(As I man the cut table, the boss and the manager are making pizza and chatting.)

Boss: “I’ve heard it called the Deluxe, the Supreme, and the Garbage pizza, but after fourteen years in the business, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of it referred to as an Absolute Pizza.”

Me: “Does that mean it has the same value whether it’s negative or positive?”

Boss: “Definitely.”

Manager: “Look, I love bad math jokes more than most, but that one’s not worth a response.”

Me: “So, I could go to a customer and demand they pay up their negative Absolute Pizza? ‘Thanks for ordering; that’ll be $24.99, and you now owe me a pizza.'”

Manager: *glaring at boss* “You. YOU DID THIS.”

(Our store manager keeps some chairs at the front of the store, for people who want to sit while the rest of their party shops. One day at our morning meeting, he tells us that the regional manager will be visiting next week.)

Store Manager: “And you know how [Regional Manager] always gets on me about the chairs. So, when we hear he’s on his way, we’ll need to get them out of there.”

Coworker: “We should stage an argument. Tell customers to go up to him and complain that the chairs aren’t there.”

Supervisor: “My grandpa can do it!”

(A week later, after the visit is over, at the morning meeting, the store manager tells us about what happened right after the regional manager arrived. It went like this:)

Customer: “Hey, are you corporate?”

Regional Manager: “Not quite, but maybe I can help. What do you need?”

Customer: “I heard they’re having a visit from corporate so they had to take away all the chairs!“

(Upon hearing this at the meeting…)

Coworker: “[Supervisor], was that your grandpa?”

Supervisor: *laughing* “No, I swear!”

Store Manager: “So [Regional Manager] says that since chairs are apparently a special thing that we do, we can keep them out. They’re back on the floor.”

(He then delivered a half-hearted admonishment for whoever let customers know that we were having a visit from a higher-up. Since he was clearly happy about the results, it was not super effective.)

(I work in a small-town location of a very large fast food chain that is known for its signature burgers. I am working an afternoon shift with several other employees and the general manager of the location. A little while after I have clocked in, the fryer station begins beeping very loudly and displays the word “HELP” on its LED screen. After about five minutes, it starts to get a little annoying.)

Me: “Why does the fryer station keep beeping like that?”

Coworker: “Nobody really knows. We think it’s probably faulty wiring, but we aren’t really sure.”

(Suddenly, the general manager storms out of her office and starts pressing buttons on the fryer station to get it to shut up.)

General Manager: *to the fryer station* “YOU DON’T NEED HELP! We’ve talked about this!”

Related:
Inhuman Resources

(I work in a call centre. Going on a break, I overhear two coworkers known for slacking off a lot complaining about something, so I decide to stop and listen.)

Coworker #1: “I get really upset when a customer tells me to f*** off.”

Coworker #2: “Me, too. It’s really mean of them.”

Me: “If you don’t mind me asking, how often does it happen?”

Coworker #1: “Two or three times a day.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah. Me, too. About the same.”

Me: “If customers aren’t telling you to f*** off at least a dozen times a day, you aren’t working hard enough.”

(I walked away while they stood there with their mouths open.)

(I work for a company that has an external stakeholder who is incredibly high-maintenance. One of my colleagues has just been promoted to head of team, and has asked everyone to give her a short list of “pain points” that we have to deal with on a regular basis so she can raise it with the stakeholder. This conversation happens between her and me the following day.)

Me: “I’m trying to think of a subject line for this email that isn’t ‘Pain Points,’ as you know I’ll get pulled up on it.”

Colleague: *doesn’t even blink, pause, or take a breath* “Use ‘Opportunities for Improvement.'”

Me: *bursts out laughing* “Had to do this a few times, huh?”

Colleague: “Yeah, just a few.”

(Clichéd business language always makes me laugh.)