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Comes Pre-Damaged

| Working | September 16, 2016

(We have decided to buy a new house. We have been waiting for months for the building to finish and have been driving around the area every couple of weeks to see how it is getting on. I notice things are nearing completion but notice something very worrying. I call the building helpline.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name]. I’m in the process of buying a plot in [Area].”

Site Manager: “Yes?”

Me: “I’ve noticed some very concerning damage to the property, I’m not an expert but I would reckon that if this is not fixed now I will be stuck with it.”

Site Manager: “What damage? The houses aren’t even finished yet!”

Me: “The porch is cracked and the render has massive chunks taken out of it. It looks awful. I would like to know that they will be repaired before exchange.”

Site Manager: “I don’t know what you are talking about; I will speak with one of the people on site.”

(He doesn’t get back to me for a week, I have to call again.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. I’m calling about [Site] and some damage.”

Site Manager: Yeah, I got one of the guys to go down there. They will repair the damage. Frankly, you shouldn’t be calling me.”

Me: “The property had some serious damage. We are going to move in soon.”

Site Manager: *aggressively* “If you brought a new car with a few stone chips you wouldn’t call the manufacture, would you?”

Me: “If I spent £170,000 on a new car, I would, yes! I will be checking the property this weekend; if the damage isn’t fixed to a decent standard I will be contacting you again and the NHBC.” *a building organization*

Site Manager: *suddenly much calmer* “Look, I told you they would be done and they will.”

(The damage was never properly repaired and took two years of chasing to get done, but not before the porch fell completely off due to the bad repair.)

Hit The Roof Of Efficient Inefficiency

| Working | July 13, 2016

(My son works for a local roofing company. There are several in our town, one of which (we’ll call it Worthington Roofing), is known for taking much longer to finish jobs than they should.)

Foreman: “Well, guys. We should be able to finish this job by noon, and then I’m afraid you’ll be off until we start that other roof next week.”

Coworker: “Oh, d***. We should at least be able to make this job last for the rest of the day.”

Son: “There’s no way we could drag this out for more than a couple of hours.”

Coworker: “Not even if we ‘Worthington’ it?”

Putting Out A Contract For You

| Working | April 1, 2016

(I am a contracted builder, and have had several lucrative Imperial contracts over the years. I finally get back to the office after working for a few years on a super-big contract. My secretary calls me over.)

Secretary: “The Empire is withholding the final payment.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Secretary: “Regarding the last contract you just finished. Something to do with patching up a two-meter hole?”

Me: “Oh, that. Yeah, I just spent the last few years helping construct hundreds of kilometers of classified Empire battle-station and I got to the last two meters and thought it wouldn’t make much difference. Seriously, who is going to notice a little two-meter hole?”

Secretary: “Well, they’re withholding payment because of it; what would you like me to do?”

Me: “Meh, don’t worry about it. The last payment isn’t that much and I doubt the hole will affect anything.”

Secretary: “Are you sure? They said they would make an example of you.”

Me: “Tell you what. I’m going on vacation to Alderaan next week and I don’t want to deal with this right now. Tell them that and that I’ll be in touch when I get back.”

Secretary: “All right, it’s your funeral…”

No Need To ‘Air’ Your Concerns

| Right | January 10, 2016

(I’m the dumb customer in this story. I am an administrative assistant, and a good portion of my job involves searching for and booking flights for our managers. One of our managers was traveling when his connecting flight was cancelled, so I was told to call [Airline] and see about rebooking his flight.)

Me: *explains cancelled flight situation*

Airline Employee: “We can get him on this [Other Airline] flight leaving tomorrow morning.”

Me: “But I’m looking online now and there’s a [Airline] flight leaving at 6:00 am, can we get him on that one?”

Airline Employee: “… Ma’am, that’s the one that was cancelled.”

Me: “Oh. Let’s book him on the [Other Airline] one, then.”

Airline Employee: “Yeah, we already went ahead and did that. We try to be proactive when this happens.”

Me: “Oh. … I guess I just called to say hello.”

A Complete Walls-Up

| Related | June 18, 2015

(My niece, who is four years old, and our family are looking inside my sister’s house that is currently being built. My niece has been instructed that if she wants to come inside she isn’t to touch anything, especially the batting inside the walls as it is made of fiberglass and quite itchy. After the walls had been put up she was happy.)

Niece: “Yay! The pink stuff is gone! I can touch things again!”

(Noticing that the cornice hadn’t been put up yet and batting was coming out of the roof.)

Niece: “Aunty! They didn’t build it right! Your walls aren’t big enough!”