Natural Selection, Hard At Work

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A customer comes with an old toolbox.)

Customer: “Hey, look what I found just outside…”

(The customer opens the metal toolbox filled with mushrooms.)

Customer: “I doubt they’re the kind that make you high.”

Me: “Um, I wouldn’t eat those. I think they’re destroying angel mushrooms, which are deadly poisonous.”

Customer: “If they are, then I’ll probably eat them!” *leaves the store and never returns*

Taste The Rainbow

| Aberdeen, Scotland, UK | Uncategorized

(Quality Street is a brand of chocolates here in the UK. They have launched a range of large size versions of their sweets, such as The Big Green Triangle and The Big Purple One.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but do you guys have big, purple ones?”

(My colleague and I, despite our best efforts, burst into giggles.)

Customer: “What’s so funn…oh!”

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Eggs Are (Not) Yellow

| Far Rockaway, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(Our store makes breakfast sandwiches in the morning. One of them being a simple bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.)

Customer: “Hi, my mom bought a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich just five minutes ago, but she wants a new one because there’s something wrong with the egg.”

Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry about that! What was wrong with it?”

Customer: *holds up the sandwich* “There’s white stuff in it.”

Me: “White stuff? You mean this?” *points at egg whites*

Customer: “Yeah, that’s it.”

Me: “That’s just the white of the eggs. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Customer: “Eggs aren’t white. They’re yellow like the eggs at McDonald’s.”

Me: “McDonald’s eggs are different. We actually take the time to crack open real eggs to make our sandwiches. Sometimes, the white of the egg shows through with the yolk when we scramble them.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid! Eggs don’t have white! They’re all yellow!”

Me: Haven’t you ever made scrambled eggs before? Or hardboiled an egg?”

Customer: “Eggs are yellow!”

(I tell the cook, who shakes his head and remakes the sandwich with the egg mixed as uniformly yellow as he could manage.)

Conveniently Ambiguous

| West Branch, IA, USA | Uncategorized

(The store I work at has an unfortunate name that, although not intended, sounds very “adult”.)

Me: “We go all out at [store]! How may I help you?”

Caller: *sounding concerned* “Yes, hello. I was just looking over my husband’s credit card bill and I saw a charge to [store] from a few months back. I was wondering…what kind of a business are you?”

Me: “We are a convenience store, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh, good, thank you! You have a fantastic day now.”

Man, in the background of the call: “I told you!”

Noon, Not Too Soon

| Albuquerque, NM, USA | Uncategorized

(One of my regulars walks into the store on a Sunday morning.)

Customer: “Sir? Are you selling alcohol today?”

Me: “Yeah, but not until noon.”

(The man stares at me blankly before replying.)

Customer: “So, like one?”

Me: “No, at noon.”

Customer: “So, one then?”

(I am rather confused at this point because I know he hears what I’m saying.)

Me: “No, noon’s before one.”

(He starts getting really upset with me.)

Customer: “What is this ‘noon’? I don’t know what a ‘noon’ is! Where is a ‘noon’ on a clock? Does it say ‘noon’ on your clock? When is that?!”

(I stand there dumbfounded for a few seconds.)

Me: “Twelve, sir.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *leaves store*