Will Get A Roasting For That Later

, , , , | Working | December 18, 2017

(At the end of my undergrad, I started working at a small local coffee shop. I end up graduating a semester early and decide to work at the shop full time until the lease on my apartment is up. When I switch to full-time, I work with an older woman who isn’t quite up-to-date on her science. This happens right as we get a new light roast, so we offer light, medium, and dark.)

Coworker: “Hi guys, would you like to try our new light roast today?”

Customer #1: “No, thanks; I’d rather have the dark roast. More caffeine.”

Coworker: “Actually, lighter roasts have more caffeine than darker roasts!”

Customer #2: “Wait, really? Why?”

Coworker: “Because roasting the beans longer makes more caffeine evaporate out of the beans!”

Me: “Um… that’s not how that works.”

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And What’s The Name Of That Program That Processes Words?

, , , , , | Working | December 18, 2017

Highly-Trained Engineer: “What was the name of that program you told me? The one you run to get a system update?”

Me:System Update.”

(I present the engineer with a post-it note with “System Update” written, in quotes, on it.)

Highly-Trained Engineer: “I don’t need the sticky; I should be able to remember that.”

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A Bag Full Of Ignorance

, , , , , , | Working | December 18, 2017

(Out of everyone on our team, there is one man we’re almost certain is willfully ignorant. He moved to the US when he was two years old, and at the time this story took place, he was into his early thirties. In all the thirty-some years he lived in California, he never bothered to learn anything about the culture that surrounded him. It often ended in hilarity like this story. One quiet workday, when there is only a single customer in the store, and I’m chatting with a manager, the ignorant coworker shouts across several aisles:)

Coworker: “HEY, MANAGER! WHAT EXACTLY IS A ‘DOUCHE BAG’?!”

(The manager and I stare at him in shock. He has shouted so loudly the nearby customer literally dropped what she was holding and is staring at us, also shocked.)

Manager: “Err… ah…”

Me: “Are you serious?!”

(We all burst out laughing because we didn’t know how else to handle the embarrassing situation, while the ignorant coworker stood there and was utterly confused as to what was so funny. The manager later had to take the employee to the side and tell him that next time he ought to ask his random questions quietly, when he was on his break.)

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You’re Being Followed

, , , | Working | December 15, 2017

(I work on a customized double decker bus that helps people at night. One of our volunteers is notorious for having the worst farts ever.)

Volunteer #1: *farts*

Shift Leader: “ABANDON SHIP!”

(Everyone leaves to escape the gas except one volunteer who was upstairs, thinking he was safe. A minute passes…)

Volunteer #2: *sprints down the stairs and out the door choking* “IT FOLLOWED ME UPSTAIRS! I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE!”

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They Need A Hot Slice Of Shame

, , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(One day during lunch I’m serving a group of about a dozen, and as I’m taking everyone’s drink orders, it becomes clear from the conversations that this is a business lunch. As I’m making my lap around the table getting each person’s food order, this happens:)

Woman #1: “I’ll have a small specialty pizza, please.”

(I see a couple of people moving around, changing seats, so I decide to ask to keep myself organized before it gets to be confusing.)

Me: “Oh, will this be all separate checks or one bill?”

Man #1: “Oh, it’ll all be on one. I’ve got it this time.”

Woman #2: “Oh, you don’t have to do that!”

Man #2: “Yeah, we can all get our own! That’s too nice.”

Man #1: “Don’t worry about it, everyone. It’s nothing.”

Me: “All right, sounds good to me.” *as I’m about to move on, [Woman #1] pulls me back to her*

Woman #1: “Actually, if that’s the case, can you make mine a large pizza, instead? I’ll just take some extra home later. Also, an order of wings… for the table.”

(I was secretly very glad she wasn’t in charge of paying the bill or the tip, since she seemed pretty cheap. I just can’t believe she changed her order so blatantly in front of everyone.)

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