With Every Breath, It Gets More Hurtful

, , , , , , | Related | May 12, 2019

(My youngest brother is thirteen and a very sweet kid. He can be a bit overwhelming at first; he’s very energetic and loves to talk your ear off with fifty different topics all at once. Despite this, my family and I love him dearly. He has some mental damage done from seizures he had as a baby, so he’s certainly “different” to others, but to us he’s normal. Most people in our family accepted him right away when they met him, thinking he’s a sweetheart… Some didn’t — not right away, at least. One day, my cousin, about four years older than my brother, visits from out of state to see us and our grandparents. I offer to drive her and my brother to the store as they need something. This happens while we’re there.)

Brother: “Oh, oh! [My Name], look, look! This shirt has a Minecraft creeper on it! I want it.”

Me: “It’s 30 bucks! I don’t have that money on me right now, bud. Sorry.”

(He’s a bit upset but walks it off. He tends to mumble to himself to let off steam. He’s mumbling something about getting money himself for it, and I can hear him. So can [Cousin].)

Cousin: “Um, excuse me?!”

(Both my brother and I look at her.)

Cousin: “What did you just say?! Under your breath?”

Brother: “N-Nothing…”

Cousin: “I know you said something. What was it?”

Brother: “I… I just wanted the shirt…”

Cousin: “Okay, so you act like a f****** baby because she said no?”

Me: “Woah, woah. Calm down, [Cousin].”

Brother: “N-No… I wanted it but… I can wait for it… I just said that I could get money myself.”

Cousin: “Yeah, okay, sure. You need to stop acting like a f****** baby. Grow up! You’re too old for Minecraft, anyway. Get over it.”

Brother: “But I like it. It’s fun and I play with friends.”

Cousin: “You’re too old! Grow up. Your stupid friends are probably younger than you. Why do you act like such a baby?!”

Brother: “I just–”

Cousin: “No excuses! [My Name], your brother is so immature. What the h*** is wrong with him?”

Me: “[Cousin], you don’t need to make a scene. I heard him and he said nothing bad. You don’t need to be insulting him like this.”

Cousin: “Yeah, well, it’s not like it’s my fault he’s so [disability slur].”

(That’s when I stare at her, unsure of what to say. My brother tears up and runs off, about ready to cry.)

Me: “Excuse me?! It’s not his fault… You have no right to act this way towards him.”

Cousin: “This is why he acts spoiled. You’re a f****** idiot for giving him what he wants.”

(She stormed off towards the checkout with whatever she happened to pick up while I ran off to look for my brother, who was crying in the toy aisle. I tried to calm him down, letting him know I’d talk with [Grandparents] when we got home. He accepted that and walked with me towards [Cousin] who looked impatient. The drive home was silent, save for a few sniffs from my brother. I tried to explain the situation to my grandparents, but [Cousin] kept interrupting and, in the end, my grandparents scolded my brother for his behavior and me for allowing him to act like that. [Cousin] was smug about it, too. My brother and I went home and I refuse to speak to my cousin, who has tried to talk to me like nothing happened since.)

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She Has Bad Jeans

, , , , , , | Related | April 25, 2019

(I have a cousin who I’ve never really been close to, for good reason. I’m 12 years old while she is 14. I’m out shopping with her and my auntie — her mum.)

Cousin: “Oh, these jeans.” *points to $200 jeans* “I want them.”

Auntie: “What? No. Sorry, we can’t afford them right now. Your birthday is coming up; maybe you can get them then.”

Cousin: *yelling* “NO! I want them now!”

(People are staring.)

Auntie: “I’m sorry. We just can’t afford them.”

(My cousin then throws herself on the ground and starts kicking and screaming, throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old until my auntie gives in and buys them for her. From then on, I refuse to go shopping with them. Fast forward twenty years: I have moved interstate for work. Along with my boyfriend, I’m visiting my parents for their 40th wedding anniversary which is a family BBQ. My cousin, auntie, and uncle are there. After dinner, my boyfriend gets down on one knee and proposes to me. Before I can even respond:)


(Everyone turns to look at her.)

Auntie: “What’s wrong?”

Cousin: *to me* “You can’t get engaged.”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “I’m the older, prettier, smarter one. I’m better than you; I should get married first.”

(My whole family is in shock. I’m sick of her temper tantrums and thinking she’s better than me, so I decide to stand up for myself.)

Me: “Just because you’re a stuck-up, self-centered b**** doesn’t mean you get to dictate when I get engaged or married.” *to my boyfriend* “Of course, I’ll marry you!”

