Coworkers In The Mist

| Working | June 15, 2013

(Two of my coworkers, a boy and girl, are both in their late teens/early twenties and… let’s just say, they’re a little rough around the edges. The boy runs one hand through his hair.)

Boy Coworker: “Ow. Oh, ow. Hey, [girl coworker], come and look at this.”

Girl Coworker: “What?”

Boy Coworker: “Just come and look.”

Girl Coworker: “What, you got a tick or something?”

Boy Coworker: “I dunno. Will you look?”

(The girl proceeds to look through his hair, chimpanzee-style.)

Girl Coworker: “This right here?”

Boy Coworker: “Ow! Yeah, what is it?”

Girl Coworker: “It’s a bump. Like a pimple.”

Boy Coworker: “Can you get it?”

Girl Coworker: “Yeah, hang on.”

Boy Coworker: “Ow. Ow. Ow! Anything come out?”

Girl Coworker: “Little bit…”

(She proceeds to squirt some hand-sanitizer on her hands and goes about her day. Thank god there were no customers in the store, but I wish there were brain bleach to erase that memory.)

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She’ll Have Nonna His Lip

, , , | Working | March 18, 2013

(We have a kiosk in the back of the store that allows customers to shop and order online items. There is an elderly customer with her young granddaughter trying to work the system. I’m working on the computer attempting to fix a glitch, while my new coworker stands there doing nothing. He looks at the elderly customer and says…)

Coworker: “Aw, geez, that’s going to take forever!”

Me: “You could, you know… help her? It’s kinda what we’re here for.”

Coworker:  “Seriously? We have to help old hags figure out how to use an Internet browser? That wasn’t in MY job description!”

(The elderly woman hears my new coworker and flinches at his rude comments. As it isn’t busy, I go over and help her. Over the next half hour, I help her find what she wants and purchase it, while her young granddaughter shows amazing patience for a child her age.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, everything seems to be in order! Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Oh, no, my dear! You’ve been amazing! Thank you so much!”

(To my astonishment, the customer’s young grandaughter wraps her arms around my leg and hugs it tightly.)

Granddaughter: *to me* “You’re a very very nice people. No one helped my Nonna like that today. Nonna said nice peoples need hugs!”

(I’m left speechless.The granddaughter then lets go of my leg, walks up to my coworker, and suddenly kicks him HARD in the shin.)

Coworker: “OW! What was that for?!”

Granddaughter: “You’re a mean people. Nonna says mean peoples don’t need hugs!”

Customer: *beaming* “There’s a good girl!”

(The two of them left, giving me their thanks while my new coworker glowered at me. That moment made my year!)

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What The Sell Is Her Problem

, , , | Working | January 3, 2013

(This is my second weekend working the races and selling tickets. I’m helping a gentleman find the restrooms with the racetrack’s booklet map, which I’ve been handing out to visitors.)

Coworker: “Don’t do that.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Coworker: “You’re not supposed to actually help people, just sell them s***.”

(I ignore my coworker and finish helping the gentleman.)

Me: “Is there anything else you need help with, sir?”

Gentleman: “Don’t let this old crow tell you how to do your job, sweetheart. You’re doing a great job!” *leaves*

Coworker: “You’re just supposed to sell them s***, not actually help!”

 

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Putting The Squeeze On Stupid

, , , , , | Working | December 30, 2012

(I am talking to some of my coworkers about how I want to get a pet snake. I have always loved snakes and have been considering getting one for a while.)

Me: “I think I want to get a ball python, because they don’t get very big, but I would love a boa!”

Coworker: “Why the h*** do you want a snake?”

Me: “Uh, because I like them.”

Coworker: “Wouldn’t you rather have a ferret or a hamster?”

Me: “You’re acting like I have no choice, like it’s a snake or nothing.”

Coworker: “Well, I hope that when you get that snake, it bites you and injects you with poison!”

(Most of my coworkers go silent at that point. They all know I have a bit of a temper. But, instead, I start to laugh.)

Me: “Seriously? Do you have any idea what you are talking about? First of all, it’s not poison; it is venom. Secondly, pythons and boas don’t have venom. They are constrictors, hence the name ‘Boa Constrictor.’ If you are going to be a jerk, at least sound intelligent when you do it!”

(My coworker wouldn’t talk to me for almost a week after that. Now, six months and a new job later, I’ve got my first baby ball python!)


This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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Just Remember That The Last Laugh Is On You

, , , , , | Working | December 21, 2012

(I work in the kitchen at a small restaurant, and we have a stereo system where you can plug in your iPod to play music. I discover that [Coworker #1] also loves the Monty Python musical “Spamalot,” so I put on the cast recording to listen to while we cook. [Coworker #2] is famous for not having much of a sense of humor and being a bit slow on the draw. This happens while listening to “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”.)

Coworker #2: “What does he mean when he says, ‘The last laugh is on you.’?”

Me: “He’s saying that you should try to make people happy while you’re alive, but to remember that at the end, you die.”

Coworker #2: *horrified* “That’s awful! Why is the music so happy for that?”

Coworker #1: “It’s a comedy; they’re just poking fun.”

Coworker #2: “What a terrible thing to say! Why would people ever watch this?”

([Coworker #1] and I just kind of blink at her, but she doesn’t say anything else. The next day, my manager pulls me aside.)

Manager: *to me* “[Coworker #2] has made a complaint about you and [Coworker #1]. She said that you might be a danger to customers because you think death is funny. Can you explain this?”

(Instead of explaining, I simply play the Monty Python song for my manager. After listening…)

Manager: *smiles* “Can I have a copy of the album? I love Monty Python!”

(We listened to it about once a month after that, ignoring [Coworker #2] as she glowered at all of us singing along.)


This story is part of the singing silliness roundup!

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