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That’s A Whole Lotta Worship

, , , , , | Working | December 25, 2017

(I’m a minister. I work as a chaplain in a nursing home. It’s four days before Christmas and I’m halfway through about a 60-hour week.)

Coworker: *eyes wide, huge smile* “Are you READY for CHRISTMAS?!”

Me: *gentle chuckle* “Well, that depends on what you mean by Christmas.”

Coworker: “Are you READY to CELEBRATE the birth of our LORD AND SAVIOR?!”

Me: “Well, I’m ready to lead eight worship services in two days.” *I work at several nursing homes*

Coworker: “…oh.”

Not So Nuts About Your Christmas Gift

, , , , , | Working | December 22, 2017

(I work part time in a grocery store deli. It’s around Christmas time when one of my coworkers brings in gifts she made for everyone in the form of some homemade sweets, like caramels and hot cocoa mix, all together in a plastic jar. She gives me mine.)

Coworker: “Here you go. I remember you’re allergic to nuts so I just gave you extra caramels instead of the nut clusters.”

Me: “Awesome. Thank you so much!”

(I put the jar away in the sandwich station fridge and go back to work. However, something is bothering me about the gift: I can’t quite place where I’ve seen those slender jars before. After a little while, I ask her.)

Me: “Hey [Coworker].”

Coworker: “Yeah?”

Me: “Where’d you get those jars you used?”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s just a peanut jar.”

(I pause, and stare at her silently.)

Coworker: “…oh. S***.”

(In her defence, she says she washed it out, but I still ended up just giving it to my roommate rather than risk it.)

A Santa Existential Crisis

, , , , | Working | December 22, 2017

(I am assisting a line of parents when a woman storms up to the counter. She seems rather upset. This happens close to Christmas.)

Mother: “Sorry, but could you tell me where [Coworker] is, please?”

(I shout for her.)

Coworker: “Hi! Can I help?”

Mother: “Did you tell my daughter that Santa doesn’t exist?”

(Silence falls on the room.)

Coworker: “How old is she?”

Mother: “Five.”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Mother: “Why?”

Coworker: “Because Christmas is nothing more than a commercial holiday nowadays, and your daughter doesn’t need to be told a MAN is going to be getting her everything she wanted for Christmas.”

Mother: *with a rigid smile* “It was also the only reason what was looking forward to Christmas this year, after seeing her father die right before her eyes last Christmas Day.”

Coworker: *going pale* “Oh, umm—”

Mother: “So, thank you. Thank you for ruining Christmas. The first two Christmases my daughter is going to remember: seeing her father collapse on a dollhouse they were building together, and learning that Santa doesn’t exist from a virtual stranger. Thank you, you self-righteous b****!”

(The woman ran out of the daycare in hysterics. Everyone else then turned towards [Coworker], and she barely had time to escape before utter chaos ensued. We lost a lot of business that day (to which we have yet to recover), and [Coworker] was let go for her conduct. I got in touch with the woman with condolences and apologies. She accepted, but said she wouldn’t be coming back. I don’t blame her.)

Not So Sweet Resolution

, , | Working | December 22, 2017

Coworker: “Hey, you have to pick a name. We’re doing secret Santa.”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m visiting family over December, so I won’t be here.”

Coworker: “DUH! That’s why you pick a name now, and then we can all open them at the Christmas party.”

Me: “When is the party?”

Coworker: “18th December.”

Me: “To which I won’t be here…”

Coworker: “…do you maybe want to pick a d*** name and stop being an a**hole?!”

(I pick a name and buy something before I leave the week later. When I get back in January:)

Coworker: “WHERE WERE YOU?!”

Me: “I told you. I was visiting family over December.”

Coworker: “You should have said. [Coworker] got you a box of sweets, but I decided to take them home. Otherwise, they would have been eaten just being left here.”

Me: “So, where are they?”

Coworker: “I ate them.”

Me: “…”

Sweet Oranges

, , , , | Friendly | December 21, 2017

(My officemate and I are known for constantly taking the mick out of each other, with each of us on separate occasions remarking that if one of us were nice to the other, it would be too weird to handle. I come in on Monday morning.)

Officemate: “Morning.”

Me: “Morning.”

(I walk over to our office swear jar and put £1 in.)

Officemate: “Expecting a bad day at work?”

Me: “Eh. [Girlfriend] broke up with me yesterday so, I figure, best accept that I’m going to be in a bad mood now.”

Officemate: “I’m sorry. That sucks.”

Me: “Yeah, well. At least I can swear as much as I want today and someone will get some good out of it. How was your weekend?”

(We chat a little bit, including once or twice about whether I think the ex-girlfriend and I might get back together. I make some effort to make a few jokes so as not to make the atmosphere too weird and we chat more generally about other things. I eat lunch with another colleague and come back in afterwards. There’s a bottle of orange juice on my desk.)

Me: “Huh? Where did this come from?”

Officemate: “Well, I was gonna get you chocolate but I’ve never heard you talk about what type you like. But I have heard you mention your orange juice addiction so I thought it might help cheer you up, since you’re having such a rotten day.

Me: “That’s incredibly sweet of you.”

(My office mate sort of blushed and waved his hand at me. Normal service resumed later that afternoon.)