As You Wish…

, , , , , | Friendly | July 30, 2018

(My friend, her husband, and I get together to watch a movie. They share their apartment with another mutual friend who looks like he could be in biker gang and tends to frown upon “cutesy” things.)

Tough Guy Friend: “What are you guys watching?”

Me:The Princess Bride; it’s a classic!”

Tough Guy Friend: *scoffs*Princess Bride? Sounds like a chick flick.”

(We start the movie and [Tough Guy Friend] hangs around in the same room playing a video game. “The Princess Bride” begins with a frame narrative of an older man reading a book, also titled “The Princess Bride,” to his skeptical grandchild.)

Grandchild: *in film* “Is this a kissing book?”

Tough Guy Friend: “I like that kid!”

(As the film goes on, our friend becomes less and less focused on his game. By the climactic rescue mission he is on the couch with us, fully invested in the movie, precisely mirroring the growing interest of the grandson in his grandfather’s story.)

Tough Guy Friend: “Ugh, this is so sweet I think it gave me diabetes.”

Me: “But you like the story? You’d watch it again?”

Tough Guy Friend: *pause* “Maybe.”

Grandchild: *in film* “Grandpa, maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow?”

Other Friend: “[Tough Guy Friend], you don’t just like that kid; you are that kid!”

Peppered With Risk

, , , , , , | Right | July 26, 2018

(I’m a cook at a popular casual dining restaurant known for its baby back ribs. A waitress rings up a ticket with big red “ALLERGY! SPEAK TO SERVER!” notes on it. Allergy notes typically go to me before anyone else because I have almost all of the ingredients in the kitchen memorized.)

Waitress: “Uh, the woman at table 33 has an allergy to peppers.”

Me: “Table 33 with the spicy shrimp taco? That dish is literally nothing but peppers.”

Waitress: “Is there any way you can make it without peppers?”

Me: “Honestly? No. Try talking to the table again; suggest the [other shrimp taco]. Or, I can make a custom taco no problem, but there’s no way she can have it like it appears on the menu. If she’s really allergic, that’s one thing, but if she’s just worried about it being too spicy, I can easily tone it down.”

(The server returns after speaking with the table.)

Waitress: “She says she’s allergic to all peppers. Like, green peppers, red peppers, chili peppers, jalapeño peppers, black pepper—”

Me: “Ah, geez.”

Waitress: “—and she still wants the spicy shrimp taco.”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do, but ask if she wants a different side dish. The beans are seasoned with pepper. And the rice has black pepper in the seasoned salt we use. Try suggesting some substitutions for the toppings on that taco, because I can’t put any of the current toppings on it.”

Waitress: “I already tried. I suggested, like, cheese, or lettuce, or tomatoes, but she said no. And she was insistent that she’ll have anaphylaxis if it’s made wrong. She started waving an Epi-pen at me. [Manager] is coming back to the kitchen to make the taco. She doesn’t want any substitutions; just make it without peppers.”

Me: “F***.”

Manager: “Okay, the shrimp is ready from the grill. Hey, there’s no seasoning on it; these are plain!”

Me: “Yeah, they are allergic to pepper, so I can’t use the cayenne on it.”

Manager: “Okay, next is the chili lime sauce—”

Me: “Nope.”

Manager: “…okay, then I’ve got the taco slaw—”

Me: “Nope. It’s made with chopped jalapeños.”

Manager: “F***. Okay, the pico—”

Me: “Green and jalapeño peppers, and seasoned salt.”

Manager: “And the garnish drizzle—”

Me: “Just checked. White pepper.”

Manager: “So, that leaves…”

Me: “Plain, flavorless shrimp on a plain, unseasoned tortilla, with a slice of avocado garnish.”

Manager: “Did they want lettuce or plain tomatoes, instead?”

Me: “[Waitress] said no.”

Manager: “Sides are rice—”

Me: “Seasoned salt.”

Manager: “—and beans—”

Me: “Salsa, peppers, and seasoned salt.”

Manager: “Well, I give up. Send it out.”

(The server takes the sad-looking plate out to the table, and returns five minutes later.)

