Acting Like A Caffeine Teen

, , , , , | | Working | May 21, 2019

(My coworker, who has just come in for her shift, comes up to my desk. She’s in her 20s and a fairly intelligent person, or so I thought. By my desk is a small coffee station for the residents, visitors, and staff.)

Coworker: “Is there any coffee up here?”

Me: “Probably not by this time of day. You could try in the kitchen and see if they have any.”

Coworker: *whiny voice* “I just did. They don’t. What do I do now?”

Me: *pause* “You could make some?”

Coworker: *eyes go wide* “Oh… I guess I could do that!” *trots off happily to the kitchen to do so*

Me: “I need to go home now.”

Living Paycheck To Announcement About Paycheck

, , , , | | Working | May 20, 2019

(It’s Friday, and a payday Friday at that. I’ve already planned my bills, paid one through my mobile app, and decided what I’m getting for groceries, you know, like a normal budgeting adult. My coworker comes in and I say hello to her.)

Coworker: “Hello, [My Name].”

Me: “Hey [Coworker]. Happy payday!”

Coworker: *stops dead in her tracks, eyes go wide* “It’s payday?!”

Me: “Yes?” *laughs at her shocked expression* “How do you not know this?!”

Coworker: “It’s payday!” *does a happy dance off down the hallway* “Thanks, [My Name]!”

Me: “You’re… welcome?”

(Seriously. How do you not know when you get paid?! It must be nice not to have to worry about money!)

Out Of Africa

, , , , , | Working | January 21, 2019

This is when I was working on the sales floor of a large bookstore. I got along with my coworkers pretty well and we tended to chat during slow moments of the day. As it is with retail, we would abruptly stop those conversations when customers approached us needing something, and then we would continue it later on when we had another slow moment.

I had been discussing with my coworker her most recent — of many — trips to Tanzania and how she was eager to return, but we got busy and had to put the conversation on hold. After twenty or thirty minutes it died down again, and I happened to be walking by her and said, “So, when are you going back to Africa?” Then the phone rang and she turned her back to answer it before she had a chance to respond to me.

I turned around and saw a customer glaring at me. I asked if she needed any help and she very curtly said, “No, I don’t!”

It took me a moment to realize that the customer had just witnessed me — a white man — go up to my coworker — a black woman — for apparently no reason and ask her when she was going back to Africa without any other context. I’m sure she thought I was being a complete a**hole bigot!

I felt so embarrassed! But the woman left the store before I had a chance to explain it to her.

I later told my coworker about it and she thought it was funny. But she suggested I make sure to reference Tanzania directly in our future conversations about her trips.

Periodically Bloated

, , , , , | Working | January 21, 2019

(I’m having really bad back pain so I ask my Mum to drop a hot water bottle to work for me in the hope that it will help. I go down to the canteen there to fill it up and grab some chocolate while I’m there. Another woman is making tea at the same time and she sees my hot water bottle and chocolate.)

Worker: *sympathetically* “That time of the month, huh?”

(I laugh and gesture to my stomach.)

Worker:Wow! You get really bloated on your period. Does that not hurt?!”

Me: “Uh… I’m seven months pregnant!”

Worker: “I know they say you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant, but I really should have copped that one, shouldn’t I? I’m so embarrassed!”

(For the next couple of weeks I seemed to pass the same woman a lot and she always jokingly pretended she didn’t notice I was pregnant. It really amused me.)

Innocent Until Proven Innocent

, , , , , | Legal | June 30, 2018

(The store I work for hires non-violent ex-cons. One of my coworkers was a thief who stole electronics. Recently, some electronics have gone missing. When reports started two weeks ago, he had been here for a few months already. Many have a feeling it’s him but don’t want to falsely accuse just based on past behavior. Our managers have said to keep an eye out and that valuables can be kept in a locked office; an internal investigation is under way and they’ll get the police involved when required. One coworker, however, goes straight up to the ex-thief.)

Coworker: “Hey! I know it’s you. There’s no way it can be anyone else. Hand that mp3 player over. You have no right to get into my bag!” *pushes*

Ex-Thief: “I swear, it’s really not me! Let them investigate.”

Coworker: “No one needs to. You’re a d*** thief and we all know that!”

Manager: “Hey! Calm down. We said we’d investigate. If he’s the thief then he’s going back to jail, but if not, a false accusation is hurtful.”

Coworker: “This is ridiculous. It. Is. Him. I’m calling the police right now.”

Ex-Thief: “You know what? Why not just call the police and get this over with?”

Me: “I think we all know he’s the likely suspect, but he’s innocent until proven guilty.”

Ex-Thief: “[Manager], how about I take a few days off work, perhaps?”

Manager: “I think that would be fine.”

Coworker: “No! He’s going to just leave and we’ll never see him or our missing stuff again!”

(In the end, the managers did an immediate search of the employee room. They found a missing cell phone wrapped in an eyeglass cloth… with the company name which someone remembered that the angry coworker had glasses from. Yes, HE turned out to be the actual thief, and it was proven by security camera later. His “missing” mp3 player turned out to be in his own bag. Police agreed.)

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