That’s What You Get For Buying Socks At Christmas

, , , | Right | December 23, 2017

(It’s two days before Christmas and it’s very busy. I work at an outdoors store and I’m checking out a very long line of people. Out of nowhere a woman storms past people in line and comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me! I need to be helped!”

Me: “Okay, if you’ll wait for me to check these people out I’ll be happy to help you.”

Customer: “No, I need help now!”

(A coworker of mine comes to take the registers so I can help the woman.)

Me: “Okay, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I’m looking for women’s socks but you only have men’s!”

Me: “Okay, the women’s socks are right here on this stand.”

Woman: “I said WOMEN’S. Are you deaf? These are men’s!”

Me: “No, ma’am, these are the women’s socks.”

Customer: “God, are you even listening? WOMEN’S! See? The tag says ‘M’ as in ‘men.’ I need WOMEN’S!”

Me: “That means medium.”

(She left pretty quickly after that!)

Your Reaction Has You In Stitches

, , , | Healthy | December 22, 2017

(Due to living through some really messed up stuff, I have an incredibly high pain tolerance, and avoid asking for help if it’s something I can do myself. Combine that with the fact that I am a massive klutz, and you get someone that consistently injures themselves (frequently at work), fixes it as best they can, and just shrugs it off as nothing. I have once again managed to hurt myself, resulting in about a two-inch long gash on my forearm. It’s not too deep, but it needs stitches. I can and have stitched myself up from similar injuries in the past, using sewing needles and fishing line. I am in the middle of doing this, when a coworker I will refer to as “Work Mom” walks into my office.)

Work Mom: “Hey, [My Name], my computer is having iss— WHAT THE H*** ARE YOU DOING?!”

(I do not stop stitching as I speak with her.)

Me: “Oh, I just got a little cut, and am sewing myself back up. I’ll be right as rain in a minute. So what’s going on with your computer?”

Work Mom: “No. No, no, no. How are you not screaming? You are coming with me to the walk-in right now!”

Me: *stops stitching* “I really don’t think that’s necessary. I’ve done this before, and I’ll be fine.”

Work Mom: “I’m calling medical, then you are going to the doctor. You do not have a choice in this, you crazy b****!”

(I give up, as arguing at this point is futile. I walk down the hall to medical, and sit in a chair after speaking to the onsite medical person. As Work Mom’s back is turned, I finish stitching up the cut, and cut the needle free. Work Mom gets permission to take me knowing I won’t go by myself, and we go to the walk-in clinic. We wait for a bit, and get called into a room. The doctor walks in about 10 minutes later.)

Doctor: “So, what’re you here for today?”

Me: “I think it’s a bit of an overrea—”

Work Mom: “This crazy person got a cut, and decided that it would be easiest to stitch it up herself!”

Doctor: “…what? You’re kidding me.”

Me: “No. I’ve done this before, and had no trouble.” *I hold out my arm for the doctor to inspect*

Doctor: “Jesus, woman! Didn’t that hurt?”

Me: “Eh.”

Doctor: “I’ll have to remove this… What did you use?”

Me: “Fishing line.”

Doctor: *mutters something under his breath* “I’ll get the proper tools for this.”

Me: *knowing I will never get another chance to ask this* “So, how’s my stitching?”

Doctor: “What? Did you just really ask me that?”

Me: “Yeah, come on. I’m curious.” *I have a massive s***-eating grin on my face at this point*

Doctor: *mumbles something*

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t catch that?”

Doctor: *exasperated* “You’re stitching is fine, but seriously, don’t do this again!”

Your Chances Of Being A Good Customer Increased Ten-Fold

, , , | Right | December 21, 2017

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Fast Food Place]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Can I please have the ten-piece chicken nuggets?”

Me: “All right, anything else?”

Customer: “Wait, how many— Oh, s***.”

Me: “Miss, are you all right?”

Customer: “I’m fine! I just realized I was about to ask how many nuggets were in the ten-piece!”

A Niece Realization

, , , | Learning | December 18, 2017

(At the start of the day, each class has what we call “circle;” the students sit in a circle on the floor and we go around one by one and the students explain how they’re feeling that day and why. It’s part of socio-emotional learning for kids to work on identifying their emotions and communicating their feelings. This is a fifth grade class and I’ve given the students fake names for ease of understanding.)

Me: “All right. [Student #1], on a scale of zero to five, how are you today?”

Student #1: “I’m a ten!”

Me: Oh, wow! What’s so excellent in your world today?

Student #1: “I’m really happy. I have a new niece! My sister just had a baby.”

Me: “Awesome! What’s her name?”

Student #1: “Her name is Athena.”

Me: “What a beautiful name!” *I tell him a little about the Greek goddess Athena* “Thank you so much for sharing, [Student #1]. [Student #2], how are you today, zero to five?”

Student #2: “Can I also be a ten?”

Me: “If that’s how awesome you are, sure! Why are you a ten?”

Student #2: “My cousin just had a baby.”

(It isn’t at all uncommon for one student to say something nice that happened and another student to say the same thing happened — whether or not it did — just to connect or get equal attention. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt though.)

Me: “Wonderful! Lots of Christmas babies! Is it a boy or girl?”

Student #2: “Girl.”

Me: “Another girl! Do you know her name, yet?”

Student #2: “No. They haven’t told us. But we see her tonight when she goes home.”

Student #1: “My niece comes home today, too!”

Student #2: “Is that why I saw you at the hospital the other day?”

Student #1: “Yeah, we had just seen my niece!”

Student #2: “We were going to meet my cousin!”

Me: *I wonder why [Student #2] didn’t find out the baby’s name then, but I have a more pressing question* “[Student #2]… is it at all possible that your cousin is [Student #1]’s sister?”

Student #2: “No. [Student #1] is my cousin, though.”

Me: “If [Student #1]’s your cousin, isn’t [Student #1]’s sister also your cousin?”

Student #2: “Maybe?”

Student #1: “Yeah, she is!”

Me: “[Student #2]… I think you and [Student #1] are talking about the same baby.”

Student #2: *his eyes light up as he realizes this* “YEAH! Hey!” *turns to [Student #1]* “Your sister’s baby is my new baby cousin!”

They’re Just Explaining Biology

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

(My mom is helping me study for an AP biology test. We’re doing some Punnett square examples in the textbook.)

Me: “So, does it matter if the mother or father goes on top?”

Mom: “For sex? It depends. With me and your father, he goes on top because I weigh more. But with your aunt and uncle, I think she probably goes on top, because he weighs more.”

Me: *almost too horrified to speak* “I meant on the square. I think I’ll go study alone.”

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