(I’m celebrating my 30th birthday with a group of friends and family at a restaurant. There’s a twenty-year age gap between my cousins and me, and one of the little ones has just turned ten a few days ago. She comes up to me as I’m eating:)

Cousin: “Hey! I need to tell you something.”

Me: “What’s up, kiddo?”

Cousin: “I’m ten now, and I’m allowed to say the B word!”

Me: “Which one? Bulls***, b*****d, or b****?”

Cousin: *looks at me like I’ve just told her how to get to Narnia* “ALL OF THEM!” *walks away*

Me: “Aaaand I think I just taught her a couple of new swear words.”

My Friend: “Your aunt is going to kill you.”

(I am at a picnic with family members and somehow get on the subject of phone backgrounds with a much older cousin.)

Me: “My background right now is a picture of an actor from an old black and white movie from the 50s. I think he’s attractive.”

Cousin: “Who’s the actor?”

Me: “[Actor]. He’s British.”

Cousin: “Oh, he doesn’t look very good now.”

Me: “Wait, you know who he is?”

(I am surprised, because nobody else has recognized the name.)

Cousin: “Yeah, and he’s not very good-looking now.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

Cousin: “Well, he’s not.”

Me: *getting a little fed up* “Yes, I know. He died in 1991.”

Cousin: *pause* “Which is why I said he’s not very good-looking anymore.”

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

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(My aunt and her three-year-old daughter are at a festival when they come across a person dressed like a giant peach. So far, my cousin has been very calm with all the costumes, but this one really freaks her out, enough so that they have to go home because she’s so terrified. The next day…)

Aunt: “We’re going grocery shopping.”

Cousin: *fearfully* “Will there be a peach?”

Aunt: “No, honey, there won’t be a peach.”

(Some time later…)

Aunt: “We’re going out to a restaurant.”

Cousin: “Will there be a peach?”

(This continues for months. My aunt is at her wit’s end, but finally, after this has been going on for a very long time, my cousin is starting to not be afraid of seeing a peach everywhere she goes, and only asks about it every so often. One day:)

Aunt: “We’re going to [Charity Thrift Store].”

Cousin: “Will there be a peach?”

Aunt: “No, sweetie, no peaches.”

(They got to [Charity Thrift Store], and the moment they walked in the door they saw a GIANT stuffed peach with eyes, arms, and legs just sitting on a shelf, staring at them! My cousin freaked out and they left immediately. Her fear was blown back up to huge proportions, and she continued to be terrified of leaving the house for many months after that. The story of how there JUST HAPPENED to be a huge peach at [Charity Thrift Store] is now legendary in our family.)

(I am camping with my family, and my cousin is joining us. In the evening, my younger brother and cousin, both around 14, go for a walk around the campsite. When they come back, I overhear this conversation:)

Brother: “I don’t think that was a squirrel.”

Cousin: “It did look a bit strange.”

Me: “Wait, what are you guys talking about?”

Cousin: “We saw a squirrel earlier and thought it would be fun to chase it! So we ran after it for a bit.”

Brother: “Until it ran into a tent! But we were talking that it looked strange for a squirrel…” *looks at the cousin* “Um, I think it might have been a skunk.”

Me: “Please tell me you guys are joking!”

(We went to the tent they saw the “squirrel” run into. They told me the lights were off when they were chasing it. They weren’t off anymore. We just cleared it from there. Fast.)

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