Nine Lives Won’t Be Enough

, , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I am an agricultural student at my high school. When we have our annual plant sale, I always volunteer my time on the weekends to help my teachers, considering no one else likes to do it. This happens one weekend when I am working.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am, can you tell me what plant this is?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is catnip.”

Customer: “Wow, I did not know you guys sold that here.”

Me: “We typically don’t, but we were cleaning and found an old package of seeds and planted them as a joke, but to our surprise, they took off!”

Customer: “How much for one?”

Me: “$1.50 per pot.”

Customer: “Wow, that’s cheap!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we try and keep our prices fairly low.”

Customer: “That’s neat! I’ll take ten!”

Me: *taken aback by the sheer number she is getting and starting to wonder how many cats she must have* “All right, with all the other plants that you are getting here today, your price will be [price].”

Customer: *pays*

Me: “I can bring your stuff out to you if you would like.”

Customer: “Oh, yes, please.”

Me: *loads the plants into her car, and my curiosity has finally gotten the best of me* “If you don’t mind my asking, how many cats do you have?”

Customer: “Oh, just one.”

(The customer leaves and I walk back to my post, apparently looking distraught enough to catch my teacher’s attention.)

Teacher: “You okay?”

Me: “Yes, but a woman just came and bought ten catnip plants for one cat…”

Teacher: “Lord have mercy on that cat… I hope she does not kill it…”

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Outside Food Is Out Of His Mind

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling [Movie Theatre], the best seat in town. This is [My Name] speaking; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Do you have hot dogs?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we do!”

Caller: “Do you have hamburgers?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry.”

Caller: “Will you let me bring a hamburger in?”

Me: “No, sir, we can’t allow outside food or drink in our auditoriums. I’m sorry.”

Caller: “So, if I go to [Burger Joint] and get a hamburger, will you let me bring it in?”

Me: “No, sir, it’s our policy that we can’t allow outside food and drink. I do apologize.”

Caller: “So, if I gave you a hamburger, you wouldn’t let me bring a hamburger into the movie?”

Me: “No, sir, I do apologize; it’s policy.”

Caller: “So, what if I bring a large, two-topping pizza, will you let me in?”

Me: “Um… No, sir, that’s outside food and we don’t allow that.”

Caller: “Even if I give you some?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We can’t allow it; it’s policy.”

Caller: “What if I sneak it under my shirt?”

Me: “I mean, if you sneak it under your shirt and podium doesn’t see you bring it in, I guess you can have it, but if we catch you with it you can’t bring it in.”

Caller: “May I speak to a manager?”

Me: “I am one.”

Caller: “Okay… Who’s your boss?”

Me: *says boss’s name*

Caller: “So, if I bring him a large, two-topping pizza, will you let me bring it into a movie?”

Me: “Sir, no, I’m sorry. We don’t allow anything that’s not bought at our concession stand.”

Caller: “It’s my friend’s birthday today.”

Me: “I understand, but we can’t let you bring it in.”

Caller: *hangs up*

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The Bagging Is Flagging

, , , , , , | Right | May 9, 2018

(I am waiting in a rather short line at the grocery store. There is an elderly woman in front of me, and a mother with her adult daughter in front of her. For a short line, it is taking a good ten minutes for the cashier to finish scanning the items. The customer hasn’t started bagging the items yet; the bagger is on a different lane at the moment. After watching what is going on for several minutes, the elderly woman taps the daughter on the shoulder and asks sweetly:)

Elderly Woman: “Excuse me, sweetie. How old are you?”

Daughter: “I just turned 21!”

Elderly Woman: “Then get off your a** and help your mother.”

(I choke back laughter. The mother is sputtering and ANGRY, but she can’t get the words out, which is so funny to me.)

Cashier: “At least someone said it.”

(The bagger from the other lane comes over, bags the groceries, put them in the cart, and wishes the lady a nice day. The woman and her daughter leave quickly.)

Elderly Woman: *to the cashier* “I’m sorry about that, darling. It irks me when kids these days expect other people to do everything for them.”

Cashier: *to [Elderly Woman]* “It’s okay. I remember their faces.”

Me: *erupts in laughter*

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Like A Dog With An iPhone

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2017

(I’m working as a cashier on a busy Friday when I hear my coworker take a phone call from a guest who is calling about an online order that supposedly should have shown up.)

Coworker: “…yes, ma’am, of course. Let me check real quick. No, it doesn’t look like we’ve received an iPhone 8 for anyone today.”

Me: “The iPhone 8 hasn’t even come out yet, [Coworker]. There’s no way she ordered one.”

(My coworker told her this, and then told me that the lady claimed to have ordered it that morning and that it was definitely an iPhone 8 that was supposed to have magically arrived the day she ordered it. She then called back three times and demanded to speak to a manager, who told her the same thing and hung up.)

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