Many moons ago, mobile phones did not have the ability to play whatever tune you fancied when they rang. When the technology was finally unleashed on the general public, many people went a bit crazy assigning novelty ringtones and text message alerts, me included.

One afternoon, I was having my lunch break at work and demonstrating my current choices of tones to an older colleague. She was very impressed and excitedly asked me if I could do it for her phone. We spent a good fifteen minutes choosing and assigning a ringtone and message alert.

The following Monday, my colleague approached me at my desk, face full of shame and unhappiness, and quietly asked me if I would be so kind as to revert her phone to its original tunes.

I did so, but of course, I had to ask why the change of heart, given her joy the previous week?

Colleague: “Well, I was sitting in church yesterday listening to the vicar give his sermon when I got a text, and I hadn’t turned my phone off before going in.”

I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. The text message alert she had asked me to assign? Yoda’s voice saying, “Message from the Dark Side, there is.”

I am at work and start getting cramps. I have endometriosis so I need to get painkillers in my system before my period starts or I become incapacitated from the pain. I forgot to refill the container I bring to work, so I don’t have any pain relief on me.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], do you have any Tylenol? Or any other pain killers?”

Coworker: “No, I don’t take any medication. If you’re needing something like that, it means you have some deficiency, and your body’s telling you need to get more vitamins or water.”

Me: *Long pause* “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to help my chronic illness. I have endometriosis.”

Thankfully, she actually apologized for making assumptions and offered to ask others if they had any for me.

We take turns being on call. I live the furthest away — twice what anyone else does — so I try to do only my fair share. I will cover holidays only when I really have to.

I get a call one weekend.

Coworker: “Is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, who is this?”

Coworker: “It’s [Coworker] from work. Can you pop in? We’re having issues with [machine].”

Me: *Sighing* “It’s not my turn on call this week. You can find the rota with the phone number in the break room.”

Coworker: “Oh, okay. Thanks.”

A little annoyed, as this isn’t the first time they’ve just called me before checking the rota, I go back to my weekend. Unfortunately, it’s not long before I get another call.

Coworker: “It’s [Coworker] again. I can’t reach [Coworker #2]. Can you come in?”

Me: “Did you try [Coworker #3]? It states on the sheet who to call next.”

Coworker: “Can’t you just come in?”

Me: “No, we have a rota for a reason. Please call [Coworker #3].”

I message [Coworker #3] to let him know to expect a call. He messages back letting me know that it’s not a problem and he is nearby. Then, I get another phone call.

Coworker: “Yeah, [Coworker] again. [Coworker #3] isn’t answering. I’ve talked to my boss and he says you need to come in.”

Me: “You know what? I will sort this out.”

I called [Coworker #3] who had not received any other calls but said he would head to work now. I called [Coworker]’s boss and explained what was happening. I said that he doesn’t tell me what to do on my weekend and that he needed to tell his team to follow process.

On Monday, my boss pulled me aside as there had been a complaint, but when I explained, it was dismissed. My coworker kept ignoring the on-call list and eventually got removed from the plan and lost a bit of cash out of it, too.

I studied Tae Kwon Do up until college, and I dabbled a little throughout college. I was nothing great, but I did get up to second dan black belt. (Trust me, that really isn’t as impressive as you may think.) I lacked stopping power, given my size and lack of aggression, but I did develop a decent focus on defense and being hard to hit, as well as covering large distances quickly to be able to move in and out of my opponents’ reach.

Not long into my first job out of college, I was joking with a colleague. I forget the details of the conversation, but eventually, he jokingly threatened to hurt me for something, including pantomimed kicking me.

I wasn’t expecting the mock kick. It took me by surprise so much that my sparring instincts kicked in the moment the leg started to come up and I immediately tried to slide back out of the way of a potential attack. I rapidly slid across the room, until I ran hard against the wall behind me; we were in a much tighter space than I usually sparred in, so I’d tried to slide back much further than there was space to cover.

What I didn’t realize was that my manager’s office was behind my coworkers’ backs. My manager didn’t have a clear view, but he had enough of a view to see my coworker move as if to kick me followed by my flying across the room. He ran out of his office, all set to fire my poor coworker for apparently kicking me across the room for no reason. I had to rush in to assure him that I wasn’t kicked and everything was fine.

After we had assured him that my coworker had not snapped and gone on a wild kicking spree, my manager found this hilarious. For the next two years I worked there, my manager would jokingly tell the story of how I “tried” to get my coworker fired for attacking me to anyone that would listen.

I guess you could say he got a real kick out of it.

It’s Mother’s Day weekend. I have a standard answer for whoever asks me what I’m doing for Mother’s Day that seems to stop any awkward questions. I just tell people, “Oh, I don’t have a mother,” in a very cheerful voice, and that’s usually the end of that, but a coworker has been bothering me all week about my lack of plans.

Coworker: “So, you’re not doing anything for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Nope.”

Coworker: “But, nothing? Nothing?!”

Me: “I don’t have a mother, so why would I do anything?”

Coworker: “That’s so stupid. Everyone has a mother.”

Me: *Flatly* “Well, I don’t so—”

Coworker: “Who gave birth to you? She’s your mother!”

Me: “Surrogate mothers are a thing.”

Coworker: *Sputters* “Who raised you?”

Me: “My dad.”

Coworker: “So do something for him, then!”

Me: “He hates these kinds of holidays.”

Coworker: “You’re not doing anything for anyone this weekend? Wait, is your mother dead?”

Me: “Not as far as I know. Look, I really don’t want to talk about this—”

Coworker: “If she’s not dead, you should at least send her a card to tell her you love her!”

Me: *Fed up* “The woman who gave birth to me made it very clear to me that she hated me and wished that I hadn’t been born. She kept me locked in a dark bathroom for days at a time, without food or human interaction, because I was ‘too loud,’ when I was three years old. I don’t know her address, and even if I did, I would not be sending that b**** a card.”

Coworker: *Pauses* “Oh. Um, right.” *Flees*

If someone tells you they don’t want to talk about something, don’t force them to talk about it.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of August 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of August 2021 roundup!