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Not Quite The Sun-Cream Of The Crop

, , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(My store is a parcel collection point, so customers can have their parcels sent to the store to pick up. A customer comes up to the customer service desk and asks to pick up his parcel and gives his name, so I go in the back to find it. After searching for a few minutes, the assistant manager comes to help. He tells me to ask the customer if it’s big or small, and the customer informs me it’s a small box containing a few bottles of sun cream and lip balm. I tell the assistant manager exactly that.)

Assistant Manager: “Wait… Sun cream?”

Me: “Yeah, and lip balm, so it’s a small box.”

Assistant Manager: “Oh no… Oh God no… I opened it…”

Me: “Wait, what? Why did you open it?”

Assistant Manager: “I didn’t see a customer name on it, it just said the company name, so I thought it was for us! I shared the sun cream with everyone and used the lip balm! The bottles are still in the office, I can make this work…”

Me: “WHAT? You used it?! Why would head office send us that stuff? What are we going to do?”

Assistant Manager: *starts digging through the bins outside* “I’ll find the box and you can scan it through, we can still give it to him… I can’t find the box, so this paper will do.” *starts wrapping the half-empty sun cream bottles and used lip balm in brown paper and coating it in tape*

Me: “You can’t give it to him! He’s going to notice and complain! The seal is broken and everything!”

Assistant Manager: “It’s fine, just give him this, tell him to check it’s all there without actually giving it to him until he’s signed for it, it’ll be completely fine.”

Me: “No, no, no. You opened it, you’re telling the customer what happened. I’m not getting involved any more.”

Assistant Manager: “All right, I’ll do it.”

(I stayed within earshot of the transaction with the customer, and lo and behold, he didn’t tell him it was used! He told the customer the box was damaged in transit and repackaged it. The customer checked there were three bottles and the lip balm and took it! I hope he comes back to complain!)

This Meal Is Crap

, , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(I’m the weird coworker in this one. I supervise a large staff. One of the librarians on staff is known for being un-gross-out-able. One day I’m snacking on unsulphured dried apricots. Without the sulphur, they don’t stay orange but turn brown like raisins, but of course much larger.)

Librarian: “What’s that you’re eating?”

Me: “Turds.”

Librarian: “That’s what I thought.”

(To my horror, I realize a new librarian is nearby and has turned around to stare at us. Luckily, she burst out laughing. When you’re the boss, you’re not supposed to say you’re eating turds in the workroom.)

Their Geek Knowledge Is Labyrinthine

, , , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(Our shipping trucks arrive at three am, so the early shift often talks about random things to keep our minds active enough to move and sort the boxes without just falling asleep on top of them. Usually it’s nerdy stuff. One day…)

Coworker #1: *to [Coworker #2]* “Well, the Punisher is all extreme anti-hero business since he’s more of a ‘shoot them all’ kind of guy, whereas Batman is a little bit more mellow when it comes to handling villains… not counting Frank Miller’s psychotic imaginings of him being the ‘G**D*** Batman’….”

Manager: “Oh my GOD! Nowhere else do I learn so much about crap I don’t care about. Can’t you find something else to occupy your brains?”

Coworker #3: *singing* “I’d guess you’d say…”

Me: “What can make me feel this way?”

Coworkers #1, #4, and #5: “My girl, my girl, my girl!”

Manager: “Something else!”

Me: “You remind me of the babe!”

Manager: “Noooo…”

Coworker #1: “What babe?”

Coworker #2: “The babe with the power!”


(The manager then flees the stock room under the pretense of taking a full cart out to the floor.)

Coworker #1: *to the manager’s fleeing back* “Never complain about our topics of discussion… we can always find something else annoying to switch to!”

Chester Bennington Was His Grandma

, , , | Working | September 1, 2017

Me: “Where is [Worker]? He hasn’t signed in for the early shift?”

Manager: “He came to me yesterday saying his grandmother had died. He said he needed to take today off for the funeral. He promised he would be back tomorrow.”

Me: “Which grandmother?”

Manager: “With it being such a sensitive topic, I didn’t want to pry.”

Me: “His mother’s grandmothers are in the store right now. I just caught up with them as I came in. His father’s grandmother lives in Australia, so unless I’ve just met the Messiah, I very much doubt he’s going to a funeral in Australia and has the time to be back tomorrow morning.”

(The manager blushes and starts making some phone calls.)

Manager: “I can’t get through to him.”

(I searched the store and found his grandmothers. They told me he traveled south for a get-together with friends. They weren’t too impressed when I told them about his story, and  they agreed to phone him. They assured me he’d be back up the next day with a written apology. He handed both myself and the other manager an apology, and did seem genuinely sympathetic. While he left, I noticed a new tattoo on his arm of Linkin Park’s logo, with the weekend’s date underneath. Seems like it was probably more than just a get-together, but to claim a family member had died…)

That Sandwich Will Be White Out!

, , , , , , | Working | August 31, 2017

(I manage the deli section of my store. Today I’m inventorying the cooler, when one of my employees enters.)

Me: “What do you need?”

Employee: “[Brand of cheese]. I’m making a racist sandwich for a customer.”

Me: “You’re making a WHAT?”

Employee: *cheerfully* “A racist sandwich!”

Me: “What the h*** is a racist sandwich?”

Employee: “Plain white turkey and plain white American cheese, on plain white bread, with plain white mayo. You know, a sandwich for somebody who’s so terrified of dark-colored people that they can’t even eat dark-colored food. Also known as a ‘Klanwich.’”

Me: “…Are you serious right now?”

Employee: “It’s totally true. Remember that scene in ‘American History X’ where the fat guy won’t eat the black jellybean?”

Me: “That was a MOVIE.”

Employee: “Hey, truth in fiction or whatever. Besides, this is the South. Pretty much everybody here’s a racist.”

Me: “You didn’t call it a racist sandwich where the customer could hear you, did you?”

Employee: *cheerfully* “I’m pretty sure he couldn’t hear me!”

Me: *putting down my notebook and grabbing the cheese* “I’ll help the customer. You stay in here and skewer chickens.”

Employee: “I don’t wanna do that, that’s gross.”

Me: “It’s less gross than whatever’s going on inside your head!”