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Things Are Going South By Going North

, , , , | Learning | September 4, 2018

(I have a student I am seriously trying to help at school, but she has been very difficult so far. This is not because she is a bad person, but because she is lazy and doesn’t seem to understand basic concepts. In this case, I am taking care of the group while they work on a social studies evaluation.)

Me: *sees her paper* “[Student], sorry, you have a mistake here. Look. The instructions are to draw an X on the correct answer. So, on the question, ‘Which way does the Sun come out? East, South, or West?’ Just choose one.”

Student: *looks at her paper where she wrote “North” under the other options, then at me* “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, look, let me erase this. So, is it… East, South, or West?”

Student: *grabs her pencil slowly and writes “North” in the same place again*

Me: *wanting desperately to bang my head on the floor* “[Student], listen. Choose one. You don’t need to add options; just draw an X on one of these.”

(I erase “North” again.)

Student: “Yes.”

Me: “[Student], every other question you have drawn an X on, without problem. Just listen… I’ll give you a hint: the answer is not North.”

(I noticed the student seemed to be thinking, so I moved on to another kid. After a while, she called me because she didn’t understand another question. Out of curiosity, I checked the question that was driving me crazy. She wrote, “North.” She also failed that exam. Between me and another coworker, we managed to prepare her for third grade, but it took too much effort on our part, and she only just managed. We had her tested, but got no relevant result. I still worry about her sometimes.)

Did You Write This With Your Feet?

, , , | Healthy | July 13, 2018

(Recently I discovered I have a mass next to my right knee; this, mixed with constant pain on my back, makes me go to a doctor. She recommends I get x-rays for both knees and back, and gives me a paper with all the indications for the professional in charge. Problem is, I can’t understand the handwriting, but she assures me they will.)

Receptionist: *on the phone* “Welcome to [Clinic]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I need two x-rays for my back and knees, as well as an ultrasound of my right knee.”

Receptionist: “What kind?”

Me: *tries to read indications* “Sorry, I can’t read my doc’s note.”

Receptionist: “Send it to us through [number].”

(I do, and wait ten minutes for the receptionist to return to the phone.)

Receptionist: “According to this, you need one x-ray of your knee, one of your feet, and one ultrasound. Be here at 10:20 am.”

Me: *not really paying attention* “Okay, great. I’ll be there.”

(I go in and pay first. Just then, I notice the x-ray for my back is missing. The receptionist asks for my instructions and shows me it doesn’t mention my back, only knees and feet. At first I let it go… but eventually it bothers me, so I call the doctor.)

Me: “Doc, I’m sorry to bother. Why didn’t you send me to get an x-ray of my back? The instructions only say knees and feet.”

Doctor: “Mmm, send over the instructions through a message, please.”

(I do.)

Doctor: “[My Name], it doesn’t say, ‘of feet,’ it says, ‘Take x-ray of back while on her feet.’”

(Penmanship is important, kids!)

Losing All Ties To This Company

, , , , | Working | February 18, 2018

I’m actually ashamed to say the boss in this story is my father. The story was told to me by an uncle of a friend who used to work for him.

My friend’s uncle had a great-paying job at his company, but got offered a better-paying manager job where my father is the general manager.

My father is the boss from Hell. Many things happened, but what made my friend’s uncle finally quit was when he requested one week of non-paid vacation and travelled outside the country with his family.

Two days from the end of his vacation, my dad sent all the managers urgent emails about an emergency meeting they needed to have that same day after work hours. He insisted it was an emergency, mandatory meeting; every manager had to be there.

My friend’s uncle took the first three-hour flight back home, two days before his vacation ended, and got there just in time for… a long talk about the importance of dressing well for work, with a long speech about using classy and elegant ties.

And, of course, the speech was given by my dad. I was so embarrassed.

You’re All Just Numbers To Them

, , , , | Romantic | January 17, 2018

(I am talking to a guy on [Dating App]. After a good while of talking:)

Guy: “Wow! We have so much in common. You are the perfect woman. Smart, beautiful… May I ask what your height is?”

Me: “Sure. I’m 1m, 53cm tall.”

Guy: Awww. Almost perfect. Oh, well, I usually like taller women, but I can try to overlook your defect.”

(I obviously tell him off and never speak to him again, until, on a different social media platform:)

Guy: “Hi! I saw your pictures and I think we have a lot in common. Can we talk and get to know each other?”

(Is he for real?!)

Extra Nerve-ous

, | Healthy | November 27, 2017

(I’m deadly afraid of dentists, but one day I finally get the courage to go see one for a routine check up. They tell me I need to get my wisdom teeth removed and we set up an appointment.)

Me: “Please be patient.”

Dentist: “This will not hurt at all in a few minutes, after the anaesthetic kicks off.”

(He gives me three injections. A few minutes later he pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “Aaaah!”

Dentist: “Okay, more anaesthetic.”

(He gives me another injection, waits a few more minutes, then pokes me with an instrument.)


Dentist: “Don’t lie; it doesn’t hurt.”

Me: “Please, I swear it does.”

Dentist: “I can’t give you any more anaesthetic. Go home and come back next week. Take a valium.”

(One week and one valium later:)

Dentist: “I gave you all the anaesthetic I can. Stop crying for nothing.”

(In extreme pain, I manage to get to the opening of the area around the tooth, then he begins pulling.)

Me: “No more! Please stop!”

Dentist: “Just a bit more. Let me pull some more. It doesn’t hurt.”

Me: *refusing to open my mouth any more* “No.”

(The dentist even called my mom, and she screamed at me to stop being a wuss. Still, I refused to get anything else and he was forced to close the gap and let me go. He was kind enough to recommend another dentist with access to morphine. Thankfully the new dentist thought that my problem was probably that I had an extra nerve around that area. He gave me a normal anaesthetic where he thought it was and took out the tooth without so much as a peep from me. The lesson is: trust yourself.)