I work in a small convenience store in a super small town. A customer comes in whom I recognize, and they try to buy some beers. I think they might be underage, but I can’t recall, but it’s not up to me to remember since we ID all alcohol sales. I ask for the ID, and he gives it almost too excitedly. It looks good, except for one teeny-tiny detail.

Me: “What year were you born?”

Customer: “2002!”

Me: “I can’t accept this ID.”

Customer: “Sure, you can!”

Me: “I really don’t think so.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Your ID says you were born in the year 3002.”

Customer: *Snatches the ID back from me* “Whaaat?! That f***er!”

The customer ran out of the store, and I laughed and called his mom. (Super small town, remember?) I later found out from the guy’s mother that her son had spent pretty much all of his eighteenth birthday money on the useless fake ID. She found the whole thing so hilarious that she ended up framing it and putting it up in her living room.

I am checking out a female customer at my cashier’s station.

Customer: “Are you a lesbian?”

Me: “Uh… not that it’s any of your business, but no.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “It’s not something I need to question, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, but you’re giving off such a lesbian vibe! I’m sure you are. You should meet my daughter; she’s a lesbian, and she can show you—”

Me: “That’s $10.99, please, ma’am!”

I am told she came back later after my shift with her daughter and asked: 

Customer: “Where is that checkout girl who doesn’t know she’s a lesbian yet?”

Customer’s Son: “Moooom! Can I have a candy bar?”

Customer: “No, you’ve had too much junk today already!”

The kid looks disappointed but accepts his mother’s command. The mother looks at me.

Customer: “I just don’t want them putting so many chemicals and stuff into their bodies, you know?”

Me: “I completely understand. That’ll be $20.34.”

Customer: “Oh, wait, I needed my smokes and my Red Bull!” 

Related:
Where There’s Smoke…, Part 2
Where There’s Smoke…

A male customer in his early twenties swaggers up to the counter and puts down a pack of XXL condoms.

Customer: *Flashing a grin* “I guess these will do, even though they’re still too small. What do you say to that, eh?”

Me: “That you should probably go see a doctor?”

Seriously, people still think this works? This has NEVER worked!

Our convenience store has been targeted by a religious group for a few months. They’re always leaving their religious literature about the place, but management told us we could tell them to leave once they started sliding their pamphlets in front of the store price signs.

I am checking out a customer.

Me: “That’ll be $8.81, please.”

Customer: “Thank you, and bless you.”

They hand over a ten-dollar bill, but they also hand me a religious pamphlet. Without breaking eye contact, I just place my hand on the pamphlet, slide it across the counter toward myself, and drop it into the trash can that’s clearly visible to the customer.

Customer: “Oh… uh… well—”

Me: “Here is your change; have a nice day.”

Customer: “It’s just… well—”

Me: “Next customer, please!” 

The customer accepted defeat, and walked away with their purchase. We still occasionally find some “surprise Jesus” in the store, but it’s now a lot less frequent!