The Guessing Dead

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(I am at a picnic with family members and somehow get on the subject of phone backgrounds with a much older cousin.)

Me: “My background right now is a picture of an actor from an old black and white movie from the 50s. I think he’s attractive.”

Cousin: “Who’s the actor?”

Me: “[Actor]. He’s British.”

Cousin: “Oh, he doesn’t look very good now.”

Me: “Wait, you know who he is?”

(I am surprised, because nobody else has recognized the name.)

Cousin: “Yeah, and he’s not very good-looking now.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

Cousin: “Well, he’s not.”

Me: *getting a little fed up* “Yes, I know. He died in 1991.”

Cousin: *pause* “Which is why I said he’s not very good-looking anymore.”


Have you lost all faith in humanity? Well, misery loves company. Join us at our Antisocial collection in the NAR Store!

Your Stories Are Complete Bull(y)

, , , , | Related | August 3, 2017

(As a child, my little cousin was an unpleasant little brat. Frequently he would annoy people with his loud antics and then throw tantrums when told to stop. He was also known to tell lies and get others in trouble. The family has grown weary of his behaviour and he is universally loathed by us. By now, my aunt has started noticing his behaviour and is starting coming down hard on him. We have family visiting from overseas and my uncle and cousin are reading in the living room at my grandma’s place. Suddenly my cousin comes in being really noisy and irritating.)

Uncle: “HEY! Cut it out, now!”

Cousin: “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU’RE NOT MY MUMMY!”

Uncle: “Well, I’m the adult here and I’m telling you to be quiet. We’re trying to read. Now either play quietly or get out!”

(My cousin glares at him but obeys. Minutes later while my older cousin is reading, the younger cousin knocks the book out of his hands and starts giggling.)

Older Cousin: “KNOCK IT OFF!”

(The younger cousin then proceeds to do it again a few minutes later, laughing hysterically. My uncle immediately grabs him and pulls him out the room by his ear. Right away my cousin runs to his mother crying about ‘being bullied’ and makes her come with him to the living room. As she enters, he has a really smug look on his face as if everyone is in big trouble.)

Aunt: “So [Uncle], what did [Cousin] do this time?”

Cousin: “MUMMY!”

Aunt: “Be quiet; now what did he do?”

Uncle: “Oh, we told him to be play quietly and instead he thought it would be great fun to keep knocking [Older Cousin]’s book out of his hand.”

Aunt: “Well, I’m very sorry about that; seems he has few hard lessons to be learned.”

Cousin: “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE ME!”

Aunt: “Oh, am I? Well, isn’t it funny how this ‘being bullied’ stuff has been occurring an awful lot lately? Like when you pushed that other kid over in the playground at school and hurt him because you were ‘being bullied’ and it turned out you were just mad he beat you at some game? Or the other time recently when you broke [Friend]’s new toy because you were ‘being bullied’ and his mother then told me it was because you were jealous you didn’t have the same toy? Big coincidence that everyone is picking on you these days, isn’t it? Now, why don’t try telling me the truth for a change?”

(My cousin proceeded to throw a massive tantrum to try and get out of trouble. My aunt, unfazed by this, sent him to his room without supper. He later got grounded for two weeks with no TV after he was caught trying to sneak downstairs. Thankfully, my aunt’s ‘hard lessons’ she taught him have really paid off and he has grown into a more mature and responsible young man. It took a great deal of work, though.)

Up In Your Face About Your Face

, , , | Related | July 31, 2017

(My family rarely gets together so I haven’t seen anyone for several years. An event comes up and most of my siblings and many cousins, etc. make arrangements to gather in a town for a festival weekend. It is planned that the first night all will get together for a giant, shared meal. I am seated across the table from my aunt.)

Aunt: “What the h*** is that?”

Me: “What?”

Aunt: “That thing on your face!”

(She touches her own face indicating where.)

Me: “Oh. That’s cancer.”

Aunt: “Can you do something about it?”

Me: “Surgery is scheduled for later this month.”

Aunt: “Why would you go out in public like that?”

(This is a lesion that is smaller than a pencil eraser located above my lip. It looks a bit like a healed cold sore.)

Me: “Well, this is the only face I have so I don’t have much choice.”

Aunt: “Couldn’t you have gotten it fixed before you came?”

Me: “As you can see from my scars, I had surgery before I came. There is only so much the doctor was willing to do at once. I’ll have two more surgeries.”

Aunt: “Well, you’ll just have to sit somewhere else. I can’t eat looking at that.”

Me: “Sorry my cancer makes you so uncomfortable. What on earth was I thinking?”

(I got up and moved to sit next to a cousin.)

Cousin: “Yeah, just this morning she asked us why we thought the family got together so rarely. How’s your treatment going, by the way?”

Me: “The prognosis is good; thank you for asking.”

Aunt: “All I inherited from mom was my nose, thank goodness.”