A Long But Prosperous Day

| Working | January 3, 2014

(I have been summoned for jury duty and am going through the courthouse security checkpoint. As requested, I empty my pockets of all metallic objects, including my keys, before passing through the walk-through metal detector. When the guard sees my keychain he does a double-take with a quizzical look on his face.)

Me: “Oh, that strange-looking item is my keychain. It’s just a small electronic toy that resembles one of those communicators from the original Star Trek series. I’m not sure if you’ve ever watched it, but I assure you, this keychain is definitely not harmful.”

(Anxious to prove that the keychain wasn’t, in fact, a concealed weapon of some sort, I demonstrated to the guard that it just flipped open and made chirping noises that sounded just like the communicators from the show. As the guard observed this, his expression became overly serious, which worried me.)

Guard: “Here. I need to examine it more closely.”

(He motions for me to hand it over to him. After I comply, he flips it open and holds it up as though he is about to speak through it.)

Guard: “This is Captain James T. Kirk. Beam me up, Scotty!”

(I had worried for nothing! Furthermore, this put a big grin on my face and brightened up what was otherwise a long, dreary day in the jury room.)


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Passed A Bar, Not THE Bar

| Working | September 25, 2013

(I am currently interning at a traffic court, and witness the following case.)

Judge: “Defendant is charged with reckless driving that caused an accident. How does she plead?”

Public Defender: “She pleads ‘insanity,’ Your Honor!”

(The public defender is full of gusto and it is obviously his first case. The defendant slowly looks at him like he’s a complete moron.)

Defendant: “…I plea no contest, Your Honor… There is no insanity plea in a traffic case.”

Judge: *to the public defender* “And the fact that the defendant is more aware of that than you are worries me.”

Public Defender: “Well, she had to have been insane when she was going 120 miles per hour in a 55—”

Judge: “Your job is to DEFEND her, not PROSECUTE her! Or do you need to go back to law school?”

(The defendant looks utterly appalled and shakes her head at the public defender.)

Defendant: “You’re fired.”

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Look Who’s Taco-ing

| Working | February 21, 2013

(I’m going past security at a courthouse.)

Guard #1: “Man, I could use some tacos. ”

Guard #2: “They do sound pretty good right now.”

Guard #1: *to me* “Hey Miss, don’t you think tacos sound good?'”

Me: “It’s 9 am. I think it’s a little early for tacos.”

Guard #1: *deadpan* “It’s never too early for tacos.”

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Wearing Law Suits Will Get You Law Suits

, , , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

(My friends and I are on a mock trial team. We’re all about sixteen, and we have to wear suits to court, like a real trial. We are using a courtroom that no one is using for the day. During a recess, the doors burst open and a woman storms in.)

Woman: “I demand a lawyer!”

Us: “Uh…”

Woman: “You! You there!”

Me: “Who, me?”

Woman: “Yes! I want you to be my lawyer!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a real lawyer.”

Woman: “But you’re in a courtroom! People in courtrooms are lawyers. That’s why I came here to get one.”

Me: “We’re just using it because there’s no one here today. This is a mock trial.”

Woman: “But you’ve got a briefcase!”

Me: “Ma’am, that does have our case information in it, but it’s not a real case. This is mock trial. It simulates a trial. It’s supposed to be exactly like a real one, but… it’s… not.”

Woman: “You’re not a real lawyer? I’m going to sue you for false advertisement. I bet you haven’t even gone to law school!”

Me: “No, I haven’t. And that’s not exactly how suing someone works. I mean, would you sue Tom Cruise for playing a lawyer in A Few Good Men even though he’s not one?”

*pause*

Woman: “But… but you’re wearing a suit!”

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Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

, , , , | Legal Right | April 29, 2009

Me: “This is [Law Firm]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

Caller: “So, I don’t have to appear there?”

Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to.’ But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

Caller: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

Caller: “No, I won’t.”

Me: “Okay, very well. Thanks for the call.”

Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

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