(My cousin threw a glass bowl full of punch through a glass door, and then threw herself on the ground crying and screaming that it was so unfair. My uncle had to pick her up and carry her out to their car, while we were left to deal with the cleanup at the ruined anniversary/engagement party. My cousin ended up at the ER to get stitches for cuts from the broken glass door. She wasn’t invited to my wedding, and I’m not surprised to say she’s still single and none of my family speaks to her.)

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Crafty Cousin Contrives Crude Consequence For Crazy Car Companion

, , , , , , , | Related | April 2, 2019

(I’m out driving with my cousin and aunt. My aunt is a horrible back-seat driver.)

Aunt: “The turn is coming! Get ready for the turn! It’s coming!”

Cousin: “I know where the turn is! Shh!”

Aunt: “Will you change lanes already?!”

Cousin: “Listen. Have I ever got lost driving? No! Have I accidentally ever missed a turn? Maybe once or twice, but not near enough for you to be yapping away like that. Now, zip it, or I’ll embarrass the heck out of you!”

Aunt: “You wouldn’t dare! Red light!

(The red light in question is a decent distance ahead of us and my cousin had already started to slow down before our aunt screamed. Once stopped, he looks at me in the rearview mirror with an evil grin on his face.)

Cousin: “Just wait a few minutes. We have a brief stop to make.”

Aunt: “Wait, what?” *eyes widen* “You wouldn’t!”

(My cousin just keeps grinning. After a couple of minutes of silence, he pulls into the parking lot of an adult video and toy store and rolls down the window.)


(My aunt’s face turns bright red and she tries to duck out of view.)

Aunt: “Stop it! Get out of here! [Cousin], no!”


(My aunt just made embarrassed whimpers and tried to hide her face while my cousin drove out of the parking lot and back on the road. My cousin had a satisfied smile on his face almost the entire way to our destination, and my aunt never tried to be a back-seat driver to him ever again.)

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Being A Big Baby About It

, , , , , , | Related | March 25, 2019

(My husband and I both dislike children, so we didn’t invite any children to our wedding and we spread the word that we didn’t want any kids or babies there. Most family and friends were cool with it and either clubbed together to pay for a crèche service for the day or sent us their regrets that they wouldn’t be able to come. All fine, until I get a phone call from one of my cousins.)

Cousin: “I just heard that my baby isn’t invited to your wedding even though I am?!”

Me: “Sorry, but we’re not inviting any children or babies to our wedding.”

Cousin: “You selfish c***! What do you expect me to do?!”

Me: “Either find someone to look after your baby for the day or don’t come to the wedding. We understand that people who can’t be without their children for whatever reason won’t be able to come, and that’s totally fine.”

Cousin: “What are you going to do once you start having babies?! Huh?!”

Me: “We’re not having any kids, but that’s irrelevant. We don’t want children at our wedding, and we’re paying for it, so we can make the rules.”

Cousin: “F*** you, you selfish c***. I’ll turn up with my baby, anyway! You won’t notice she’s there; she’s quiet. The wedding isn’t about you! Selfish! Selfish!”

Me: “If you’re going be this insulting, then you’re uninvited, anyway.”

Cousin: “You can’t do that, and you can’t ban babies from a wedding! It’s not a real marriage if you’re not having kids, anyway, you stupid c***.” *hangs up*

(She DID, in fact, show up on the day of the wedding with her baby in tow, despite telling us via email she wouldn’t come to our “sham wedding” after that phone call. The rest of our guests told her to GTFO, so she ended up driving 40 miles home again right away! I only found out about this after the wedding, which went very well. We have a lovely, happy, childless marriage now.)

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Painting A Barren Landscape

, , , , , | Related | March 8, 2019

(I’m talking on the phone to my cousin shortly after a big family party.)

Cousin: “Oh, by the way, I was so sorry to hear about [Daughter]’s problem.”

Me: “Huh? Which problem?”

Cousin: “Well, that she’s… not able to have children.”

Me: “What?! [Daughter] isn’t infertile, at least that I’ve heard.”

Cousin: “She told me she was!”

(Immediately after finishing this conversation, I call my daughter.)

Me: “Why is [Cousin] under the impression that you’re sterile?”

Daughter: “Probably because I told him I was.”

Me: “Was there some reason for this or was it just a passing fancy?”

Daughter: “He kept bugging me about [Son-In-Law] and I having kids, and I didn’t think it was any of his business, so I told him I couldn’t get pregnant to get him to shut up.”

Me: “[Daughter]! He feels terrible!”

Daughter: “What? Telling someone they ought to be having kids is rude. You’d tell me off if I did it to someone. He acted like a jacka**; now he feels like a jacka**. Maybe another time he’ll stop and think about it before he says something similar to someone who actually can’t get pregnant.”

Me: *after a pause* “I blame your father. You turned out too clever.”

Daughter: “Love you, too, Mom.”

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