Going Nuts For Candy

| Wilmington, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Holidays

(It is the first of November, during a huge clearance sale on leftover Halloween candy. I finish ringing up a customer’s items and ask if she has any coupons that she’d like to use. Much to my surprise, she presents two: one for candy… one for nuts.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t use this coupon. You haven’t bought any nuts.”

(She looks blankly at me for a moment.)

Customer: “There are nuts in the candy.”

You Must Be Mad(iba)

| UK | Extra Stupid, Politics

(This happens just a few days after Nelson Mandela died last year. Customer has bought two newspapers and is tutting as he handed them over.)

Customer: “What’s that Morgan Freeman done to get all over the front pages this time?”

Today’s Episode Was Brought To You By The Letter ‘S,’ ‘T,’ and ‘D!’

, | Dildo, NL, Canada | Rude & Risque

(Dildo is a real place, I swear. It’s my first week in a new job in the back of a convenience store which houses a DVD rental service at the back but most people just go in to find something “special.” I’m at the counter. I should probably add that a lot of people try and steal the DVDs by putting cheaper ones in. A man walks into the shop and by his overall demeanor I can tell he wants something from the “adult section.” Before coming to the front counter, he waits for everyone to leave, which takes about 30 minutes, and slams an adult film on the counter along with some change.)

Me: “Hello. How’s your trip to [Store] been today?”

Customer: “I don’t care. Just ring me up before anyone sees me.”

Me: “Okay, that will be…” *noticing the case is already a little wet, I put it down and try not to puke*

Customer: “It’s $5, now gimme it.”

Me: “Okay, here you go.”

(Another 30 minutes goes by with no customers, so I decide to lock up. As I close the shutters, the same man runs in with the DVD now held above his head screaming.)

Customer: “WHAT THE F*** DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU F****** IMBECILE!”

(I take a look at the box and see nothing out of order until I open it and find what’s in the box: a copy of “Sesame Street,” not really something that I suppose that guy wanted.)

Me: “Do you want me to change that for you?”

Customer: “Nope, I’m just going to have the real thing now, but remember you gave me gonorrhoea.”

Me: “WHAT?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll have to get a hooker now and they have gonorrhoea so you gave me it!”

(He then proceeded to walk out of the shop screaming “you gave me gonorrhoea!”)

Your Money Is Gone In Sixty Seconds

| IA, USA | Transportation

(A customer steps up with some snack food at the checkout counter; I promptly ring it up.)

Me: “That will be [total].”

Customer: “Do you accept EBT?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

(After completing the transaction, the customer then walks out and starts up his Mustang. Since he was at the end of a rush, I turn to my coworker at the other register.)

Me: “How can he even afford that thing if he’s poor enough for food stamps?”

Coworker: “It’s probably BECAUSE he’s on food stamps.”

Set Their Pulse Racing

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | At The Checkout, Popular, Transportation

(I am the customer here. It’s the weekend of the Indy 500, and I’m driving for Uber. On the night before the race, as I’m driving visitors around the city, I take a quick break to go into a convenience store to get a snack and a drink.)

Cashier: *as she’s bagging my items* “Are you going to see the race tomorrow?”

Me: “No, I’m driving.”

(Cashier stops and looks at me, stunned.)

Me: *realizing what I just said* “For Uber! I’m driving for Uber!”

Cashier: “I was about to grab a pen and paper and ask for an autograph!”

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