(I live under a dentist’s office and in the same complex as several other doctor’s offices and medical buildings. I am sleeping, only to be woken up to the sounds of someone try to open, then pounding on my door. Standing there is an elderly man, who tells me he is looking for [Doctor]’s office.)

Me: *as politely as someone who’s been woken up from a deep sleep can be* “I’m sorry, sir, this is actually an apartment. Maybe your doctor is in the front of the building?”

(Instead of just leaving he becomes irate.)

Elderly Man: “You just want to go home early, don’t you? That’s why you won’t see me!”

(He tries to force his way into my apartment, getting the door wide enough to look inside.)

Elderly Man: “You need take more pride in your waiting area and make it look more professional. This looks like some crappy apartment!”

(After going back and forth with him I finally slam the door on him and tell him firmly:)

Me: “I am not a receptionist! You’re trying to force your way into my home and if you do not leave now I’ll be calling the cops.”

Elderly Man: *yelling* “I’ll make sure you’re fired for this! [Doctor] would never let such lazy trash run his office!”

(And with a kick to my door he disappeared to bother someone else.)

(It’s New Year’s Eve and my dad and I are watching the ball drop in New York.)

Me: “It’s fun to watch, but I don’t think I could stand to be there, crammed in like sardines.”

Dad: “Yeah, plus it’s just kinda dangerous, you know?”

Me: “Yeah. I guess large gatherings lately have attracted a few terrori—”

Dad: “I mean, what if giant robots attack!?”

Me: “…your first thought was giant robots?”

Dad: “No, my first thought was aliens, but giant robots would be cooler!”

(It is Thanksgiving night and our store has been open for about four hours already. It’s been very busy and we have a much larger than normal team to oversee. A woman has approached my coworker, asking about a certain item.)

Coworker: “Well, I’m not sure. Let me find someone to ask.”

(He calls on his walkie for that section and gets no response. I happen to be walking by when he stops me and asks if I know.)

Me: “Sorry, I really don’t know at all. Who’s here right now?”

(The guest meanders off a few feet looking at another display. We look at the schedule trying to find who is here and not on break since we all came in around the same time and by law need a 30-minute non-paid break.)

Customer: “I just don’t understand what is taking so long. Why is it so d*** hard to find someone? Why can’t anyone just get this item for me?”

(As this goes on my coworker is trying to get someone to answer on the walkie.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we can’t leave the front end because of how busy we are. If you can give me just a moment, please. I need to check the schedule before I can call someone. We’re just trying to find out who is here and not on break right now.”

Customer: “Well, why would they be on break?”

Me: “We all came in around the same time to open the store tonight and we have to stagger our breaks, so I just need a moment to find out who is on the floor right now.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why the h*** anyone would be on break! They’re here to work! Not to take a break! They need to get back to work! This is bad business!”

Me: “Do you take a break at work?”

Customer: *scoffs* “Well, of course, I do!”

Me: “Then wouldn’t you think we should get a break, too?”

Customer: “No! Not tonight! This is different! Why is no one able to help me?!”

(By some miracle, God smiles down on me and someone from a nearby section answers on the walkie and says to send the guest down.)

Customer: “Finally! This shouldn’t have taken so f****** long! I’ll be calling corporate!”

Me: “You do that. Happy Thanksgiving!”

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(I’m very into fantasy/sci-fi movies and books.)

Mom: “Have you seen the movie Pan’s Labyrinth?”

Me: “Yes, why?”

Mom: “[Family Friend] wanted to know if it would be good to show her kids.”

Me: “Um, no, not at all.”

Mom: “Why not? It’s kind of like Harry Potter, right?”

Me: “Well… it takes place in post-civil war times in Spain, shows a graphic partial miscarriage, contains a terrifying monster that bites off the heads of fairies, and a little girl gets shot and killed on camera.”

Mom: “…”

Me: “Plus, it’s entirely in Spanish.”

Mom: *pause* “Right, I’ll tell her not to show it to them.”

This story is part of our Spain-themed roundup!

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(I’m a sales associate at a popular clothing store. I’m in the middle of an eight-hour shift on Black Friday when a customer calls on the phone. The customer speaks in a very confused tone the entire time.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Store]! This is [My Name] speaking; what’s on your wish list?”

Customer: “Hi. So you guys are having a sale, right?”

Me: “Yep! Everything is 40% off today!”

Customer: “Okay. So is that 40% off our entire purchase, or 40% off each individual item or our purchase?”

(Thinking I must have heard her incorrectly, I just repeat myself)

Me: “Right, everything in the store is 40% off today.”

Customer: “Okay. Well, whoever rang me up today clearly did it wrong. They rang my entire purchase as 40% off, instead of each item separately as 40% off.”

Me: “Well, that adds up to the same thing.”

Customer: “Wait, really?”

Me: “Yes, 40% off the entire purchase is the same thing as 40% off of each thing in the purchase.”

Customer: “Oh… thanks.”

(The customer hangs up. My coworker is staring at me.)

Coworker: “Please tell me that did not just happen.”

This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!

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