Putting The Squeeze On Stupid

, , , , , | Working | December 30, 2012

(I am talking to some of my coworkers about how I want to get a pet snake. I have always loved snakes and have been considering getting one for a while.)

Me: “I think I want to get a ball python, because they don’t get very big, but I would love a boa!”

Coworker: “Why the h*** do you want a snake?”

Me: “Uh, because I like them.”

Coworker: “Wouldn’t you rather have a ferret or a hamster?”

Me: “You’re acting like I have no choice, like it’s a snake or nothing.”

Coworker: “Well, I hope that when you get that snake, it bites you and injects you with poison!”

(Most of my coworkers go silent at that point. They all know I have a bit of a temper. But, instead, I start to laugh.)

Me: “Seriously? Do you have any idea what you are talking about? First of all, it’s not poison; it is venom. Secondly, pythons and boas don’t have venom. They are constrictors, hence the name ‘Boa Constrictor.’ If you are going to be a jerk, at least sound intelligent when you do it!”

(My coworker wouldn’t talk to me for almost a week after that. Now, six months and a new job later, I’ve got my first baby ball python!)


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Just Remember That The Last Laugh Is On You

, , , , , | Working | December 21, 2012

(I work in the kitchen at a small restaurant, and we have a stereo system where you can plug in your iPod to play music. I discover that [Coworker #1] also loves the Monty Python musical “Spamalot,” so I put on the cast recording to listen to while we cook. [Coworker #2] is famous for not having much of a sense of humor and being a bit slow on the draw. This happens while listening to “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”.)

Coworker #2: “What does he mean when he says, ‘The last laugh is on you.’?”

Me: “He’s saying that you should try to make people happy while you’re alive, but to remember that at the end, you die.”

Coworker #2: *horrified* “That’s awful! Why is the music so happy for that?”

Coworker #1: “It’s a comedy; they’re just poking fun.”

Coworker #2: “What a terrible thing to say! Why would people ever watch this?”

([Coworker #1] and I just kind of blink at her, but she doesn’t say anything else. The next day, my manager pulls me aside.)

Manager: *to me* “[Coworker #2] has made a complaint about you and [Coworker #1]. She said that you might be a danger to customers because you think death is funny. Can you explain this?”

(Instead of explaining, I simply play the Monty Python song for my manager. After listening…)

Manager: *smiles* “Can I have a copy of the album? I love Monty Python!”

(We listened to it about once a month after that, ignoring [Coworker #2] as she glowered at all of us singing along.)


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The League Of Extraordinary Diversity

, , , , | Working | August 7, 2012

(I recently moved to Florida from Scotland, making me a legal immigrant. I’ve gotten a temporary job working at a supermarket just so I have some money to keep me going. I’m also a very upfront person, and I speak my mind regardless of who it is I’m speaking to. I’m also gay but not camp. First week on the job, I’m assigned to a more senior employee for training. This happens a few days after I start.)

Coworker: “I’m glad to see you’re getting this so quickly. It’s good to see that there are still people who know how to work.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Coworker: “I’m just glad the job didn’t go to some immigrant. I’m sick of them taking all our jobs.”

Me: *laughs* “You’re kidding, right?”

Coworker: “No, I can’t stand immigrants!”

Me: “I’M an immigrant!”

Coworker: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “I am. I’m not American; I’m Scottish. I come from another country… only two weeks ago in fact. I’ve come into your country and taken one of ‘your’ jobs, so that makes me one of those immigrants you don’t like.”

Coworker: “Well, yeah, but you’re not what I meant…”

Me: “Whatever.”

(Two days later…)

Coworker: “Look at those f**s over there. It’s not natural.”

Me: *laughs again* “What? You can’t honestly be saying that to me!”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I’m gay!”

Coworker: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “I think I would know better than you!”

Coworker: “But you don’t look or sound it!”

Me: “Oh, really? Well, if you must know, it’s a big conspiracy. There is a League of Gay Immigrants who don’t look or act gay or look like immigrants, and we’re taking over your country one job at a time. It’ll take some time, but we’re getting there!”

Coworker: *distraught* “You are what’s wrong with this country. People like you are bringing this country down!”

Me: *joking* “Well, we’re just taking back what you took from us! Give America back to Britain and you’ll be spared!”


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Banishing Bellatrix

, | Working | June 18, 2012

(My parents own a small bookstore. Being all fair-skinned redheads, it was only logical on Halloween that my three older brothers and I dress as the Weasleys from Harry Potter. Two other coworkers get into the spirit and dress as Harry and Draco. The newest coworker is a girl who isn’t really working out. She’s dressed in an overly-revealing princess costume, so we’ve asked her to change, which she complains about.)

Me: *to customer* “Thank you! Happy Halloween and come again!”

Regular Customer #1: “Thank you, Ginny! I love this place. You guys are always so cute!”

Me: “Thank you!”

Regular Customer #2: “So, Fred and George helped me find this book, but I need to order another one. Should I see Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy about that?”

New Coworker: *to Regular Customer #2* “What the h***?! That isn’t anyone’s name that works here. Are all your customers r******d or something?!”

Me: *to Regular Customer #2* “Draco will be more than happy to help you.” *to  New Coworker* “It’s just some Halloween fun… No need to be rude to our customers.” *to Regular Customer #2* “I’m sorry about that.”

New Coworker: “That’s dumb. This is the worst job I’ve ever had!”

Me: “This is the only job you’ve ever had.”

Regular Customer #2: *to New Coworker* “You were that girl who was dressed totally inappropriately, right?”

New Coworker: “You can’t talk to me like that!”

Brother #1: “Sure she can. Ma’am, I’ll be happy to escort you over to Mister Malfoy.”

New Coworker: “You people are a joke! You just can’t stand that I’m working here!”

Me: “What?!”

New Coworker: “It’s because I’m so pretty, isn’t it?! It’s because I’m blond and pretty!”

(Note: Regular Customer #3 is a young, college-aged guy who comes in a couple times a week.)

Regular Customer #3: *to New Coworker* “Hey, could you maybe get out of the way so I can actually buy these books and talk to the lovely little redhead there? You’re just kind of taking up space.”

New Coworker: “I am not!”

Regular Customer #3: “Uh huh…” *to me* “So, Ginny, wanna go out with me tonight? There’s this party and I was hoping maybe you’d go with me.”

New Coworker: “What?! You’re seriously asking HER?! But I’m BLOND and PRETTY!”

Regular Customer #3: “…and rude. Let’s not forget rude. Now, please, I’m trying to have a conversation here.”

New Coworker: “Oh, my God, I quit! This place is awful! NO ONE APPRECIATES ME!”

(She runs out of the store, throwing her name tag at me in the process.)

Brother #2: “Harry Potter’s scar no longer burns… The evil one, she has been defeated.”

Regular Customer #3: “Well, at least she’s gone. I was serious about that party, though.”

(We’ve been dating ever since!)

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South Of South End

, , , , , | Working | June 12, 2012

(I’m Australian and have an accent.)

Coworker: “You sound funny. Where are you from? Boston?”

Me: “Australia.”

Coworker: “Really? You still live there?”

(I think my coworker is just trying to be funny, so I play along.)

Me: “Yup! It’s such a long drive for work every day.”

Coworker: “Oh my God, I bet! What time do you have to leave home to get here on time?”

(I still carry on with the joke, but I’m starting to suspect she may actually be serious.)

Me: “Oh, it’s not too bad. Only takes a couple of hours.”

Coworker: “How awesome! You SO have to have a barbecue one day! I have always wanted to go to Australia!” *walks off*


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