(If a photo is professionally taken, the photographer legally owns the picture, and we need a release form from them to make a copy of it. It doesn’t matter if it is a picture of you, your child, whatever; they still own that picture. A woman came in to try to make copies of a school photo of her granddaughter.)

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s a professional photo. We legally can’t make copies of it.”

Customer: “Why not? It’s my granddaughter!”

Me: “Yes, but the photographer owns the rights to it. You’d have to get a release form from them for us to make a copy.”

Customer: “Fine. What about this one?”

(The customers hands me the exact same picture, except it is in black and white, not color.)

Me: “…No, still can’t. It’s still a professional photo. It doesn’t matter if it’s not color.”

Customer: “Ugh, fine.”

Customer: “I’m picking up laminating.”

Me: “Okay, what name is it under?”

Customer: “[Customer Name].”

(I look in the filing system and don’t see any order forms filed under her name.)

Me: “Is there another name it might be under?”

Customer: “[Customer Name].”

Me: “So there aren’t any orders under either of those names. Is there a different name you might have given us when you dropped it off?”

Customer: “No, you called me.”

Me: “Right, but I don’t see it here, so I was just wondering if you gave us a different name.”

Customer: *slowly and condescendingly* “[Customer Name].”

(I ignore the obvious rude and ignorant tone, and proceed to look through ALL files, to see if it was filed wrong. I don’t see the order form anywhere.)

Me: “And it was laminating?”

Customer: “[Customer Name]!”

Me: “I’m asking you what you had done. You had something laminated?”

Customer: “YOU CALLED ME AND SAID IT WAS READY!”

Me: “I understand that. But I don’t see anything here under that name, so I’m trying to narrow down why I don’t see it. Was it laminating?”

Customer: “[Customer Name]!”

(I then look in all the bins and read all the stickers on them to see if we lost the order form, but the order is still in a bin. Nothing.)

Me: “Did someone else pick it up already, maybe?”

Customer: “You called me today! I don’t understand why this is so hard! It’s just a picture!”

Me: “A laminated picture?” *finally realizing she probably meant plaque mounting* “Was it plaqued?”

Customer: “[Customer Name]!”

Me: “I’m not asking for the name, I’m asking if you had it plaque mounted.”

Customer: “[Customer Name]!”

(I look in the area where we keep the plaque mounted pictures, and sure enough, her order is there.)

Me: “It was plaque mounted, not laminated. That’s why I couldn’t find it. They’re in a different spot.”

Customer: “You called me earlier today.”

(I don’t even try anymore. I get her to sign that it was picked up, and say nothing else to her.)

(I work in small photo lab/copy-and-print service. A middle-aged man approaches my counter:)

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need you to scan this so I can put it in the Internet.” *hands me a paper*

(I was a bit confused and tried not to laugh. The customer had received an e-mail, printed it out, and now needed me to scan it so he could put it on the web!)

Customer: “How much is it to copy something?”

Me: “Is it in color or black and white?”

Customer: “Black and white.”

Me: “It’s eleven cents.”

Customer: “How much is it for two copies?”

Me: “Twenty-two cents.”

Customer: “How much is it for five copies?”

Me: “Fifty-five cents.”

Customer:” How much is it for 10 copies?”

Me: “It’s still going to be eleven cents per copy.”

Customer: “Well, is there a break in the price after so many copies?”

Me: “Yes. After 1001 copies, the price goes down to ten cents a copy.”

Customer: “Oh, no! I just need two copies!”

(A customer calls our copy shop with an order for several large format color copies. The problem is that she absolutely refuses to set foot in the store to submit, pay for, or pick up the order, and she claims that our submission website is not working for her.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, do you have a [Store Name] credit card?”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Perfect! That’s the one type of card I am authorized to take over the phone, so we’ll just have you pay with that. I’ll set up your order from here with the files you emailed, and then give you a call when I’m ready to start the payment process.”

Customer: “Sounds great!”

(I spend two hours and miss my lunch setting up her order with our third-party vendor, which requires me to upload 24 images separately and keep their sizes consistent. Normally I wouldn’t go through the trouble, but the profit on this order was sizeable.)

Me: “Ma’am? We’re ready to start the payment process, all right?”

Customer: “All right, the card number is [number].”

Me: “Okay, the machine is asking for a driver’s license number to verify your identity.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I don’t want to do that. This is a corporate account and I don’t just want to give out my personal information.”

Me: “…I, uh… I don’t really have any other option here, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, well, just cancel the whole order, then! Goodbye!” *click*