(We have a young staff member who only works on Sundays and always seems to get jobs that keep her away from the register. We are supposed to sign up a specific number of new customers per shift, and she rarely hits the target. Both the store manager and I work alternate Sundays with her; it’s the Friday before my weekend on.)

Manager: “[Coworker] hasn’t reached target again this week; she has to hit four new signups but is lucky to get one each shift.”

Me: “But she always has work that keeps her away from the counter and only has a four-hour shift.”

Manager: “Well, she’s just going to have to make more of an effort. She’s got to get to that target or I’m going to have to give her a written warning.”  

(It’s Sunday and my young coworker has come to the counter in time to see me put through a signup. She serves a customer who refuses her offer of a signup.)

Coworker: “I don’t get it. I ask every time I serve someone and always get told no. How do you do it? [Manager] told me that if I don’t hit target this weekend, I could end up with a warning.”

Me: “I don’t always get a yes, so don’t worry yourself too much. I’ll make sure you don’t get a warning.”

(About fifteen minutes later she comes back to the counter to collect some stock that she needs to put out. I am serving a customer who is filling in the form for the customer signup., I put my sale on hold and sign out.)

Me: “[Coworker], can you sign in on the register, please?”

Coworker: “Why, is there a refund?”  

Me: “No, it’s for this.” *starts entering the signup under her name*

Coworker: “Oh, my God! You’re doing that for me? But what about your target?”

Me: “I’ll make up for it on other shifts, and I still have four hours after you’re gone.”

(I managed to sign up two more customers for her, and then she signed one up for herself which made her target. I noticed she was no longer tense when asking customers. It was obvious they noticed, too, because she made one more sign up before she left and even made more the next weekend. She did thank me. I just don’t like bullying tactics foisted on staff by management who won’t nurture and help young staff members find their confidence. Neither of us lasted much longer at that job; she left before I did.)

(It’s been a slow night of calls, and I hear my coworker say this without any context:)

Coworker: “My soul isn’t black! It’s obsidian! Ain’t no basic color; it’s multidimensional!”

(This, among other quotes, is why I love this job.)

(I’m working at my uncle’s restaurant for a few weeks over the summer. Being new to the job, I’m mostly doing dishes. As I’m washing dishes, one of my coworker brings in a tray of more dishes. As she leaves, I say:)

Me: *pumping fist in the air* “JOB SECURITY!”

(After that, whenever someone brought in more dishes, we’d both laugh and say, “Job security!”)

(One of my coworkers enjoys carpentry as a hobby and a side hustle. He’s done several small to medium projects for our group home where we work and for several coworkers. Today he’s brought in a work in progress that looks like a sign for home decor, with some words starting to get painted on it.)

Me: “Why does it say, ‘PROVE BS?’”

Coworker: “That’s supposed to say, ‘PROVERBS.’ I’m missing my ‘R’ stencil.”

Me: “Ah, I guess that makes more sense than a sign telling us to prove our bulls*** or something.”

I work as a producer for a video game publishing company. Recently I met up with a former employer for lunch. I left the company on good terms, and he essentially got me started on my career, so even though I don’t work for him anymore I still consider him a mentor and am eager to show him how well I’ve done and how far I’ve come. With me is another colleague, and a young intern we have working with us.

Lunch itself goes great. I’m happy to see him and catch up, and my coworker says great things about me to him. Towards the end, he’s chatting with our intern, encouraging him in general but also saying, “Don’t worry. Just stick to [My Name] and learn from her and you’ll be just fine.”

Even though it’s obviously just kind flattery, I beam at him, go to set down my mostly-full coffee cup… and miss the edge of the table entirely so it drops to the floor and shatters, spraying coffee everywhere. There’s a moment of horrified silence, and then the intern looks at my former boss and deadpans, “Don’t worry. I’ll do as she says, not as she does.”

At least I know our intern is quick with a quip, and that I can always rely on the universe to put me in my place with perfect timing if I ever get too big a head.