(Every few years, my birthday falls on Mother’s Day, but I don’t have a mother, so I usually just focus on my birthday.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name], what are you doing for Mother’s Day this weekend?

Me: “It’s actually my birthday on Sunday, so I’m going out with some friends that night.”

Coworker #1: “I didn’t know it’s your birthday! Were you born on Mother’s Day?”

Me: “I was, actually, so it’s not unusual for my birthday to fall on the day itself.”

Coworker #1: “Are you doing anything with your mom?”

Me: “No, we… I don’t have a mother.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you and your friends doing?”

Me: “We’re going to–“

Coworker #2: “Wait, I thought you lived with your mom when you started working here.”

Me: “Yeah, I did. It was bad, it didn’t work out, and I moved away as soon as I could.”

Coworker #2: “So, you do have a mom but you’re not even going to call her?”

Me: “No. I’m not.”

Coworker #2: “But it’s not right; she’s your mom!”

Me: “Look, my mother is not a good person; let’s just leave it at that, okay?”

Coworker #2: “I can’t believe you’re a person who would cut her mother out of her life.”

(I just walk away. Later, I finish up my work duties and am about to clock out when [Coworker #2] ambushes me by the time clock.)

Coworker #2: “What was that, earlier? You lied to [Coworker #1] about not having a mom and then got snippy with me when I called you out on it.”

Me: “All right, look, I’m going to say this once: my egg donor is a very bad person. She lies, steals, and manipulates every single person she comes in contact with. I moved in with her when I was a homeless teenager to get off the streets, but not even six months into the arrangement she stole all of the money I’d saved and kicked me out of the house — on my birthday, no less — because I caught her in a lie. And when I pointed out that her stories didn’t match, she screamed at me, dragged me out of the house by my hair, and locked the door behind me. I was on the street again for almost a week. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since, and I plan on keeping it that way. If you have a problem with that, then that’s your issue, not mine. To avoid this exact situation, I just tell people I don’t have a mother. It’s not a lie to me; that woman birthed me, but that’s it. That doesn’t make her my mother. Now move. I’m done with work and I’m going home.”

(To her credit, [Coworker #2] did apologize to me and bought me a little gift for my birthday, and we got along just fine until I changed jobs. Not everyone has good parents, and that includes mothers, people! Try to remember that, especially with the whole “I judge people by how they treat their parents” thing that has been going around lately.)

(I work as an IT technician. One summer, I am travelling with my wife to visit her family for two weeks, so I put my Out Of Office on, as required by my boss. Two days into my holiday, I decide to log in to my work email to see what is going on in my absence. I have an email from someone fairly senior in the company:)

Senior Person: “Hi, [My Name]. Could you please give me access to [HR System]? Thanks, [Senior Person].”

(After reading it, I think, “Yeah, I’m not going to bother replying, because my Out Of Office will respond to her and tell her that I’m out of the office and to open a helpdesk ticket.” In any case, she SHOULD have been opening a helpdesk ticket, anyway, instead of emailing me directly. I foolishly choose to do nothing about the email, close my email client, and go to enjoy the rest of my holiday. About a week later, I log in to check my email again and I have another email, this time slightly nasty, from someone in our HR department:)

Demanding Lady From HR: “Dear [My Name], I understand that [Senior Person] emailed you a week ago to get access to our [HR System]. She’s had no response from you and so, in desperation, emailed me today to see if I can give her access which, unfortunately, I can’t. Please give her access as soon as possible. It is also not very professional to ignore emails from senior people in other departments. Please bear that in mind. Thanks, [Demanding Lady From HR].”

(I realised I needed to do something, so I replied to the HR lady and said that (1) [Senior Person] should have opened a helpdesk ticket rather than emailing me directly, because then ANYONE in our team could have picked it up and actioned it the same day, (2) if [Senior Person] had bothered to read my Out Of Office response, she’d have known that I was on holiday and was NOT ignoring her, and (3) this time round I would forward her email to our helpdesk system which would open a ticket for her automatically. The demanding HR lady responded to me, all apologetic and saying she “hadn’t realised I was out of the office,” which I found surprising because she would have got an Out Of Office response when she sent me her email. The lesson I learned here was NOT to check my work email when on holiday, so I never did it again!)

