Polymorphic Pleasantries

| Adelaide, Australia | Uncategorized

(I am calling a Housing Trust tenant to arrange a new time for us to re-glaze her shower screen. The maintenance centre has just called to say this particular elderly lady has several doctor’s appointments. These conflict with her original appointment time.)

Me: “Hello. This is [name] from [glazing business]. How are you?”

Tenant: *chirpily* “Oh, terrible. It’s this blasted weather, you know.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Tenant: “That’s alright, love. How are you anyway?”

Me: “Alright, thank you. I agree with you about the weather, though. Anyway, I was just calling about–”

Tenant: “Oh, yes. I am all dizzy, and my head hurts. And it doesn’t help that I’m allergic to the sun.”

Me: “That must be very frustrating. I just spoke to–”

Tenant: “And I’m polymorphic! If I go outside and change form, they’ll get me!”

Me: “That’s not a good situation to be in at all. Anyway, I understand you’ll be going into hospital on Tuesday morning. We need to change your appointment time. Is–”

Tenant: “I hope I win the $20mil in the lottery this weekend. Then I can move to Tasmania. Oh, the weather in Tasmania! I hear it’s beautiful and cool over there. Not like here!”

Me: “Yes, I’ve heard that too.”

Tenant: “Oh, you’ve been there? What’s it like?”

Me: “No, but I do have it on good authority that it is definitely cold.”

Tenant: “Oh, good. I hate being in this pension house. If I win this weekend, I will move to Tasmania and get rid of the pension. They can’t get me there, because it’s over the strait.”

Me: “It would be wonderful if you did win. Can we come Tuesday afternoon to fix your shower screen?”

Tenant: “Hang on darling, I’m blind.” *papers shuffle* “Sure, love. I’ll be home from the hospital by then.”

Me: “Fantastic. It was lovely talking to you!”

Tenant: “And to you, dear! When I win this weekend, you can have a share.”

Me: “That’s very kind of you. Have a lovely weekend!”

Tenant: “You too, dear.” *hangs up*

Feel The Burn, Pay For The Lawsuits

| Houston, TX, USA | Uncategorized

(I work for a construction company that often works on residential streets. As we were working on one road, a woman stepped under the caution tape and proceeded to walk through the construction zone.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’ll have to go around this area. I could give you an alternate–”

Woman: “NO!”

Me: “Uh, I’m afraid you have to. It’s against the law to go into construction zones.”

Woman: “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M GETTING MY F***ING EXERCISE?!”

Me: “…”

It’s Okay, She Has A Thick Head

| USA | Top

(While installing a street light pole)

Lady: “Is this going to take long?”

Me: “Ma’am, I need to you step back.”

Lady: “But is this going to take long? I need to get to my car.”

Me: “Ma’am… I need to you step back.”

Lady: “Is there someone else I can talk to?”

Me: “Ma’am… you have a 1 ton concrete pole directly over your head. If it drops, you are going to die. I need you to please step back.”

Lady: “Ok… but can I get to my car?”

Me: (I yell to my job foreman) “…Hillbilly!”

Hillbilly: “GET THE F*** OUT!”

Lady: “I never met anyone so rude.”

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