(I am a construction inspector. While working on a renovation of a building lit by dim, temporary lighting, I keep seeing flashes of light in another part of the building. Eventually a photographer comes in, taking progress photos.)

Me: *jokingly* “Cut that out! Those flashes are disconcerting!”

Photographer: *smiling back* “Yeah. The electricians hate me”.

(I am an engineer who helps design water drainage for when a new house is built. I get a call from a county inspector that our design of the water flow on the new house we are helping build is going towards the neighbor’s house. We did not design it this way as it is supposed to be draining to the street. I drive out to the site to meet with our customer, the county inspector, and the neighbor. The neighbor and our client have been fighting over the building of this house for years. The house that is under construction, almost completed, is a very expensive, multi-million dollar house. It is too high end for the neighborhood as all of the other houses are only in the $200,000 range.)

Neighbor: “All that water from last week’s rain is going into my basement. I should sue you for damages.” *points to me* “I should also sue you for designing it.”

Me: “Sir, please calm down. I need to inspect the area.”

(We designed a one foot-high wall built with concrete to keep the water from flowing into his yard along with a ditch that is supposed to flow into the street. I get to the area. He has not built any ditch but also built a small six inch-high wooden wall. It is way too small for the water area, plus the wood he used is cheap plywood.)

Me: “Excuse me, [Client], why did you build this wall here? I proposed a concrete one.”

Client: “Oh, the house was costing too much to build so I found some wood in the alley to use.”

Neighbor: “So that explains what happened to my floor. You stole my wood you—”

(Right before he can finish, our client punches the neighbor in the face. It turns out the neighbor was rebuilding his bathroom floor and brought the wood to repair his floor. Our client then admits to stealing it and using it to make the water flow into the neighbor’s basement as punishment for stalling his project. The inspector holds down our client while I call the police. As he is being lead away from the police:)

Client: “This isn’t right. All I was trying to do was build a house!”

(We have decided to buy a new house. We have been waiting for months for the building to finish and have been driving around the area every couple of weeks to see how it is getting on. I notice things are nearing completion but notice something very worrying. I call the building helpline.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name]. I’m in the process of buying a plot in [Area].”

Site Manager: “Yes?”

Me: “I’ve noticed some very concerning damage to the property, I’m not an expert but I would reckon that if this is not fixed now I will be stuck with it.”

Site Manager: “What damage? The houses aren’t even finished yet!”

Me: “The porch is cracked and the render has massive chunks taken out of it. It looks awful. I would like to know that they will be repaired before exchange.”

Site Manager: “I don’t know what you are talking about; I will speak with one of the people on site.”

(He doesn’t get back to me for a week, I have to call again.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. I’m calling about [Site] and some damage.”

Site Manager: Yeah, I got one of the guys to go down there. They will repair the damage. Frankly, you shouldn’t be calling me.”

Me: “The property had some serious damage. We are going to move in soon.”

Site Manager: *aggressively* “If you brought a new car with a few stone chips you wouldn’t call the manufacture, would you?”

Me: “If I spent £170,000 on a new car, I would, yes! I will be checking the property this weekend; if the damage isn’t fixed to a decent standard I will be contacting you again and the NHBC.” *a building organization*

Site Manager: *suddenly much calmer* “Look, I told you they would be done and they will.”

(The damage was never properly repaired and took two years of chasing to get done, but not before the porch fell completely off due to the bad repair.)

(My son works for a local roofing company. There are several in our town, one of which (we’ll call it Worthington Roofing), is known for taking much longer to finish jobs than they should.)

Foreman: “Well, guys. We should be able to finish this job by noon, and then I’m afraid you’ll be off until we start that other roof next week.”

Coworker: “Oh, d***. We should at least be able to make this job last for the rest of the day.”

Son: “There’s no way we could drag this out for more than a couple of hours.”

Coworker: “Not even if we ‘Worthington’ it?”

(I am a contracted builder, and have had several lucrative Imperial contracts over the years. I finally get back to the office after working for a few years on a super-big contract. My secretary calls me over.)

Secretary: “The Empire is withholding the final payment.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Secretary: “Regarding the last contract you just finished. Something to do with patching up a two-meter hole?”

Me: “Oh, that. Yeah, I just spent the last few years helping construct hundreds of kilometers of classified Empire battle-station and I got to the last two meters and thought it wouldn’t make much difference. Seriously, who is going to notice a little two-meter hole?”

Secretary: “Well, they’re withholding payment because of it; what would you like me to do?”

Me: “Meh, don’t worry about it. The last payment isn’t that much and I doubt the hole will affect anything.”

Secretary: “Are you sure? They said they would make an example of you.”

Me: “Tell you what. I’m going on vacation to Alderaan next week and I don’t want to deal with this right now. Tell them that and that I’ll be in touch when I get back.”

Secretary: “All right, it’s your funeral…”