(I need to travel down from Scotland to the south of England for a meeting. I don’t know how to drive so I have requested a train be booked for there and back. I check online and send the journey I would like booked to the expenses department. The morning after, I receive the confirmation and immediately call them.)

Me: “I’ve been booked on a journey for a meeting tomorrow at [Location]. This isn’t going to work. Could I please be booked on the route I sent you?”

Expenses: *snotty* “What’s wrong with what we’ve booked?”

Me: “Well, it requires me to go down the east coast, while both train stations are on the west. It also says I will be arriving at 16:43.”

Expenses: “So?”

Me: “My meeting ends at 14:00.”

Expenses: “And?”

Me: “The meeting will have ended before I even get there.”

Expenses: “That—”

Me: “Also, you have my return booked for 17:00, at a station I see is over an hour away.”

Expenses: “It’s only a couple of minutes driving!”

Me: “I don’t drive. But what I’m really trying to get at is that you’ve booked me on a trip that will take over twice as long to get there, and booked me on a return fifteen minutes later. Not only will I have missed my meeting, but the entire journey will have been for nothing other than being in the country for a quarter of an hour…”

Expenses: “Your meeting was deemed non-essential by [Manager I’ve never heard of], so it is acceptable for you to be late, and the journey you have been put on was the cheapest available.”

Me: “I’m not going to be late; I’m not going to be attending it at all. And this journey isn’t the cheapest available.”

Expenses: “I can assure you it is.”

Me: “The journey I sent you was nearly £50 cheaper than the price listed in the confirmation. I checked it again before calling, and it’s even cheaper now, even if I go first class!”

Expenses: “There is nothing more I can do. You have been booked on this journey. Goodbye.” *hangs up*

(I was more than livid. I decided to check out the manager she mentioned; I found she was a fleet coordinator who had nothing to do with employee expenses. After contacting her, she confirmed she had not been in contact with expenses regarding my trip, and didn’t even know the person I dealt with. I spoke with my manager, who escalated it to his, who is a regional director. Everything was sorted out within an hour and I attended my meeting with no issues. The expenses woman I dealt is now sending out the monthly internal magazine, and as far as I can tell, it is the only thing she does.)

(I work away from home a lot, and on this job, I’m part of a team that’s all staying in the same hotel. I run to keep fit, so I always take my running gear with me when I’m staying away. I go out for a run one evening and pass some of my colleagues on their way to get food as I do so. The next day, I hear a commotion from another part of the store, shortly before one of my team leaders appears with one of the other guys dragging his feet behind him.)

Team Leader: “[Coworker] has something to say to you.”

Coworker: *mutters something inaudible*

Team Leader: “I don’t think that [My Name] heard that.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry for taking photos of you while you were running last night and showing them to other people. I won’t do it again.”

Team Leader: “He’s deleted the photos from his phone and Google Images, and he emptied the bin. They’re gone.”

Coworker: “It’s not my fault you have a nice a***.”

Team Leader: “And it seems we need to have another chat.”

(Luckily, that was someone assigned to set up a department on the mezzanine level, and I was setting up one downstairs, so I didn’t have to encounter him very often. The other blokes on the team all agreed that he was out of line. As the guy I was working alongside put it, “Yeah, you’ve got a nice a***, but taking a photo of it without your permission is rude, and sharing that photo is completely out of line.”)

(My department is on a conference call using a well-known business software allowing video feeds. The meeting has been going for about half an hour.)

Colleague: *interrupting* “Don’t you find it funny how I’m the only woman in this group and my face is never shown when I’m talking? It looks pretty misogynistic if you ask me.”

(There’s an awkward silence.)

Me: “Umm, your face should be in the bottom right of the window.”

Colleague: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, your face doesn’t appear in the window when you’re talking because it’s always there. You appear on everyone else’s though.”

Colleague: “No, that’s total BS—”

(Another colleague sends a screenshot in the chat log, showing her face, full screen, with the colleague’s face in miniature in the bottom right.)

Colleague: “Oh, yes. I am there…”

(Another awkward silence follows.)

Other Colleague: “Shall we continue?”

Department Manager: “In a moment. For the record, I’m a woman. Shocking, I know. I’m calling in on my phone so you won’t be able to see me. Perhaps we should focus on the meeting instead of whether you’re on everyone’s screen? Please, continue.”

Other Colleague: *continues where he left off*