Customer: “I want a discount.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Because I have a gun.”

Me: “Is… this a robbery?”

Customer: “What?! No! I wanna pay, but I wanna pay less.”

Me: “Sir, please don’t threaten me with a gun to get a discount. You need to leave right now.”

Customer: “What?! No! I wanna pay! Stop making a big deal out of it!”

Me: “Sir, please leave right now or I will call the police.”

Customer: “No! I wanna pay! Besides, I have the right to bear arms!”

Me: “You do not have the right to threaten me with a gun!”

Customer: “I didn’t ‘threaten you with a gun!’ I just wanted to use my gun to get you to give me a discount.”

Me: “That’s threatening me with a gun!“

Customer: “But I don’t even have a gun! If I did, I would have shown you, and—”

Me: “Sir, please stop talking!”

Suddenly, another voice speaks up from near the door.

Police Officer: “No, please, keep talking! I’ve never heard so many ‘anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law‘ words in a row before!”

The customer was arrested and I was given some time to calm down.

Related:
Gun Control Out Of Control, Part 2
Gun Control Out Of Control

A customer comes in, excited and happy. He slams a lottery ticket on my counter.

Customer: “I’ve won the lottery!”

Shocked, I carefully pick up the ticket and compare it to this week’s winning numbers.

Me: “Sir, you only have one matching number on this ticket.”

Customer: “Yes! I got a number! I won the lottery!”

Me: “That’s not how it works, sir. You have to match all the numbers to win.”

Customer: *Penny drops* “All… the numbers?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “But… that’s almost impossible!”

Me: “Yes, that’s the point!”

What’s even crazier is this guy thinking he could just claim twenty million dollars from my little convenience store because just one of his balls matched!

In the eighties, I worked for a newsagent at a local train station.

One day, a young man came in and asked for a packet of “Free”. The only thing we sold by that name was a brand of cigarettes not made from tobacco — I seem to remember the ingredients included cherry leaves. They came in “ordinary” and “menthol”.

Me: “Do you want the menthol-flavoured ones?”

It took about a fraction of a second for his face to turn crimson and he left the shop rather hurriedly.

Only later did I realize that he had probably wanted to buy condoms, as “Free” was a popular brand of condoms back then. Our condoms were a different brand, and I only thought of the one thing we sold with the name “Free”. I did feel sorry for the poor guy.

I was in a convenience store the other day. It was a busy day, so there was a bit of a line, and behind me was a couple speaking Spanish to each other. My Spanish is not the best, but I understand enough to overhear them being cute and flirty with each other. It kind of made me smile, because “ain’t love grand?”

Then, a woman in her forties got into the line and immediately started looking visibly annoyed. She grunted and sighed audibly, prompting the boyfriend from the Spanish-speaking couple to turn around.

Boyfriend: *In perfect English* “Hey, is everything all right?”

The woman gave him a look that could peel paint from the walls.

Woman: “Oh, I’m fine. I just wish people had better standards for them themselves. You know speaking Spanish in public makes you seem uneducated, right?”

Now, my knee-jerk reaction upon overhearing this was to turn around and tell this lady where she could stick it, but the boyfriend beat me to it!

As soon as she said “uneducated”, the dude’s face inexplicably lit up like a Christmas tree. He smiled at the woman, then immediately turned to his girlfriend and started saying something in French!. The girlfriend responded to him, also in French.

He turned back to the woman.

Boyfriend: “Is that better?”

At this point, I was giggling to myself, because d***, that was GREAT! But it wasn’t over. The woman stares at the guy, mouth agape, completely speechless.

Boyfriend: “No? How about this?”

He turned to his girlfriend and asked her something in what was clearly German!

The girlfriend laughed and responded, also in German. Now, I don’t speak French or German, but really, I didn’t need to. This was comedy GOLD!

I was just bursting out laughing! The woman and the other people in line saw me, so I just turned to the boyfriend and smiled at him.

Me: *To the woman* “D***, he told you!”

I’d paid for my stuff by then, and as I left, I heard the girlfriend ask:

Girlfriend: “So, how many of those languages are you ‘educated’ in?”

I wish I’d stayed around to see the end of the interaction!

I work at a little shop located inside a hospital. We sell cold sandwiches.

Customer: “I’d like this sandwich heated, please.”

Me: “I’m afraid we only sell cold sandwiches.”

Customer: “But… I’m a doctor.”

Me: “Okay? We don’t have any means to heat sandwiches in this shop.”

Customer: *Slightly different tone* “But… I’m a doctor…”

Me: “Be that as it may, we don’t have a microwave or an oven.”

Customer: *Yet another slightly different tone* “But I’m… a doctor.”

Me: “So… just the sandwich, then?”

The customer blankly scans his card on the reader and walks out of the store, looking dazed and confused.

Customer: “But… I’m… a doctor?”