(My mom works at a party store, and usually has some sort of story to tell when she gets home from work. This particular instance occurred during graduation season. A woman from a private middle school in the area called in an order of white and burgundy balloons to be picked up the next day, but when her order was brought out to her…)

Woman: *gasps in horror* “That’s not burgundy!”

Mom: “Yes, it is.”

Woman: “No, it’s not! Those balloons are red!”

Mom: *grabs a nearby red balloon* “No, ma’am, this is red. I can assure you those are burgundy.”

Woman: *distraught* “Oh, I’ve got to call someone about this.”

(She proceeds to pull out her cell phone while still in line at the balloon counter and call someone, saying things like “I don’t know; the woman says they’re burgundy, but they look too red!” and “They just look red to me! It’ll be a disaster!” Whoever she called eventually convinced her to pay for the balloons and go, after about five minutes, and as she walks away with them, my mom hears her say:)

Woman: “Well… maybe they don’t look as bad as I thought after all.”

(My mom and the other balloon counter clerk just glanced at each other, sighed, and continued working.)

(It’s two days before Christmas and it’s very busy. I work at an outdoors store and I’m checking out a very long line of people. Out of nowhere a woman storms past people in line and comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me! I need to be helped!”

Me: “Okay, if you’ll wait for me to check these people out I’ll be happy to help you.”

Customer: “No, I need help now!”

(A coworker of mine comes to take the registers so I can help the woman.)

Me: “Okay, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I’m looking for women’s socks but you only have men’s!”

Me: “Okay, the women’s socks are right here on this stand.”

Woman: “I said WOMEN’S. Are you deaf? These are men’s!”

Me: “No, ma’am, these are the women’s socks.”

Customer: “God, are you even listening? WOMEN’S! See? The tag says ‘M’ as in ‘men.’ I need WOMEN’S!”

Me: “That means medium.”

(She left pretty quickly after that!)

(Due to living through some really messed up stuff, I have an incredibly high pain tolerance, and avoid asking for help if it’s something I can do myself. Combine that with the fact that I am a massive klutz, and you get someone that consistently injures themselves (frequently at work), fixes it as best they can, and just shrugs it off as nothing. I have once again managed to hurt myself, resulting in about a two-inch long gash on my forearm. It’s not too deep, but it needs stitches. I can and have stitched myself up from similar injuries in the past, using sewing needles and fishing line. I am in the middle of doing this, when a coworker I will refer to as “Work Mom” walks into my office.)

Work Mom: “Hey, [My Name], my computer is having iss— WHAT THE H*** ARE YOU DOING?!”

(I do not stop stitching as I speak with her.)

Me: “Oh, I just got a little cut, and am sewing myself back up. I’ll be right as rain in a minute. So what’s going on with your computer?”

Work Mom: “No. No, no, no. How are you not screaming? You are coming with me to the walk-in right now!”

Me: *stops stitching* “I really don’t think that’s necessary. I’ve done this before, and I’ll be fine.”

Work Mom: “I’m calling medical, then you are going to the doctor. You do not have a choice in this, you crazy b****!”

(I give up, as arguing at this point is futile. I walk down the hall to medical, and sit in a chair after speaking to the onsite medical person. As Work Mom’s back is turned, I finish stitching up the cut, and cut the needle free. Work Mom gets permission to take me knowing I won’t go by myself, and we go to the walk-in clinic. We wait for a bit, and get called into a room. The doctor walks in about 10 minutes later.)

Doctor: “So, what’re you here for today?”

Me: “I think it’s a bit of an overrea—”

Work Mom: “This crazy person got a cut, and decided that it would be easiest to stitch it up herself!”

Doctor: “…what? You’re kidding me.”

Me: “No. I’ve done this before, and had no trouble.” *I hold out my arm for the doctor to inspect*

Doctor: “Jesus, woman! Didn’t that hurt?”

Me: “Eh.”

Doctor: “I’ll have to remove this… What did you use?”

Me: “Fishing line.”

Doctor: *mutters something under his breath* “I’ll get the proper tools for this.”

Me: *knowing I will never get another chance to ask this* “So, how’s my stitching?”

Doctor: “What? Did you just really ask me that?”

Me: “Yeah, come on. I’m curious.” *I have a massive s***-eating grin on my face at this point*

Doctor: *mumbles something*

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t catch that?”

Doctor: *exasperated* “You’re stitching is fine, but seriously, don’t do this again!”

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Fast Food Place]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Can I please have the ten-piece chicken nuggets?”

Me: “All right, anything else?”

Customer: “Wait, how many— Oh, s***.”

Me: “Miss, are you all right?”

Customer: “I’m fine! I just realized I was about to ask how many nuggets were in the ten-piece!”

(At the start of the day, each class has what we call “circle;” the students sit in a circle on the floor and we go around one by one and the students explain how they’re feeling that day and why. It’s part of socio-emotional learning for kids to work on identifying their emotions and communicating their feelings. This is a fifth grade class and I’ve given the students fake names for ease of understanding.)

Me: “All right. [Student #1], on a scale of zero to five, how are you today?”

Student #1: “I’m a ten!”

Me: Oh, wow! What’s so excellent in your world today?

Student #1: “I’m really happy. I have a new niece! My sister just had a baby.”

Me: “Awesome! What’s her name?”

Student #1: “Her name is Athena.”

Me: “What a beautiful name!” *I tell him a little about the Greek goddess Athena* “Thank you so much for sharing, [Student #1]. [Student #2], how are you today, zero to five?”

Student #2: “Can I also be a ten?”

Me: “If that’s how awesome you are, sure! Why are you a ten?”

Student #2: “My cousin just had a baby.”

(It isn’t at all uncommon for one student to say something nice that happened and another student to say the same thing happened — whether or not it did — just to connect or get equal attention. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt though.)

Me: “Wonderful! Lots of Christmas babies! Is it a boy or girl?”

Student #2: “Girl.”

Me: “Another girl! Do you know her name, yet?”

Student #2: “No. They haven’t told us. But we see her tonight when she goes home.”

Student #1: “My niece comes home today, too!”

Student #2: “Is that why I saw you at the hospital the other day?”

Student #1: “Yeah, we had just seen my niece!”

Student #2: “We were going to meet my cousin!”

Me: *I wonder why [Student #2] didn’t find out the baby’s name then, but I have a more pressing question* “[Student #2]… is it at all possible that your cousin is [Student #1]’s sister?”

Student #2: “No. [Student #1] is my cousin, though.”

Me: “If [Student #1]’s your cousin, isn’t [Student #1]’s sister also your cousin?”

Student #2: “Maybe?”

Student #1: “Yeah, she is!”

Me: “[Student #2]… I think you and [Student #1] are talking about the same baby.”

Student #2: *his eyes light up as he realizes this* “YEAH! Hey!” *turns to [Student #1]* “Your sister’s baby is my new baby cousin!”