This Cousin Deserves To Be Boxed

, , , , | Related | September 6, 2018

(My grandmother is moving and the whole family is helping out. My dad asks his boss if he can borrow a few sturdy boxes, and it is approved, as long as the boxes get returned. One day, we return to the now empty house.)

Dad: “Has anyone seen my boxes?”

Cousin #1: “Oh, I tossed them out.”

Me, Sister, Cousin #2 & Dad: “TOSSED THEM OUT?!”

Sister: “We all knew these boxes had to return to my dad.”

Cousin #1: “Hey, I was busy! I have a lot of things on my mind! You know, I had to do everything on my own, and nobody helped!”

Dad: “Actually, we all offered to help multiple times, and you insisted on doing this on your own. Now what? My boss won’t accept, ‘Sorry.'”

Cousin #1: “You know, it’s always something with this family! How else did I have to move those books?”

Dad: “Use one of those other boxes, like the ones over there?! Or take them out?”

Cousin #1: “I’ve had it with this family. You guys always attack me. I’m out of here!”

(My cousin left. Meanwhile, Grandmother kept on asking where certain valuable things went. We don’t have any proof, but we think we know who took them, to sell at a black market. My cousin doesn’t have a job — and couldn’t keep one even if his life depended on it — and doesn’t live on welfare, but he keeps on posting pictures on Facebook of his new car every few months. We’ll have to keep this silent for Grandmother, though. She thinks her grandson had a rough past but is doing great now. Telling her of this would not be good for her heart.)

Intelligence Is Relative

, , , , | Related | August 9, 2018

(I am sitting around with my brother and our two cousins who are brother and sister. We are cousins because our moms are sisters. Also, we are all between the ages of 17 and 20. The phone rings, so I answer it.)

Me: “[Brother], it’s for you.”

(My brother takes the phone from me and starts talking.)

Cousin #1: “Who’s he talking to?”

Me: “My Aunt [Not Her Mother].”

Cousin #1: “Is that your mom’s sister or your dad’s sister?”

Cousin #2: “[Cousin #1], think long and hard about who her mom’s sister is.”

Cousin #1: “Oh, yeah!”

A House For The Ages

, , , | Related | August 5, 2018

(I am home at my grandparents’ house for the holidays. My uncle pops over with my eight-year-old cousin to say hello. While my uncle goes off to find my grandfather and ask him something, my cousin hangs out with me in the living room. My grandparents have lived in the same house for over fifty years. My sister and I lived there in our teens due to some family issues, and I spent summers there during college. My grandfather still refers to the bedroom I used as my bedroom, though I haven’t lived there for over five years, and it was my uncle’s before it was mine and my mother’s before that. It has since been converted to a guest room.)

Cousin: “Are you staying for Christmas?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m staying until the day after.”

Cousin: “Are you staying at Grandpa’s?”

Me: “That’s the plan.”

Cousin: “In your room?”

Me: “Well, it’s not really my room anymore. Anyone can use it. Besides, before it was my room, it was your dad’s room!”

Cousin: “No!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Cousin: “The house isn’t old enough!”

(My grandparents’ house is over 100 years old. I am 27 and his poor dad is only 35.)

The Man From Uncle

, , , , | Related | July 28, 2018

(My mother’s side of the family is having our first big reunion in years. In many East Asian cultures, you don’t call older relatives by name; there are specific titles for specific relationships.)

Cousin: *talking about mum’s older brother* “Because I’m half white and all American, I didn’t realise Tua Ku’s name wasn’t Tua Ku until I was, like, eighteen…”

Not Much Scarier Than Flagrant Misogyny

, , , , , | Related | July 20, 2018

My cousin and his wife have been ribbing me ever since I gave their daughter nightmares by showing her a certain Robin Williams movie about a magic board game.

Tonight at dinner, their daughter starts talking about waking up scared again and, fearing the worst, I ask why. She points to her father and says, “We watched Ghostbusters.”

Cue my cousin’s wife glaring at him, while he indignantly tries to claim that the movie wasn’t scary because it was “stupid” and “starred four women.” I don’t know about the movie, but the look in her eye was frightening enough!

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