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Cork-Screwing With Them

, , , , | Working | April 27, 2017

(This story was told to me about a long time ago by my grandfather. He is working on site with a new guy who is put in charge of moving materials with the heavy equipment. New Guy has been in one spot for a while moving materials from left to right, always doing a full 360 degree turn. The boss notices this, then after a while he turns to my grandfather.)

Boss: “Hey, watch this.” *runs out to the new guy* “HEY! HEY, [New Guy!] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

New Guy: “Wh— Only what you told me to, sir!”

Boss: “No, no, that machine you’re sitting in. Have you been making full turns to move this stuff the whole time?”

New Guy: “Yes.”

Boss: “WHAT?! Don’t you realize that operates on a corkscrew? Turn it the way you’ve been turning it enough and you’ll twist it right off, effectively destroying it!”

New Guy: *nervously* “But nobody told me th—”

Boss: “How many times have you spun this thing?”

New Guy: “I don’t know, maybe thirty?”


New Guy: *almost panicking* “Yes, sir. I’m so sorry! I’m sorry!”

(The boss walks back to my grandfather.)

Grandfather: “Please don’t tell me that you, the boss, think it operates on a corkscrew?”

(The boss looks at the new guy just spinning the equipment again and again and breaks down laughing.)

Grandfather: “You’re such an a**.”

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Afterlife After Hours

| Right | January 12, 2017

(We are working in what used to be an old-fashioned hardware shop, turning it into offices. The front door is open. A member of the public sticks their head round the door…)

Man: “Are you reopening?”

Me: “As offices. Sorry.”

Man: “Where has the old bloke gone?”

Me: “He died. The business closed.”

Man: “Yes, but where did he go?”

Me: “That rather depends on your views on the afterlife.”

Man: “I mean, where is he running his shop now?”

Me: “I’m sorry. He’s dead. The shop is closed.”

Man: “…” *walks off*


| Right | December 20, 2016

(A homeowner has stopped me, the supervisor, to ask about one of my coworkers, who I’ll call Lucille-Anne.)

Homeowner: *trumping* “I keep telling Jessica to put the materials in the other room, but she’s not listening. Can you talk to her?”

Me: “I’m sorry. Who’s Jessica?”

Homeowner: “That woman there.” *pointing at my coworker*

Me: “Her name is not Jessica, and I’ll go tell her for you now.”

Homeowner: “How am I supposed to know her name is not Jessica? I keep calling ‘Jessica’ and she won’t answer me! What’s her name?”

Me: “L.A. or Lucy.”

Homeowner: “Is that the same name?”

Me: “No, but she answers to either. Her name is actually Lucille-Anne but she won’t answer to that. Just call her L.A. or Lucy.”

Homeowner: *happy again* “Okay, I’ll go tell her myself.” *wanders off calling* “Lucica! Lucica!”

Me: *calling after her* “That’s still not her name!”

Creating An Electric Working Environment

| Working | December 2, 2016

(I am a construction inspector. While working on a renovation of a building lit by dim, temporary lighting, I keep seeing flashes of light in another part of the building. Eventually a photographer comes in, taking progress photos.)

Me: *jokingly* “Cut that out! Those flashes are disconcerting!”

Photographer: *smiling back* “Yeah. The electricians hate me”.

Under House Arrest

| Right | November 29, 2016

(I am an engineer who helps design water drainage for when a new house is built. I get a call from a county inspector that our design of the water flow on the new house we are helping build is going towards the neighbor’s house. We did not design it this way as it is supposed to be draining to the street. I drive out to the site to meet with our customer, the county inspector, and the neighbor. The neighbor and our client have been fighting over the building of this house for years. The house that is under construction, almost completed, is a very expensive, multi-million dollar house. It is too high end for the neighborhood as all of the other houses are only in the $200,000 range.)

Neighbor: “All that water from last week’s rain is going into my basement. I should sue you for damages.” *points to me* “I should also sue you for designing it.”

Me: “Sir, please calm down. I need to inspect the area.”

(We designed a one foot-high wall built with concrete to keep the water from flowing into his yard along with a ditch that is supposed to flow into the street. I get to the area. He has not built any ditch but also built a small six inch-high wooden wall. It is way too small for the water area, plus the wood he used is cheap plywood.)

Me: “Excuse me, [Client], why did you build this wall here? I proposed a concrete one.”

Client: “Oh, the house was costing too much to build so I found some wood in the alley to use.”

Neighbor: “So that explains what happened to my floor. You stole my wood you—”

(Right before he can finish, our client punches the neighbor in the face. It turns out the neighbor was rebuilding his bathroom floor and brought the wood to repair his floor. Our client then admits to stealing it and using it to make the water flow into the neighbor’s basement as punishment for stalling his project. The inspector holds down our client while I call the police. As he is being lead away from the police:)

Client: “This isn’t right. All I was trying to do was build a house!”