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The Jury’s No Longer Out On Whether They Need An Update

, , , | Legal | March 30, 2019

(I’ve moved from one end of the country to another. Occasionally, my dad still gets a piece of mail with my name on it. Usually, it’s just junk mail, but if it looks official, he’ll open it for me to make sure it’s nothing super important. One day, it’s a jury summons, and we’re both stumped because I haven’t lived in the state, much less his house, in five years. I call his county clerk’s office.)

Me: “Hi. Um, I’m not entirely sure what to do in this situation. My dad got a jury summons for me the other day but–“

Clerk: “Then you need to report on the day indicated.”

Me: “Yes, but I can’t because-“

Clerk: “If you don’t show, you’ll have a bench warrant out for you.”

Me: “Yes, I know, but the thing is, I don’t live at that address anymore.”

Clerk: “Oh, then we need to update our records.”

Me: “I’ll say. I don’t even live in the same state as you and haven’t in several years. I’ve also gotten married, and the summons has my maiden name, not my legal name.”

Clerk: “Oh! Well, we get our records through the DMV.”

Me: “Right, well, I also haven’t had a license registered to that state in five years; I changed it when I moved, and then when I moved again, and then I updated it when I got married, so I’m not sure why your DMV gave you such outdated information. But anyway, I’m obviously not going to be able to go to this jury duty, so what should I do?”

Clerk: “Your dad is going to have to come in a sign a few things stating that you don’t live there anymore and it should be taken care of, but are you sure you can’t come in? I know jury duty can be a pain but–“

Me: “Er, I live thousands of miles away. That’s kind of why I’m calling.”

Clerk: *sigh* “If you say so. Just have your dad bring the summons in and fill out a form and we’ll take care of it.”

(I get a phone call a few days later.)

Caller: “Hello, is this Miss [Maiden Name]?

Me: “That was my maiden name, yes, but I’m Mrs. [Married Name] now.”

Caller: “Ah, yes, I see that. We’ve gotten your request about your jury duty summons, and I’m calling to let you know you don’t have to come to this jury panel.”

Me: “Okay, great!”

Caller: “The next group we have you in will meet in two weeks–“

Me: “Woah, woah, woah. Let me stop you right there. I need to not be in any groups in your county — actually, in your entire state. If you’ll look at the information I’m assuming you have in front of you, you’ll see my father filled out a form and gave you my new address.”

Caller: “Yes, I have that information right here.”

Me: “Perfect. Could you do me a favor and read back what state I live in now?”

Caller: “Zip code is… Oh. OH.”

Me: “Yeah, sorry to tell you, but your records really need an upgrade because I’ve moved states twice since I was a teenager, and I’ve gotten married. I’m legally not a resident of your state anymore. Please stop trying to summon me thousands of miles away for jury duty with really outdated records.”

Caller: “Er, yes. I will… take care of this. Have a good day!” *click*

(Turns out a few of my other hometown friends who’ve moved states have had this happen to them as well. One actually had to go to court because they had no idea they’d been summoned and had a bench warrant out for their arrest! Luckily, it was cleared up very quickly with just a few pieces of mail, their ID, and an understanding judge. I’m glad my father still lives at our old address, though; I can’t imagine the hassle I would have had to go through if my summons had just been thrown out.)

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Was That Drunk Driving Or Drunk Calling?

, , , , | Legal Right | January 11, 2019

(It is my first day as a part-time telephone operator at our district court. I have been given a list of the names of the employees and their respective positions so I know where to transfer the calls, but certainly have not had the time or authorization to know each and every single case they have been working on.)

Me: “[District Court], how can I help you?”

Caller: *obviously irate* “I need to speak to my lawyer!”

Me: “No problem. What’s his or her name?”

Caller: “I just need to speak to him!”

Me: “I apologize, but there are several different lawyers in this building. I need his name so I can transfer—“

Caller: “I need my lawyer! He’s supposed to be handling my case! I was driving drunk two months ago and the f****** police got for me for the third time!”

