My infant daughter has several food allergies, so we are trying foods out very slowly. For the past two months, we haven’t been able to find a single definitely suitable food, so currently she only has eight solid foods in her diet. This obviously stresses me out as she approaches the one-year mark, and some of her allergies are so bad that I can’t have those foods either while breastfeeding.

I’m visiting my relatives in my old hometown, and the visit starts on shaky footing when my mum first wants to serve me breaded fish (can’t have wheat) and then cream stewed fish (can’t have dairy). I end up cooking the fish myself, which I’m perfectly happy to do.

As we’re getting ready to eat, my daughter is happily sitting in her high chair with her food while I’m getting myself a plate. When I turn around, I notice that my cousin has given her a piece of lettuce from the salad bowl. Instead of getting angry like I should, my brain kind of freezes, unable to process the situation. Eventually, I take the piece of lettuce from my daughter — luckily, she has only eaten a tiny piece — before addressing my cousin.

Me: “Please don’t give her more lettuce.”

Cousin: *Huffily* “Well, of course not!”

Me: “It’s just that, even if lettuce was okay, there are tomatoes and cucumber in there, too, and we haven’t tried those yet.”

Cousin: “Oh, come on. No one is allergic to cucumber! It’s mostly water!”

Me: “Actually, you can be allergic to cucumber, and since she’s allergic to bananas, she’s very likely allergic to cucumber, too, since they have crossed allergens.”

Later on, when insistently being offered sweets with coffee, I explained that I couldn’t have any since there’s wheat and dairy in them, and my cousin blew a raspberry and rolled her eyes.

At least now I know who DEFINITELY won’t be babysitting my daughter, ever. The worst part is that she knows very well how allergic my daughter is. She knows all about the first two months of non-stop screaming and crying, day and night, that my daughter did before we figured out she had allergies. She knows about the terrible rashes that still sometimes break out, the gastrointestinal pain, the diarrhoea, the constipation, and the acid reflux, and she STILL behaves like this.

My coworker is trying to find the correct mailbox for another (new) coworker.

Coworker: “Why is Vah-ry’s name spelt with an M?”

Me: “Mhairi. It’s Gaelic, like in Niamh.”

Coworker: *Laughs* “I have a cousin Niamh. I should have thought of that.”

Sometime later…

Me: “How many cousins do you have, anyway?”

[Coworker] thinks for a moment.

Coworker: “Twenty-two. Oh, wait. I missed one side of the family. Twenty-eight.”

Me: “…”

CONTENT WARNING: Implied Animal Cruelty

Me: “My American friend keeps sending me videos of hissing opossums. I’m glad we don’t have rabies in Australia.”

Cousin: “The opossums aren’t rabid; they’re just angry. Just get a shovel and scoop them away. Actually, just get a shovel if you did find an animal with rabies.”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “Smack it with a shovel. Like you do if a fox comes after the chickens.”

Me: “But what if there’s a lot of them?”

Cousin: “Mm. Still shovel. If it’s a snake, you just try to smash at its neck with a shovel. If it’s a spider, just smash it with the shovel. If it’s a fox, you swing at it. If it’s a bunch of dingoes, make sure there isn’t one behind you, swing the shovel, and chase them swinging it until they run off. If it’s a kangaroo, swing the shovel until it moves away. And if it’s a wild pig—”

Me: “Hit it with the shovel?”

Cousin: “No, throw the shovel at it as a distraction so you can climb a tree.”

One of my distant cousins is, for lack of a better word, a bit of a sourpuss by all appearances. She’s very closed off and standoffish and is generally emotionless, but I’ve always chalked it up to her just being a private person. She also has Lyme Disease and was diagnosed while she was pregnant with twins. Both kids ended up having symptoms, and one of them had to get a cochlear implant.

On one of the rare occasions we get together, I try talking to her.

Me: “So, how are you doing?”

My cousin positively lit up and started talking like we were old friends. As it turns out, the entire six years she’s had Lyme Disease, not one person has asked how she was handling it, just the twins. I’m a little shocked that no one has asked, not even within the family, but I suppose they were too focused on the babies to realize.

I also found out that the reason she never smiles or shows much emotion is because the Lyme Disease gave her Bell’s Palsy on and off, and she’s self-conscious about it becoming apparent and someone pointing it out.

I have a very friendly regular who comes in super early every morning. They always order the same thing, and we always have a little talk.

Regular: “I just took one of those DNA test thingies.”

Me: “Oh, wow! Me, too!”

Regular: “It’s really cool.”

Me: “Yeah, the ancestry mix is amazing. My family is from so many places.”

Regular: “Yeah, but the family tree function is the best part. I found cousins and relatives I didn’t even know I had.”

Me: “Really? That’s on there?”

Regular: “Yes! You have to opt in. Want me to show you?”

Me: “Yes, please!”

Since it’s so early and quiet, the regular takes my phone and activates the “Relatives” section of the ancestry app. Straightaway, it highlights some distant cousins.

Me: “That’s so cool!”

The regular’s phone dings with a notification.

Regular: “Oh, would you look at that? I’ve got new relative matches, too!”

We both look at our phones for a moment to take in the new information, and then we both realize something. We look up at each other, shocked but smiling.

Me: “Your great-grandma was Nanna Beth from Brooklyn?”

Regular: “Hello, cousin!”

She’s no longer “just” my favorite regular now!

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