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Exotic Pets Are No Longer Cool When You Have To Put In The Work

, , , , , | Right | March 22, 2022

This happened back in the mid-nineties. My sister and I had kept and bred exotic animals like frogs, snakes, and praying mantises for a number of years. At one point, we heard about some guy turning up in a local supermarket with a snake around his neck, claiming it was a very venomous species of snake from Australia.

Less than a week after first hearing this story, I actually saw him in said supermarket. What he had around his neck, I immediately recognised as a North American ribbon snake (Thamnophis sauritus), which was sixty centimetres (about two feet) in total length. I ask him:

Me: “Do you know what species of snake it is?”

Snake Man: “It is a very dangerous Australian snake.”

Me: “It’s a North American species about as dangerous as our own common grass snake – that is, not at all.”

I gave him my phone number and told him that if he had any questions, he could just call me. 

A few days later, he did indeed call. He asked me if I could come and take a look at the snake. As he lived fairly close to me, I went there.

Snake Man: “The snake won’t eat.”

Me: “What are you feeding it?”

Snake Man: “I’ve given it liver pâté, but it won’t eat.”

His reply stunned me. He then invited me in and showed me the snake. He kept it in an ordinary wooden cupboard. There was no heat in the cupboard and no windows, so it was completely dark in there. The snake did have a bowl of water and a bit of liver pâté, and that was that.

I told him that it mostly ate amphibians and small fish, that it needed to be kept in a proper terrarium with heat, a hiding place and preferably some decent lighting producing the right kinds of UV light. I also told him that it would be a good idea to add vitamin powder to its food because it wasn’t exposed to natural sunlight and thus possibly would end up showing signs of vitamin D3 deficiency.

He thought about it for a moment and then asked me if he could just give it to me. I accepted it, and it lived with us for more than six years after that.

Don’t Bring Me Into Your Daddy Issues!

, , , , | Right | March 19, 2022

I’m finishing up drinks and calling them out to customers.

Me: *Reading the name written on the cup* “I’m… I’m not reading that, I—” *huge sigh*

I slam the drink down with the most disappointed voice I can muster.

Me: “Daddy. I have a drink here for Daddy.”

She Probably Thinks A Meal Still Costs A Buck Fifty

, , , | Right | March 10, 2022

I’m a taxi driver. In the autumn of 2020, I picked up an elderly lady. When we got to her destination, the meter read 90 DKK (Danish Kroner) — roughly 15 US dollars at that time. She handed me a 100 DKK note.

Customer: “You also deserve a tip.”

Rather than the Danish word for “tip,” she used a term for a coin (skilling) that went out of circulation on January 1st, 1875. For some time after that, the term was used to designate a small but unspecified amount of money. My grandparents who were both born before 1920 used it occasionally, but I had never heard anyone younger than that use the term.

The lady then held out her hand indicating that she expected the 10 DKK back. She put the 10 DKK coin in her small clutch wallet and then rummaged around a bit and came up with a 2 DKK coin (roughly 33 cents USD). She gave me the 2-DKK coin and looked rather pleased with herself. As I always do when I get a tip, I said:

Me: “Thank you very much.”

And, of course, I gave her a hand getting out of my taxi.

I couldn’t help thinking that she lived very much in the past.

Cancel The Fare And He Might Be A Big Baby About It

, , , , , , | Right | February 10, 2022

One evening, a fare came up on the screen in my taxi. I could see that I was supposed to do some shopping, but that I had to go to the customer’s address first to get the specifics.

When I arrived, I started the meter, went to the door, and rang the doorbell. The door was opened by a man wearing nothing but an adult diaper. He spent the entire thirty seconds I was there with one hand roaming around inside the front of that diaper.

The man told me that he needed a bottle of vodka and a bottle of cola. Somewhat grossed out, I just turned around and went back to my taxi. Then, I called my taxi company and explained why I was unable to complete the fare I had been given and suggested that none of my colleagues would be interested in that particular one, either.

What If I Don’t Have A Beard?

, , , | Working | January 18, 2022

One day, someone called me and started a spiel about some beard-related stuff they wanted to sell over the phone. In Denmark, only four things are allowed to be sold over the phone: newspaper and magazine subscriptions, books, insurance, and subscriptions to health-related transports. This one was none of those things.

Me: “I’m not interested.”

Caller: “But how can you know when I haven’t fully explained our products?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I think we have a bad connection. All I’m hearing is stupid.”

I then hung up. I never heard from them again.