Me: *sighing, thinking that is way more information than I needed* “Sir, I’d be happy to assist you, but I still need the name of your lawyer to be able to transfer this call to him. As I said, there are more than one—“

Caller: “Just do it! How hard can it be? Is this even [District Court] I’m talking to?!”

(At this point I’m not really sure what to do, so I start guessing from the list of names.)

Me: “Is [Lawyer #1] your lawyer? Or possibly [Lawyer #2]?”

Caller: “Nooo! F*****g incompetent people in this city! This is my taxpayers’ money at work!” *hangs up*

(I was left stunned, just staring at the phone. Had this guy not been driving drunk so often, “his” tax money would not have to be spent on the police investigation or the trial in the first place.)

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The Jury’s Verdict Is Sealed With A Kiss

, , , , , | Legal | December 25, 2018

(I’ve been asked to cover for a coworker who has been chosen as a juror on a high-profile trial that could last for weeks. She rings in on the second day to say that she will be back to work on the next day.)

Me: “I thought the trial was supposed to be a big one; is it over already?”

Coworker: “No, I was dismissed yesterday. It was so embarrassing.”

Me: “What happened?”

Coworker: “The judge called me up in front of the whole courtroom and gave me a lecture for inappropriate behaviour in public for a juror. The whole courtroom was sniggering at me.”

Me: “What did you do that was so wrong?”

Coworker: “On the first day, [Fiance] came to pick me up outside the courthouse after work, and he gave me a kiss.”

Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

Coworker: “He was dressed in his police uniform; apparently that means I’m a security risk.”

Me: “You didn’t want to be there, anyway.”

Coworker: “Yeah, I know, but it was embarrassing.”

Me: “If I’m ever called up, can I borrow him?”

Coworker: “Sure. Just make sure it’s during the jury selection; you don’t want to be called up in court.”

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Get Out Or They Will Be An In-Jury

, , , , | Legal | December 24, 2018

(My mom gets called for jury duty every year. One year she is placed in a sexual harassment/title-nine trial. The woman in this case just so happens to be a patient of the doctor my mom works for. The judge in this trial is peeved from the start and warns that he will accept very few excuses for not serving. He declines to accept the excuse that someone is a small business owner and it’s nearing a shopping season, or that someone is a driver and doesn’t get reimbursed by his employer — basically, if he doesn’t drive he doesn’t make any money, and jury service payments are a joke. The judge gets to my mom, who states she has a reason for being unfit for this trial, but due to legal reasons cannot say in a crowded courtroom. The judge keeps pressing and my mom insists that due to HIPPA she can’t say anything more. The judge clears the court of everyone but the opposing parties and their attorneys.)

Judge: *as snide and sarcastic as all get out* “Well, now, [Mom], the court has been cleared. What is your excuse?”

Mom: “I work for [Doctor], and she is a patient.”

(The woman in question goes wide-eyed and whispers to her attorney. Both sides agree to dismiss my mom.)

Judge: *clearly pissed that he has to do this* “[Mom], you’re excused. But you have to return to the jury room to see if your service can be used elsewhere.”

(Fine. My mom went to the jury room, where the clerks were confused. It was already past lunch; most people were completely excused if they’d made it this far. They formally excused her from service for the year. My mom had a good laugh, not only because the judge was so rude, but because the woman was known for being a pain in the a** at my mom’s office.)

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He’s Insuring His Own Fate

, , , , | Legal | December 23, 2018

(I am in traffic court for a speeding ticket. While there, I overhear this exchange:)

Judge: “Mr. [Ticketee], you had a citation for driving without insurance. Do you now have proof of insurance?”

Ticketee: “Yes, right here. I had insurance at the time I was stopped, but didn’t have the proof with me.”

(The judge takes some papers from him.)

Judge: “Okay, you were driving a [Make, Model, and Year of Car] at the time?”

Ticketee: “Yes.”

Judge: “The insurance information you just gave me is for a [totally different vehicle], and the name listed on the policy is not yours.”

Ticketee: “It’s my friend’s insurance.”

Judge: “How does that help you in this case?”

Ticketee: “I didn’t think you would look closely.”

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