Hasn’t ‘Laid’ Down The Law

| AB, Canada | Friendly | August 26, 2016

(I’m in a convenience store getting a drink. A small boy, maybe four years old, and his mom are beside me.)

Kid: *loudly* “MOOOOM. What did it mean when you told [Aunt] that you got laid last night?”

Mom: “That wasn’t a conversation for you. I’ll explain when you are older.”

Kid: *starts running around the store telling everyone* “My mom got laid last night. She had orgasms!”

Could Not ‘State’ It Any Clearer

| Rose Lake, ID, USA | Friendly | August 25, 2016

(It is winter. I have newspaper route and while waiting for my papers, I run into a lady trying to get to a resort on the Idaho-Montana state line.)

Me: “Where are you trying to get to?”

Lady: “Lookout Pass.”

Me: “You need to go back eastbound to Montana about 50 miles.”

Lady: “I’m in Montana.”

Me: “No, you are in Rose Lake, Idaho.”

Lady: “No, I haven’t gone that far.”

Me: “Didn’t you see the ‘Welcome to Idaho’ sign? Or the Wallace, or Kellogg city signs?”

Lady: “No, there wasn’t any “Welcome to Idaho” sign and Wallace and Kellogg are in Montana.”

Me: “Do you know where you are now?”

Lady: “Yes, Rose Lake, Montana. Lady, you have no clue where you are nor do you have no clue on how to give directions.”

(At that point I just gave up and just left her.)

Your Money Is Gone In Sixty Seconds

| IA, USA | Right | August 18, 2016

(A customer steps up with some snack food at the checkout counter; I promptly ring it up.)

Me: “That will be [total].”

Customer: “Do you accept EBT?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

(After completing the transaction, the customer then walks out and starts up his Mustang. Since he was at the end of a rush, I turn to my coworker at the other register.)

Me: “How can he even afford that thing if he’s poor enough for food stamps?”

Coworker: “It’s probably BECAUSE he’s on food stamps.”

Time To Kick Some Honey Bun

| Broward County, FL, USA | Romantic | August 13, 2016

(It’s 11 pm and I’m working with a new employee. I’m showing her how to check in the night delivery. The phone rings and she answers it.)

New Employee: “[Convenience Store], how can I help you?”

(She listens to what the person on the other line has to say, then she replies.)

New Employee: “Yes, we have honey buns… Yes, they are fresh… Yes, they are soft… No, sir, I’m not squeezing them!”

(She hangs up the phone immediately.)

Me: “Ugh, what happened?”

New Employee: “He was asking me questions about the honey buns and the conversation started getting gross.”

(The phone rings again. I answer it this time.)

Me: “This is [Convenience Store].”

Caller: “Hi! I’m calling to ask you about your honey buns.”

Me: “Okay…”

Caller: “Are they soft and warm?”

Me: “Soft and prepackaged.”

Caller: “Ooohhhh, sooo soft. Can you open one up and put your fingers in it and lick the honey bun while talking to me? I’ll pay you after for the honey bun with my credit card over the phone.”

(I’m extremely annoyed with this whole thing.)

Me: “Nope. Sure can’t. Stop calling here, freakazoid.”

(I hang up the phone and ten seconds later the phone rings again. I answer it and plan to put an end to this.)

Me: “[City] police dispatch.”

Caller: *in a very serious voice* “Hi, I…” *click*

(The new employee starts laughing.)

Me: “It works every time.”

(He never called again.)

Doesn’t Have Military Intelligence

| Honolulu, HI, USA | Working | August 12, 2016

(It’s later in the night and I decide to run to the nearby convenience store to grab a beer. As I get to the register I wrestle my military ID out of my wallet and hand it to the cashier. She looks at it a moment, then looks at me. I’m a 25 year-old female, only about 5’4″ and although my hair is shorter in the picture, it’s still recognizably me.)

Cashier: “I can’t accept this. It needs to be American government-issued ID.”

(I, as well as the two men behind me, am taken aback.)

Me: “It is government issued. It’s a military ID. My birthdate is on the back.”

(The cashier turns the card over, then hands the card back to me.)

Cashier: “No, it’s military; it needs to be government issued.”

Me: “It IS government issued. Look, UNITED STATES ARMED FORCES.”

(The two men behind me are offended just as much as I am. One of them is an older man; the other is younger, closer to my age. They come up to the counter and pull out their military IDs.)

Other Customer: “I served my country in Desert Storm and my son here just got back from Afghanistan. I don’t know what this young lady has been through but GOD D*** IT, she JUST WANTS A BEER!”

(By this time the shift manager, an older man, has heard the ruckus and has come out from the stockroom.)

Manager: “Is there a problem here?”

Cashier: “This young lady is trying to purchase alcohol with this ‘military issued ID.’ Should I call the cops?” *the cashier rolls her eyes and picks up the phone*

Manager: “No, this is military. It’s valid.” *looks at the cashier bewildered*

Cashier: “No, it’s military, not government issue.”

Manager: “Are you kidding me? Get out of here. Go stock the milkshake machine.”

(The manager shoo’d the cashier away and the three of us made our purchases without another word.)

Manager: “Thank you for your service… I’m so sorry…”

(The manager sighed as we left.)

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