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What The Sell Is Her Problem

, , , | Working | January 3, 2013

(This is my second weekend working the races and selling tickets. I’m helping a gentleman find the restrooms with the racetrack’s booklet map, which I’ve been handing out to visitors.)

Coworker: “Don’t do that.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Coworker: “You’re not supposed to actually help people, just sell them s***.”

(I ignore my coworker and finish helping the gentleman.)

Me: “Is there anything else you need help with, sir?”

Gentleman: “Don’t let this old crow tell you how to do your job, sweetheart. You’re doing a great job!” *leaves*

Coworker: “You’re just supposed to sell them s***, not actually help!”

 

Putting The Squeeze On Stupid

, , , , , | Working | December 30, 2012

(I am talking to some of my coworkers about how I want to get a pet snake. I have always loved snakes and have been considering getting one for a while.)

Me: “I think I want to get a ball python, because they don’t get very big, but I would love a boa!”

Coworker: “Why the h*** do you want a snake?”

Me: “Uh, because I like them.”

Coworker: “Wouldn’t you rather have a ferret or a hamster?”

Me: “You’re acting like I have no choice, like it’s a snake or nothing.”

Coworker: “Well, I hope that when you get that snake, it bites you and injects you with poison!”

(Most of my coworkers go silent at that point. They all know I have a bit of a temper. But, instead, I start to laugh.)

Me: “Seriously? Do you have any idea what you are talking about? First of all, it’s not poison; it is venom. Secondly, pythons and boas don’t have venom. They are constrictors, hence the name ‘Boa Constrictor.’ If you are going to be a jerk, at least sound intelligent when you do it!”

(My coworker wouldn’t talk to me for almost a week after that. Now, six months and a new job later, I’ve got my first baby ball python!)


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Just Remember That The Last Laugh Is On You

, , , , , | Working | December 21, 2012

(I work in the kitchen at a small restaurant, and we have a stereo system where you can plug in your iPod to play music. I discover that [Coworker #1] also loves the Monty Python musical “Spamalot,” so I put on the cast recording to listen to while we cook. [Coworker #2] is famous for not having much of a sense of humor and being a bit slow on the draw. This happens while listening to “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”.)

Coworker #2: “What does he mean when he says, ‘The last laugh is on you.’?”

Me: “He’s saying that you should try to make people happy while you’re alive, but to remember that at the end, you die.”

Coworker #2: *horrified* “That’s awful! Why is the music so happy for that?”

Coworker #1: “It’s a comedy; they’re just poking fun.”

Coworker #2: “What a terrible thing to say! Why would people ever watch this?”

([Coworker #1] and I just kind of blink at her, but she doesn’t say anything else. The next day, my manager pulls me aside.)

Manager: *to me* “[Coworker #2] has made a complaint about you and [Coworker #1]. She said that you might be a danger to customers because you think death is funny. Can you explain this?”

(Instead of explaining, I simply play the Monty Python song for my manager. After listening…)

Manager: *smiles* “Can I have a copy of the album? I love Monty Python!”

(We listened to it about once a month after that, ignoring [Coworker #2] as she glowered at all of us singing along.)


This story is part of the singing silliness roundup!

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Edits Are Not For Idiots

, , , , | Working | September 28, 2012

(My older sister and I both work at a resort. I work in the restaurant, while she edits pamphlets, menus and brochures. One of the other coworkers in the restaurant has written up a nutrition brochure but gets it back with a lot of corrections because her grammar and spelling are awful. She comes and waves her edited pamphlet in my face.)

Coworker: “That stupid b**** who edits this s*** thinks she’s so f****** smart, doesn’t she?”

Me: “Well, actually… she is really smart.”

Coworker: “Well, how do you know?”

Me: “She’s my sister.”

Coworker: “Tell your sister that I’m not a [slur for disabled people] and she can’t make all these edits!” *throws the pamphlet at me*

Me: “Well, first of all, my sister’s an English major. Second…” *points at the corrections* “…she’s right. The things she marked as needing to be corrected are wrong.”

Coworker: “F*** you!”

(My coworker spots a manager and stomps up to them.)

Coworker: “Tell the b**** who made these corrections that we aren’t making any changes to my pamphlet!”

Manager: *looks over the corrections* “No.”

Coworker: “Why the h*** not?!”

Manager: “Because we want the pamphlets to sound like they were written by an educated person.”

Coworker: “I quit!”

(Thankfully, my sister now prepares the pamphlets and brochures… properly edited, of course.)


This story is part of the Grammar roundup!

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The League Of Extraordinary Diversity

, , , , | Working | August 7, 2012

(I recently moved to Florida from Scotland, making me a legal immigrant. I’ve gotten a temporary job working at a supermarket just so I have some money to keep me going. I’m also a very upfront person, and I speak my mind regardless of who it is I’m speaking to. I’m also gay but not camp. First week on the job, I’m assigned to a more senior employee for training. This happens a few days after I start.)

Coworker: “I’m glad to see you’re getting this so quickly. It’s good to see that there are still people who know how to work.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Coworker: “I’m just glad the job didn’t go to some immigrant. I’m sick of them taking all our jobs.”

Me: *laughs* “You’re kidding, right?”

Coworker: “No, I can’t stand immigrants!”

Me: “I’M an immigrant!”

Coworker: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “I am. I’m not American; I’m Scottish. I come from another country… only two weeks ago in fact. I’ve come into your country and taken one of ‘your’ jobs, so that makes me one of those immigrants you don’t like.”

Coworker: “Well, yeah, but you’re not what I meant…”

Me: “Whatever.”

(Two days later…)

Coworker: “Look at those f**s over there. It’s not natural.”

Me: *laughs again* “What? You can’t honestly be saying that to me!”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I’m gay!”

Coworker: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “I think I would know better than you!”

Coworker: “But you don’t look or sound it!”

Me: “Oh, really? Well, if you must know, it’s a big conspiracy. There is a League of Gay Immigrants who don’t look or act gay or look like immigrants, and we’re taking over your country one job at a time. It’ll take some time, but we’re getting there!”

Coworker: *distraught* “You are what’s wrong with this country. People like you are bringing this country down!”

Me: *joking* “Well, we’re just taking back what you took from us! Give America back to Britain and you’ll be spared!”


This story is part of our Scotland themed roundup!

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