We found out that [Coworker #1] was one of those idiots who was hoarding food and drink during lockdown. He admitted to having months upon months of supplies at a time when others were struggling to get basic food to survive. He rightly got a load of stick for this and lost a lot of respect at work.

One morning, one of the guys makes a joke at [Coworker #1]’s expense.

Coworker #2: “Does anyone want a coffee? I’m buying. [Coworker #1], how many should I get you? If you have a flask, I reckon you could store it for months on end.”

Everyone laughs.

Coworker #1: “Oh, yeah, real funny. I’m not the only one. I saw [My Name] buying a trolley full of toilet paper. “

Me: “I bought one large pack, which I’m sharing with my in-laws who are isolating.”

Coworker #1: “Rubbish. Look, I took a photo.”

Me: “That’s creepy, and yes, you can see one large pack of toilet roll and one large pack of kitchen roll. As I can show you—” *grabs my phone* “—see, I shared with my in-laws. Look, there is the message.”

Coworker #1: “Well, whatever. You are all bent out of shape over nothing, anyway, just because I threw out that food.”

Coworker #2: “What? You threw all that food away?”

Coworker #1: “Well, I had to. It was going to go out of date.”

Me: “You could have given it away, donated it. What is wrong with you, man?”

He still doesn’t get it. He was also the first to moan after people just like him panic-bought a load of petrol and he couldn’t go somewhere over the weekend.

At my company, we have a manager who is, well, toxic. This is the nicest thing I can say about her. Other things I can say about her are… pathological liar, narcissistic, and cruel. She is not only not a nice person, but she’s kind of evil at the end of the day. She also loves to ruin other people’s vacations.

It is the last week of September, and I am finally taking my first “vacation” all year to go to my cousin’s wedding. I will be leaving early Friday morning and coming back late Sunday night. I decide to take an extra two days off as it is also my ten-year anniversary that Wednesday, so I am gone Wednesday through Monday.

I also make this manager aware that I have a doctor’s appointment at 4:10 pm on Tuesday due to reduced health because of her abuse.

At 3:25 pm, she sends me a text, right as I am packing up to leave.

Toxic Coworker: “Hey, I know it is last minute, but [Contractor] has a 4:00 pm appointment to get his computer fixed, and I cannot stay around for it.”

I roll my eyes and leave because she doesn’t need me to stay. It is done remotely and the contractor isn’t even in the office. Before I go, I send a reminder email that I am unreachable.

At 4:11 pm, she texts me again.

Toxic Coworker: “Yikes! I forgot you are going on vacation! I hope you have a good one. No one deserves it more than you. <3”

Again, I ignore it. She tries to call me at 5:30 pm. I send her to voicemail.

On Wednesday morning at 7:30 am, I get my third text from her.

Toxic Coworker: “So, will you be in the office today?”

She only does this when I am on vacation, and only immediately after she acknowledged in a text the night before I am on vacation. So, I ignore it.

At 8:15 am:

Toxic Coworker: “I know you are probably on your plane but I have [issue she can fix herself]. I am hoping I can catch you before.”

At 9:30 am:

Toxic Coworker: “Never mind. Fixed it.”

At 10:15 am:

Toxic Coworker: “Where do I find [file that has nothing to do with my job]?”

At 11:00 am:

Toxic Coworker: “Found it!”

It goes like this every hour on Wednesday, where she tries to pester me with non-issues. I never responded until she eventually got bored and left me alone for the rest of my vacation. She never bothered me during my time off again.

I’m new to flirting and am interested in this guy I met at work. I’m trying to think of something clever to say, so I blurt out:

Me: “Hey, you know what your name means in Spanish?”

Cute Guy: “No, what?”

Me: “‘To come.'”

He awkwardly chuckles and I suddenly realized that he thought I meant the slang for ejaculation.

Me: “I-I mean ‘come’! C-O-M-E! You know, like, to come and go?”

Cute Guy: “Yeah, sure.”

He assured me he knew what I meant, but oh, man, was that mortifying. We never flirted again.

A friend of mine told me this story. It’s about half an hour before a hiring interview, and he’s talking with a coworker about the applicant’s resume. His second most recent listed job is as “Home Guard” for a company they don’t recognize, with a very vague description of what his duties entailed.

Coworker: “Did you say ‘Home Guard’?”

Friend: “What about it?”

Coworker: “I think he might have been unemployed for that period. You’d better question him about it.”

During the interview, my friend does indeed probe about that particular job. His coworker was right on the money; the applicant was, in fact, unemployed. His wife is an independent masseuse, and the “Company” that the candidate has on his resume is just the name she uses for her business. After the interview, my friend talks to his coworker again.

Friend: “You were right; he was unemployed. How did you know?”

Coworker: “‘Guarding my own home’ is a Japanese euphemism for unemployment. It came up in a manga I was reading.”

Who knew being an avid otaku would pay off in business?

My restaurant offers table service, and staff takes orders on tablets. We choose the food but can type instructions to the chef, eg “fish & chips”, “no salt,” etc.

Customer: “What’s the soup of the day?”

Me: “Carrot and cumin.”

Customer: “No, I don’t like carrot or cumin, but I love the bread that comes with it. Can I just have the soup of the day, but only the scone, please?”

Me: “If you like. That will be out shortly.”

The soup of the day comes with a scone. However, I can’t find the scone separately on the tablet, so I enter it exactly as he asks. Our chef, from France, comes to me waving the docket that printed out.

Chef: “Hey, [My Name]? What is this h***? Is there something wrong with my English?”

He’s waving the docket from the kitchen.

Me: “Huh? Oh, you mean, ‘What the h*** is this?’ What’s the problem?”

Chef: “‘Soup of the day, no soup’? You wrote this? He wants an empty bowl?”

I speak a little French.

Me: “Nan… Ils veulent juste le pain qui reste après avoir emporté la soupe.” *Take away the soup, and they want the scone that is left.*

The chef is still confused but understanding.

Chef: “Okay, if that is what he wants.”

The boss has heard the commotion.

Manager: “What did you do this time, [My Name]?”

Me: “Guy at table seventeen just wants the scone from the soup dish. I entered it as a soup without any soup.”

Manager: “Let me check with him.”

Me: “I’m not kidding.”

To be fair to the boss, it’s exactly the sort of prank I would play if I knew the customer.

Manager: “I’m in charge, and if he doesn’t get what he asked for, I’ll have to deal with it!”

The boss comes back.

Manager: *To the chef* “All right, give him a scone.”

Chef: “‘Soup of the day, no soup.’ This is brilliant! I will keep this docket for my fridge at home.”

The customer got his scone. The bill got discounted, so he didn’t have to pay for a soup he didn’t order. Our tablets now list “scone” as a separate option.