Today’s Episode Was Brought To You By The Letter ‘S,’ ‘T,’ and ‘D!’

, | Dildo, NL, Canada | Rude & Risque

(Dildo is a real place, I swear. It’s my first week in a new job in the back of a convenience store which houses a DVD rental service at the back but most people just go in to find something “special.” I’m at the counter. I should probably add that a lot of people try and steal the DVDs by putting cheaper ones in. A man walks into the shop and by his overall demeanor I can tell he wants something from the “adult section.” Before coming to the front counter, he waits for everyone to leave, which takes about 30 minutes, and slams an adult film on the counter along with some change.)

Me: “Hello. How’s your trip to [Store] been today?”

Customer: “I don’t care. Just ring me up before anyone sees me.”

Me: “Okay, that will be…” *noticing the case is already a little wet, I put it down and try not to puke*

Customer: “It’s $5, now gimme it.”

Me: “Okay, here you go.”

(Another 30 minutes goes by with no customers, so I decide to lock up. As I close the shutters, the same man runs in with the DVD now held above his head screaming.)


(I take a look at the box and see nothing out of order until I open it and find what’s in the box: a copy of “Sesame Street,” not really something that I suppose that guy wanted.)

Me: “Do you want me to change that for you?”

Customer: “Nope, I’m just going to have the real thing now, but remember you gave me gonorrhoea.”

Me: “WHAT?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll have to get a hooker now and they have gonorrhoea so you gave me it!”

(He then proceeded to walk out of the shop screaming “you gave me gonorrhoea!”)


Your Money Is Gone In Sixty Seconds

| IA, USA | Transportation

(A customer steps up with some snack food at the checkout counter; I promptly ring it up.)

Me: “That will be [total].”

Customer: “Do you accept EBT?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

(After completing the transaction, the customer then walks out and starts up his Mustang. Since he was at the end of a rush, I turn to my coworker at the other register.)

Me: “How can he even afford that thing if he’s poor enough for food stamps?”

Coworker: “It’s probably BECAUSE he’s on food stamps.”


Set Their Pulse Racing

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | At The Checkout, Popular, Transportation

(I am the customer here. It’s the weekend of the Indy 500, and I’m driving for Uber. On the night before the race, as I’m driving visitors around the city, I take a quick break to go into a convenience store to get a snack and a drink.)

Cashier: *as she’s bagging my items* “Are you going to see the race tomorrow?”

Me: “No, I’m driving.”

(Cashier stops and looks at me, stunned.)

Me: *realizing what I just said* “For Uber! I’m driving for Uber!”

Cashier: “I was about to grab a pen and paper and ask for an autograph!”


Left His Manners In The Last Town

| Richmond, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Popular, Transportation

(I am mopping the store after closing one night when a man starts banging loudly on the door and yanking at the handle. I normally wouldn’t have opened up but I see he’s a truck driver and I am concerned something may be wrong.)

Customer: “Where the h*** is [Random Town], NC?”

Me: “I’m not sure, sir. I can tell you that you are still in VA, and I can let you in to look at a map if it would help.”

Customer: “I have a f***ing map, air head! [Random Town] is not on it! What truck driver doesn’t have a map? Do you know where it is or not?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. I have never heard of it.”

Customer: “You work at a gas station, but you can’t give simple directions. How f****** useless are you?!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but passing a geography test was not a requirement of my employment.”


Smoking Before She Even Gets Cigarettes, Part 2

| WA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests

Customer: “Could I buy cigarettes on my card? I have just enough to pay for them but not enough to pull money from the ATM.”

Me: “Of course, got ID?”

Customer: *hands me ID*

Me: “What kind you need?”

Customer: “[Cheap Brand].”

Me: *grabs cigarette, rings up* “Okay, your total is [close to $8].”

Customer: *hands me her card; it’s an EBT for food stamps*

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t purchase tobacco on these cards.”

Customer: “But you just said I could!”

Me: “I apologize, but that was before I knew it was an EBT card—”

Customer: “The other lady who works here lets me buy them all the time!”

Me: “You’re not allowed to purchase alcohol, tobacco, or any type of lottery on a state issued EBT card.”

(She just continues to argue with me before stomping out of the store. Later in the day she comes back with two other women, staring at me and complaining about how “this b***h wouldn’t sell me the cigarettes!”)

Me: *talking to the other women* “Hi, what can I get you?”

(The second lady throws wad of crumpled ones on counter and demands the same cigarettes brand. The first lady continues complaining to the third lady.)

Me: “Thanks, have a nice day!”

(I turned around to clean something while those three complained all the way out the door.)

Smoking Before She Even Gets Cigarettes

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