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Escalating Problems That Aren’t There

, , , , | Working | November 8, 2017

(I live in the Midwest, so tornadoes are a real threat. Our loss prevention team comes around to each department in the store to make sure we all know where the tornado shelter is, especially the new people.)

Loss Prevention: “It’s just downstairs, in women’s dresses.”

Coworker: “So, what happens if the power goes out? How would we get down the escalator?”

Me: “…like stairs.”

It’s A Family Business

, , , , , | Working | November 7, 2017

(My coworkers and I all get along very well. We tend to talk even outside of work and hang out together. The following occurs while we’re all out for dinner together one evening, and one of my coworkers has been having a rough week.)

Me: “Well, just let me know if I can do anything. Even if you need to vent. I mean, I consider you a friend, so don’t feel like you’re overstepping bounds or anything.”

Coworker #1: “Aw, [My Name], thank you. It’s mutual. You’re like the cool sister I never knew I wanted.”

Coworker #2: “Ugh, save it for the funeral, you two.”

Me: “Don’t be jealous, [Coworker #2]; we love you, too.”

Coworker #1: “Kinda.”

Boss: “He’s just jealous because if you two are brother and sister, he’s like the annoying loud uncle who shows up at family gatherings just for the food.”

Coworker #2: “Hey! More like they’re the annoying, lame cousins your mother forces you to hang out with when they come visit for summer vacation.”

Coworker #1: “He still considers us family. That’s beautiful, dude.”

Has A Masters In Millennial Problems

, , , , | Working | November 7, 2017

(I graduated a few years ago, but due to the “experience problem” still haven’t managed to find a suitable job. Currently, I’m doing uneducated hospitality work, like catering, banqueting, etc. in a congress centre. One morning, I have a conversation about all and nothing with a colleague.)

Me: “Well, I like being treated like an adult, you know? I mean, my age and my master grade might be signs that I am an adult, don’t you think?”

Coworker: “You have a grade?”

Me: “Yes, university.”

Coworker: “Then, what are you doing here?”

Me: “Earning actual money.”


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Half The Size, Twice The Humor

, , , | Working | November 3, 2017

(I work at a grocery store in the Southeast US. One of my coworkers is a little person, and she has a very irreverent sense of humor which often extends to herself. One day I see her cleaning around the clearance table.)

Coworker: *takes sale sticker and puts it on her shirt*

Me: *jokingly* “Are you for sale, [Coworker]?”

Coworker: *without missing a beat* “I’m half-off.”

They Slipped On The Gauges

, , , , | Working | November 1, 2017

(I work in quality control. Part of my role is to manage the calibrated equipment we need to measure the parts we make. Some of it can be shockingly expensive due to how accurate it is; add to this the cost of having it calibrated every year by a laboratory and the cost can really stack up. When someone from maintenance maintenance needs to borrow a set of slip gauges, small metal blocks, I am reluctant, but my boss overrides me and makes me give them to him. I am still worried, so I chase him up at the end of the day.)

Me: “Hey, have you finished with those slip gauges?”

Maintenance: “What? No, we’re still using them.”

Me: “Well, when will you finish with them? I need to make sure they get returned.”

Maintenance: “I don’t know, a week or two.”

Me: “What? We need them in inspection. Why do you need them for so long?”

Maintenance: “They’re keeping the machine level!”

(I made him show me; he had wedged several of the slips under a tonne of machinery. These little blocks cost between £30 and £120 each and are only ever supposed to be handled with gloves. He and my boss both got reprimanded, and the site had to buy them all again, and then pay again for calibration.)