Carnado

, , , , | Working | September 21, 2017

(During the start of the day, I tell my coworkers that my son passed his driver’s permit test yesterday, and we joke about staying off the road for a while. Later in the morning, we have a tornado drill, which consists of a computerized voice broadcasting the alarm over the intercom, over and over again.)

Alarm Voice: “Attention, attention. A tornado warning has been issued. Please proceed to the appropriate shelter area…” *repeating over and over again*

(We proceed to the shelter areas, and I stand there, listening to this voice over and over again.)

Coworker: *from down the hall* “Attention, attention. [My Name]’s son has been issued a driver’s permit. Please proceed to the appropriate shelter area…” *repeating over and over again*

In Grave Danger

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(I am passing another department’s office at lunchtime when I notice my coworker working at her desk, as she has been for the last six hours. She is boss of a department of two, meaning that she and her assistant have to go on alternate lunches so one of them is always present.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], have you had lunch yet?”

Coworker: “…Nope.”

Me: “Where’s [Assistant]?”

Coworker: *checks the clock* “Thirty minutes late. She went out with [other department].”

Me: “You’ve been here since 7:30, right? It’s now 13:30. Shouldn’t you text her to get her to find out where she is?”

Coworker: *serene smile* “Nope, I think I’ll let her take her time.”

Me: “…Why?”

Coworker: “Because after lunch I’m giving her a performance review, which she’s known about all week. I love it when they dig their own graves.”

(I never found out what happened in the review, but that afternoon, [Assistant]’s eyes were red.)

Prepare To Lose All Reception

, , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(My colleague is passing through reception, where I work, and we small talk as she signs out for lunch. I use this as an example of how much respect receptionists receive. Bear in mind that this girl is my age, and until two months ago was an assistant administrator.)

Me: “I feel like I’ve done nothing this morning, because I’ve been in and out of meetings.”

Colleague: “What do you have to go to meetings about?”

Me: “Wow…”

(Fortunately I have very little to do with her professionally, and all my other coworkers are lovely.)

They’ll Come Later, Alligator

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(I work third shift. Second shift is notoriously slovenly, to the point that we often spend upwards of two hours getting the plant shipshape again. Today they have left the place fairly clean for once.)

Coworker: “It’s actually kind of eerie when second shift doesn’t leave us a disaster area. It’s like, ‘I’m supposed to be up to my a** in alligators right now! Where are all the alligators?’”

Your Salary This Year Will Be Impotent

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(My coworker likes to occasionally “pick on” some of the sales managers, but it’s all in good fun, and they know she’s just joking.)

Coworker: *shouting out the window of the office to one of the managers* “[MANAGER], ARE YOU IMPOTENT?”

Me: “[Coworker], you can’t say that!”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Do you know what that means?”

Coworker: “Doesn’t it just mean, like, unimportant?”

Me: “No! It means a guy can’t get it up!”

Coworker: “Oh.”

(At this point, the manager comes over, and he’s just dying of laughter.)

Me: “Never say that again!”