Waitress: “She said she wants pico and chili lime sauce on the side because the tacos are bland.”

Me: “So, now she suddenly doesn’t care about her allergy?”

Waitress: “I tried. She insisted. I reminded her. She’s pissed off because it looks nothing like the photo in the menu.”

Manager: “Somebody’s living on the edge today.”

Me: “Okay. Fine. Pico and chili lime. What side dish did she want instead of the rice and beans?”

Waitress: “…”

Me: “Well?”

Waitress: “She picked southwest mac and cheese.”

Me: “THAT. HAS. JALAPEÑOS!”

Waitress: “I KNOW. I TOLD HER.”

(Apparently we haven’t killed her yet, because she returns at least once a month to flirt with death. She orders the same thing every time.)

Reunion Confusion

, , , , , , , | Related | July 24, 2018

My family had a reunion back in the days before cars came with GPS and before cell phones were common. My aunt went out as far through the family tree as she could, with instructions to forward the information and invitation to anyone that she may have missed, so we had over a hundred people at the event.

Because not everyone had been to my aunt’s house before, and no one had GPS in their cars, she and her husband put massive signs reading “[Family Name] Family Reunion” with arrows throughout her town, from pretty much as soon as you get off the highway.

My great-uncle is obsessed with the family tree, and tried to sit down with everyone to get as much information as he could from each person, so he could work on completing it. He’d been sitting with one man for nearly twenty minutes, before suddenly bursting out laughing. The man and his son came to the wrong family reunion.

Apparently, they had been on their way to a family reunion for the son’s deceased mother’s side of the family. The last name was phonetically similar to our family’s — although spelled slightly differently — and the man hadn’t been close with his wife’s family, so he didn’t realize that the reason he didn’t recognize anyone was because there was no one there to recognize.

The man was very embarrassed about the mistake, but he and his son were so friendly that we invited them to stay the rest of the day, as well. They couldn’t, since they wanted to keep going to their proper reunion, but we’ve kept in touch with them to this day, and still call them honorary family members.

Tells Dad Jokes Religiously

, , , , , , | Healthy | July 2, 2018

(My dad is chronically unserious, even when he really ought not to be. He and my mother are in the intake of an ER, as he’s managed to injure himself somehow, and a nurse is doing the standard intake questions.)

Nurse: “Religion?”

Dad: “Orthodox Agnostic!”

(The nurse starts to write it down, then pauses and just looks confused.)

Mom: *exasperatedly* “None.”

Unfiltered Story #115276

, | Unfiltered | June 29, 2018

I work at a small local grocery store and know a lot of people who come in. I’ve been working for a couple hours when a woman I’ve seen come in a couple of times comes in with a coupon for gas points, a deal our store has with a local gas station for lower gas prices. The coupon is for if the customer spends $75 or more. This is the end of the transaction after the customer has given me here membership card.

Me: Your total comes to $68.14.

Customer 1: Okay. Here is my coupon.

Me: Ma’am, this coupon is if you spend $75 or more. It will not work.

Customer 1: Just type it in. You have old systems here, it will work.

Me: Even if it did work, I can’t put it in because the coupon is for $75 and your total only comes to $68.

Customer 1: Ask your manager. I am not leaving without my gas points.

* At this point, my bagger leaves to ask the manager and another customer joins the line behind customer 1 *

Bagger: I’m sorry ma’am, but he said that the coupon is only for transactions that are $75 or more.

Customer 1: Then what do you suggest I do?

Me: Well ma’am, you could either get a few more items or you could leave without the extra gas points.

Customer 1: Just put in the coupon.

Me: I’m sorry ma’am, but I will not lose my job over someone whose name I don’t even know.

Customer 1: Then what do you suggest I do? I can’t leave and get something else, there is a line! This is the last day for this offer!

*the line is still just the one customer*

Me: You can either get another item, or leave without the coupon.

Customer 1: Fine.

*She runs off to get another item*

Customer 2: She seems like a bitch.

* Customer 1 comes back in a huff, throwing her item on to the conveyor.

Me: Your total comes to $75.04. Have a nice day!

* She sneered and went away, hopefully happy with her 30 cents off a gallon *

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