Stringing You Along

| Friendly | June 20, 2014

(I play violin and viola in one of the youth orchestras for all four years of high school. My junior year, we are playing in the contemporary music festival. It was being held in our rehearsal space and at this point, musicians and everyone who hadn’t gotten seats yet are hanging out outside the hall, waiting for the last group to finish their performance. Because I’m bored, I look around for someone to talk to. Nearby is a nice-looking man who appears to be on his own.)

Me: “Hi. Do you know anyone performing?”

Man: “I do. My goddaughter is a violinist in [my orchestra].”

Me: “That’s great. What’s her name?”

Man: “[Name].”

Me: “I know her well. I was principal second violinist in her last orchestra and we were stand partners. She’s great!”

(At this point, he relaxes a little.)

Man: “I hope this doesn’t start much later. I have to catch a plane to New York.”

Me: “Are you going there for vacation?”

Man: “I’m playing a concert there tomorrow.”

Me: “How nice.”

(About ten minutes later, they let us in and my current stand partner leans over.)

Stand Partner: “What were you talking to [Internationally Acclaimed Soloist] about?!”

Me: “What?!”

Stand Partner: “You didn’t know?”

Me: “He said he’s [Name]’s] godfather!”

Stand Partner: “Yeah, you never heard that? Her parents have known him for years.”

Me: “I thought he was just a nice guy… ”

Stand Partner: “Have you never seen a picture?”

Me: “Worse. I have four of his CDs at home!”

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Moshing Is The Pits

| Friendly | June 3, 2014

(My friends and I are standing around the mosh pit at a local show. It’s a pretty intense pit, with lots of flailing limbs and shoving.)

Me: “Let’s mosh.”

Friend #1: “No. If I go in there I’m sure something awful will happen to me.”

(At this point a very large bearded fellow stumbles out of the mosh pit, staggers up to my friend, kisses him full on the face, and wanders away.)

Friend #2: “… Did that just really happen?”

Friend #1: “Ew! He used his tongue and he had bad breath and now I have road rash!”

Me: “See? Not moshing does not prevent unpleasant things from happening!”

(Friend #1 moshed after that.)

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Eww’s The Force

| Related | May 20, 2013

(As a surprise for me, my Dad got me tickets to Star Wars in Concert, where a live orchestra plays music from the movies, narrated live by the guy who played C-3PO. I’m in the second row, and in utter heaven. My mother, the person who made me watch all three movies in one day when I was 13, and is a professional musician, is sitting next to me. During one section, they play the ‘Luke and Leia’ theme from ‘Return of the Jedi’. She turns to me in horror.)

Mom: “When did we find out that they’re siblings?!”

Me: “1983, mom.”

Mom: “I swear that wasn’t in the movies before. Was that in the Special Editions?!”

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Harping On

| Right | February 18, 2013

(I’m working at a high school orchestra concert when the fire alarms go off. As we evacuate the building, I come across a gentleman in the hall trying to get the harp onto a harp-tow.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you need to leave the hall. We’re evacuating the building.”

Gentleman: “I need to get my daughter’s harp out first.”

Me: “Sir, you need to evacuate.”

Gentleman: “I don’t expect you to understand, but this harp is important and expensive, so why don’t you worry about your pretty little self, while I worry about more important things?”

Me: “Sir, you have a choice: you can either leave on your own, or you can leave in handcuffs. I will have you arrested.”

Gentleman: “I said I’m not leaving with out the harp; get it through your stupid head!”

(A police officer has entered the hall to let me know that the fire department is on their way and that the building is clear except me and this gentleman.)

Police officer: “Problem, [my name]?”

Gentleman: “Yeah, I’m trying to get this harp out of here, and she’s in my way!”

Police Officer: “Aw, that’s too bad. Guess you have to leave with out it. You can leave with me, if you’d like. I’ve got some nice handcuffs.”

(His eyes widen and he bolts from the hall.)

Police Officer: “Well, that’s a shame. Anyways, no fire. Fire department will reset the alarm as soon as they get here.”

(The gentleman’s wife ends up coming in for the harp about 25 minutes later. Surprisingly, she sides with us.)

Gentleman’s Wife: “My husband was an idiot. Thanks to you and your coworkers for a job well done… you should have had him arrested anyway!”

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Where The Car Parks You

| Right | November 29, 2011

(I work within a very large concert hall selling programmes for the concerts. A large man walks up to me.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you today?”

Man: *strong Russian accent* “Excuse me, but where is the Russian carpark?”

Me: “Pardon, sir, could you repeat that?”

Man: “Where is the Russian carpark?”

Me: “The Russian car park?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “There isn’t one. There’s just a regular car park.”

Man: “Oh.” *walks off*

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