The Art Of Potato-Fu

, , , | Related | February 3, 2020

(I have a younger cousin who is studying in the UK. He’s returned for Christmas and is answering our grandparent’s questions about the food in his boarding school.)

Cousin: “Potatoes. Day in day out. Three meals a day. Name every type of potato dish you know of and I will have eaten it, and more.”

Grandpa: “No variation at all? Every day you have potatoes?”

Cousin: “Yes. Potato soup, smoked potato, steamed potato, mashed potato, mashed sweet potato, sweet potato fries, even potato tofu.”

Wife: “I’m sorry, what?”

Grandma: “Potato tofu?”

Me: “That’s a thing?”

Cousin: “Yeah, I didn’t believe it, either. I thought my seniors were joking until I actually had it. Wasn’t actually too bad.”

Me: “What did it taste like?”

(My wife and I then got into an intense debate/interrogation about everything my cousin knew about that potato tofu he had, which allowed us to approximate the recipe. When my cousin returned back to Singapore after graduation, we disguised it as normal tofu, which he loves, and served it to him. He flipped out when he ate it, screaming that he did not want to see a single potato again for the rest of his life. After he calmed down, we had a good laugh about it and began plotting to serve the same dish to the rest of his fellow students at their next get-together.)

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The Battle Of The Brides

, , , , | Related | January 21, 2020

(My now-husband and I get engaged in 2010. We know we want to wait at least a year until we get married, for several reasons, and we end up choosing a wedding date two years in the future that works best for us. Everything is planned early, and I send our save-the-dates out a year in advance, with invitations to follow about six months before the wedding. We are probably the most relaxed bride and groom any of our friends and family have ever seen. Ultimately, we just want a fun day with everyone, nothing crazy or too fancy. About a month before our invites go out, my older sister is at our house helping me with the handmade favors we’ve decided to give to our guests.)

Sister: “So, have you heard from [Cousin] lately?”

Me: “No, but you know she and I have never spent a lot of time together outside of family stuff. Why?”

Sister: “You know she got engaged a couple of months ago, right? Well, [Aunt] told Mom that [Cousin] is determined to get married before you do.”

Me: “Why? We’ve never been competitive before.”

Sister: “Maybe it’s because you two are the youngest grandchildren and she doesn’t want to be the last one to get married?”

Me: “That’s silly. But she’s welcome to it if she can find a venue and everything else that quickly. I’ve had two years to plan and that was hectic enough.”

(Two months later, a month since our invites went out and five months before our wedding day, I get an invitation in the mail to [Cousin]’s wedding. She scheduled it for the same date AND time as ours, at a venue on the other side of the state. I immediately call my sister.)

Me: *laughing* “[Sister]! Did you get an invite to [Cousin’s] wedding today?”

Sister: *also laughing* “Yes! I can’t believe she scheduled it the same day as yours! She’s known your wedding date for almost a year.”

Me: “You know who I feel bad for — the relatives that will have to choose between the two weddings. There’s no way anyone would be able to go to both, like if they were closer together and at different times.”

Sister: “Wow, you’re right. Well, we already know Grandma is going to be at your wedding. That’s really going to p*** [Cousin] off.”

(My sister is right. Our cousin is furious at all of the relatives that choose my wedding over hers. Then again, I only invited the relatives that I’m actually close to and talk with, whereas she invited EVERYONE, even people she’d never met. In the end, our wedding is so much fun! It is a relaxing day and everyone seems like they have a good time. About three months after we return from our honeymoon, I get this call from my sister:)

Sister: “[My Name]! Mom just called, and guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Sister: “[Cousin] is pregnant! She’s apparently going on and on about having kids before you do. Blah, blah, blah.”

Me: *bursts out laughing* “Joke’s on her, I guess!”

Sister: “I know! You don’t even want kids!”

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Be Glad They’re Not Going To War

, , , , , , | Related | January 13, 2020

(Every year on New Year’s Eve, my family has a big sleepover at my grandmother’s house. Cousins, grandchildren, and out-of-state relatives will all travel to partake in this. This year, we have someone new participating as my uncle, who lives next door to my grandmother, just got married and now has a 17-year-old stepson. None of us know him very well; most of us are meeting him for the first time at this sleepover. Pretty much all any of us really know about our new cousin is that he really, really likes Star Wars. He notices that one of my younger cousins, who is equally a big fan of Star Wars, is wearing BB-8 pajamas and starts questioning her about her knowledge.)

Cousin #1: “BB-8, huh? Have you seen any of the older movies or just the new ones?”

Cousin #2: “No, I’ve seen them all.”

Cousin #1: “Have you ever actually seen a movie in theaters?”

Cousin #2: “My dad took me to see a free screening of A New Hope at [Local Discount Theater] once.”

Cousin #1: “Oh? Well, then, what about Clone Wars? Have you ever seen either of the Clone Wars cartoons?”

(He eventually starts quizzing her on very specific moments in Star Wars lore and, to her credit, she can answer most of them pretty well until she gets to one question about the show “The Mandalorian” that stumps her.)

Cousin #2: “I don’t know! I haven’t seen it yet because we don’t have Disney+!”

(By this point, I’m starting to worry that he’s gatekeeping and trying to assess whether or not she’s a “true fan,” and I’m getting ready to intervene and defend her if I have to, until I see him smile and get excited.)

Cousin #1: “Yes! I found something you don’t know! Let me get my Xbox so I can show you!”

(He ended up running next door to his house and grabbing his Xbox so they and a bunch of the other kids could stay up all night watching “The Mandalorian” and other Disney shows on his Disney+ account. The next day, the two of them were gushing about Star Wars and he sent her home with a couple of his favorite novels to read. I think he is going to fit in with our family just fine.)

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So Drunk That The Alphabet Changed

, , , , , , | Related | January 1, 2020

(It’s New Year’s morning, a little after five in the morning. My cousin, her fiancé, a friend from our gaming group, his sleeping wife, and I are in a room. His wife starts snoring lightly and he goes to roll her over.)

Me: “Ah, just let her be.”

Cousin: *drunk* “Letter B! Letter B! Third letter of the alphabet!”

Me: “Third?”

Cousin: “Second! Close enough!”

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Laughing At The Joke Is Like Getting In The Van: Never Gonna Happen

, , , , , , | Related | December 18, 2019

(My family is on a skiing trip with my cousins and a few other relatives. My oldest cousin is at least twenty, but my aunt is a little… protective. We’ve stopped for lunch in a big dining hall-type place and it’s around Christmas time, so some people are getting pretty festive. My oldest cousin comes back to our table with a handful of candy and everybody is either excited about it or has a lot of questions:)

Youngest Kids: *already eating the candy*

Aunt: “Where did you get that?”

Oldest Cousin: “Well, some strange man was handing out candy, so I took some.”

Aunt: “What do you mean a ‘strange man’?”

Oldest Cousin: “Mom, I’m kidding. Some guy was handing out Christmas candy to kids, so I asked for some.”

Aunt: “And he just… gave it to you?”

Oldest Cousin: “Well, he also asked me to come out back and get in his van, but I said no… I know I’m not supposed to go anywhere with strangers!”

Aunt: *horrified* “[Oldest Cousin]! Don’t say that!”

Oldest Cousin: *rolls eyes* “Mom, everyone here knows I’m kidding. [Youngest Cousin] is the youngest, and he’s twelve! Nobody’s getting in some guy’s van.”

Aunt: *still horrified*

Adults: *trying to hold in laughter*

Kids: *shamelessly laughing hysterically*

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