They Make A Mockery Of Muggery

| France | Awesome Customers, Criminal & Illegal

(I work the night shift. Two men in their twenties enter the store. They’re wearing saggy pants, and all the works. They look like they’ve been in a fight, as one has a black eye and a split lip, and the other has a swollen cheek and a nosebleed. Immediately they start harassing me, making lewd innuendos, and generally being obnoxious. Another customer walks in and spots them.)

Customer: “You again? How many times am I going to have to beat the tar out of you tonight?”

(Both men turn around, take a good look at the customer, turn pale, and leave without another word.)

Me: “What the f*** just happened?”

Customer: “They tried to mug me about two hours ago.”

Do Not Acid Test God

| East Lansing, MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I work at a 24-hour convenience store on a college campus I attend. A man in his twenties comes in at about 4AM. He’s the only one in the store except me, and one of my co-workers.)

Me: “Hi there! How’re you today?”

Customer: “Not bad.”

(He walks over to one of the three aisles in the store before starting to strip down naked. I’m taken aback, and immediately start to call the police, while my coworker attempts to talk the man down.)

Coworker: “Hey, dude, what are you doing? Put your clothes on!”

Customer: “It’s a glorious day! A righteous day!”

(The man, now fully nude, begins to touch his body to the disgust of both of us. He starts rubbing his front up against the ice-cold freezer door.)

Me: “Sir, I’ve called the police. They’ll be here soon; please put your clothes on.”

(The customer mumbles incoherently as he rests up against the door, touching himself very inappropriately. My coworker manages to talk him into getting into his underwear, as the cops arrive and arrest him.)

Cop #1: “What’s your name, son?”

Customer: “I AM GOD!”

Cop #1: “Yeah, okay, son. Let’s go.”

(The cops lead him out into the freezing air in only his underwear. Later in the day, they come back to explain why he did it.)

Cop #1: “Apparently, he was on four hits of acid, and had just left a house party on campus!”

(The customer came in the next day demanding that we return his iPhone that ‘we clearly stole’. We threw him out of the store.)

Sparked A (Necklace) Chain Reaction

| Robeline, LA, USA | Awesome Customers

(It’s a slow night, so I take out some of my craft supplies. As I’m piecing together an earring, a regular customer walks into the store. I smile as I tuck away my supplies.)

Me: “Hello! How’re you this evening?”

Regular: “Good! What were you doing just now?”

(I pull out the earring.)

Me: “Oh. I was making a pair of earrings to pass the time.”

Regular: “You make earrings?”

Me: “Yeah, I’ve made a few necklaces too.”

(I pull my necklace out of my shirt to show him.)

Regular: “That’s really nice. Hey, I’ve got some beads and stuff that my wife bought. We were going to make jewelry to sell, but we never got around to it. When I get home tonight, I’ll get her to help me dig out some of the beads. I’ll bring them in, or send them with Mom, okay?”

Me: “Okay, thanks!”

(A week later, his mother comes into the store. She hands me a package containing dozens of hand-blown glass beads, along with a note.)

Mother’s Note: “These are just some of the beads. Hope you can use these in your jewelry making. We’re still trying to dig the rest of them out. It may take a few more trips, but we’ll get them all to you.”

(It’s the nice people like that who make my job worthwhile!)

Age Before Lewdy

| UK | Rude & Risque

(A coworker and I are talking about birthdays. A woman, around 70, is in the shop, and decides to add to our conversation in a very unique way.)

Me: “Everyone in my family says I’m really hard to buy for, so I’m pretty much guaranteed to get pyjamas from everyone I know.”

Coworker: “I’m the same. I probably have more pyjamas than actual clothes.”

70-year-old Customer: “Oh, I’m the same, but with night dresses. I prefer them because they’re easier access.” *winks*

Smoking With A Gun

| Chesapeake, VA, USA | Criminal & Illegal

(We usually work in pairs because of the neighborhood, but my coworker is running late. A couple of regulars of mine find out and decide that they’d hang out until he showed up. I’m female. We are chatting when a very obviously inebriated man comes stumbling into the store and up to the counter. He reeks of urine and has a gun in his hand, which he lays on the counter.)

Drunk Customer: “Gimme [brand name cigarettes].”

Me: *trying not to look at his gun* “Long or short?”

Drunk Customer: “Short.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I hand him his cigs, and he fumbles with his wallet, still holding the gun. He tosses me some money, grabs the pack of cigarettes and stumbles out without waiting for his change. I take a deep breath, pick up the phone and dial 911.)

Me: “Um, yeah, there’s a drunk man with a gun wandering around [name of street]. You might want to pick him up.”

(After I hang up, one of my regulars, who’d backed up slowly into the aisles during this exchange, comes up to me.)

Regular: “D***, you’ve got balls of steel!”

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