Getting Into Some Meaty Discussions

, , , , | Working | November 25, 2017

(I work at a butcher shop. The two main butchers, also the manager and assistant manager, are two men of about 50 years old. One is short and rotund, and is extremely tough looking, but his personality is exactly the opposite. The other guy is humongous, nearly seven feet tall and built like a brick house, mainly because he hauls huge slabs of meat all day. He is a bit simple minded, though, and not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He is also the sweetest person I know. The main form of communication they use, however, is shouting. They’re not angry or anything, they just don’t have inside voices. It’s always funny when we have new customers or new coworkers, because they always jump when they first hear the two shout.)

Customer: “And I’d like a couple of steaks as well—”

Butcher #1: *shouts loudly while chopping up meat* “I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE LIKE THAT!” *whacks cleaver loudly onto the block* “I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK! I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU LEFT!” *whacks again* “I TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES!” *vigorously whacks a final time* “DIDN’T I TELL YOU SO?”

(At this point he walks over to the other butcher, weaving his cleaver around. The regulars are used to this, but the new customers are easily spotted due to their white and shocked faces.)

Customer: “Uh…”

Butcher #2: *shouting even harder* “I KNOW YOU TOLD ME THAT, BUT I DIDN’T EXPECT IT TO BE SO BAD! IT WAS HORRIBLE!”

(He grabs a knife as well, and starts waving it around while he’s looking for his whetstone. The waving around is just his way of emphasizing his point. By now, some customers are genuinely scared.)

Customer: “Are… are they all right? What’s going on?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, it’s nothing; they’re always like that. It’s no big deal.”

Butcher #1: “I TOLD YOU THE BEACH WOULD BE BUSY! IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER!”

Me: “Apparently they’re discussing the beach today. Anything else, sir?”

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When Your Inappropriate Comments Hit The Roof(ie)

, , , , , | Working | November 23, 2017

(I work with a coworker that is known for saying inappropriate things to clients. She has to sit in a corner desk facing the wall because of her loud and obnoxious comments. I sit very close to her and one call stands out in particular. She is completing a medical financial assistance application over the phone with a pregnant client.)

Coworker: “And how many babies are you expecting?”

Client: “I’m three months alon— Oh! I’m sorry, just one. Having some trouble with baby-brain.”

Coworker: *loudly* “Oh, I remember those days! Being pregnant is just like being roofied!”

(Queue everyone within a five-desk radius prairie-dogging up from their desks for confirmation that this was actually just said!)

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Egg Tray For The Egg Blockers

, , , , | Working | November 22, 2017

Me: *looking in the fridge* “There’s… tampons in the fridge.”

Coworker: *who is female* “Tampons?”

Me: “It looks like them.” *pointing to the egg tray*

Coworker: *coming over* “Yup, that’s them. I wonder who put them in there?”

Me: “Is that something women do?”

Coworker: “I don’t personally, but to each their own, I suppose. But seriously, the egg tray? Really? That isn’t very considerate!”

Me: “Should we tell someone?”

(We wound up telling the manager, who was furious and decided to remove and bin them herself. About an hour later, another coworker came running down to the staff room. We then heard, “WHERE THE F*** ARE MY TAMPONS?!” She wasn’t happy when she found out, but it did teach her to ask before doing it. She now puts them in a container first.)

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Children Always Suck The Life Out Of You

, , , , | Related | November 21, 2017

(My coworker comes into work after Halloween sporting what looks like a hickey. She’s a single mother, and she’s been quite serious about not looking for a relationship. So, we are quite surprised.)

Coworker: “Not what it looks like. My daughter bit me; she was a vampire this year.” *shows a picture of daughter in costume*

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Groomed For Success

, , , , , | Working | November 20, 2017

(My coworkers are chatting in the staff room when I arrive.)

Coworker #1: “It’s not hard; you just have to be patient, you know? A hug here, a pat on the back there, and back off if they get uncomfortable. Keep pushing their limits, but not so much that you push them away. Slow and steady, and you’ll get there eventually.” *notices me watching* “Oh, hey, [My Name]. What’s up?”

Me: “This is what I get for walking in in the middle of the conversation. You’re either breaking in a shy house pet or grooming a molestation victim.”

([Coworkers #2 and #3] chuckle, while [Coworker #4] chokes on his drink. [Coworker #1] sighs patiently.)

Coworker #1: “I’m helping a friend of mine overcome his social anxiety.”

Me: *nodding sagely* “Grooming a victim it is, then.”

([Coworker #1] responded with something that was almost certainly extremely vulgar, but at that point, all of us, including him, were laughing too hard for me to make him out.)

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