Be Civil To The Civilians

| USA | Military, Top

(I am a female officer-instructor, in line at the on-base convenience store. I am in my civilian clothes. Behind me are two soldiers in uniform that I recognize as new students in my latest class.)

Soldier #1: “Man, why do they let civs shop here?”

Soldier #2: “I don’t know why they even let civilians on base, you know? Unless they’re clerks or some s***; gotta have someone run the till.”

Cashier: *winks at me* “So, lieutenant, how’s the instructor life treating you?”

Me: “Oh, same old.”

(I look back at the two soldiers with my best ‘I will make you do push-ups until you throw up’ death glare.)

Me: “…some of my new students are going to take a lot of work.”

(Both soldiers turn pale and run out. The clerk laughs so hard she starts wheezing.)

That’s Natch The Way You Say It

| Robeline, LA, USA | Funny Names, Geography, Language & Words, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

Customer: “How do I get to ‘Natchy-toe-chess?'”

Me: “It’s pronounced ‘Nak-a-tesh,’ and it’s a straight shot from here.”

Customer: “Oh, wow. I was way off, wasn’t I?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “What about that ‘Provencial’ place I saw on a sign?”

Me: “It’s ‘Prahv-en-saw.'”

Customer: “Wow. Then I suppose the name of this town isn’t ‘Robe-line?'”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s ‘Ro-buh-lean.'”

Customer: “Next year I’m going on vacation in Texas. None of the places there have such weird names!”

Not As Happy As A Clam

| ME, USA | Awesome Workers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

(My friend and I are at a local market picking up chicken for her graduation party. While we’re waiting to pay, the phone rings and the cashier has to answer.)

Cashier: “Good afternoon… I’m afraid we are sold out of clams right now… well we get a shipment in tomorrow afternoon… tomorrow afternoon… no we are sold out right now… yes we get some tomorrow afternoon… around 1 pm or so… uhm we’ll have them until they’re sold out… no we are sold out right now… why? It’s been very busy with the warm weather.” *sighs* “Tomorrow afternoon… well, I’m really sorry that we don’t have any right now, but we’ve sold out. Okay there’s a seafood store in town, bye.”

(The cashier hangs up and looks annoyed.)

Cashier: “Sorry… just the chicken?”

Friend: *jokingly* “Yes but do you have clams?”

Cashier: “Get out.”

Friend: “But whhhyyy! I want some noooooooowww!”

Cashier: “Well you’re gonna have to wait; sucks to be you!”

Friend: “You wanted to say that to the person on the phone didn’t you?”

Cashier: “You have no idea.”

Beauty Is In The Eyeglasses Of The Beholder

| Robeline, LA, USA | Bizarre, Love/Romance

(A customer approaches the counter with a soda just as I’m wiping my eyeglasses.)

Customer: “No!”

Me: “Sorry? No what?”

Customer: “No! You’ve got to put your glasses back on!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. I’ve got to wear them because I’m nearly blind.”

(I slide my glasses back on.)

Customer: “No, it’s just that you’re much too pretty without them. You’re better off if you keep them on.”

Me: “…What?”

Customer: “Yes, you have to keep them on or the men will be hitting on you in droves! You’ll have to have a stick to beat them off!”

(I hold up my left hand and point to my promise ring.)

Me: “No, this usually stops ’em cold.”

Customer: “NO! The glasses are what stops them!”

Me: “Okay… So, that’ll be $1.77, sir.”

(The customer pays and returns to normal. However, as he walks out the door…)

Customer: “I’M TELLING YOU IT’S THE GLASSES!”

Throwing Around Bags Of Blame

| PA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests

(I am ringing up an older customer—Customer #1—who has always been a bit difficult. I have a line and am trying to get it down as much as possible. The customer forgets her bag, so I put it aside in case she comes back—which she does. By now, I am serving a second customer.)

Customer #1: “Did I leave a bag here?”

Me: “Yeah, I have it right here for you.”

Customer #1: “It’s your fault I left it here!”

Me: “Oh? How is that?”

Customer #1: “You were too busy and didn’t tell me how many bags I had! It’s all your fault! This is horrible customer service! I won’t be back!”

(Fortunately, Customer #2 speaks up in my defense.)

Customer #2: “How exactly is it your fault that she forgot something?”

Me: *sarcastic* “Not sure. It’s obvious she’s never forgotten one before…”

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