The Warranty Comes Warranted

| Leicester, England, UK | Right | November 21, 2013

(A young customer comes wandering in during lunchtime, fiddling with the laptops on display.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, please. I’d like to buy a laptop.”

Me: “Certainly. What would you be using it for?”

Customer: “Facebook, Skype, iTunes, and Civilisation IV. And typing, I guess.”

(I show her a sturdy Dell.)

Customer: “Excellent, I’ll take it. Does it come with a warranty?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, Dell offers a standard one-year warranty.”

Customer: “Uhm, would it be possible to get a… longer warranty?”

Me: “We offer an additional three year full warranty for [amount] more.”

Customer: “Does it cover… like… EVERYTHING? Like, maybe, falling down stairs, getting rolled over by suitcases, accidental cups of coffee?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yes, Ma’am. Everything.”

Customer: *sighs, resigned* “I’ll have the full warranty. Something tells me I’ll need it!”

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Laptop Flop, Part 4

| Antananarivo, Madagascar | Working | September 24, 2013

(In my country, high import taxes mean that all computer stuff costs much more than abroad. I’ve wanted a laptop for a long while, but those were always slightly out of my financial reach. Then, a particular store decides to sell laptops that are exactly the right balance between low price and acceptable performance. Their ad mentions ‘available in-store right now.’ I decide to pick up one. I show up at the store on July 15th.)

Me: “Excuse me, I’m here to get a [laptop model mentioned in their ad].”

Employee #1: “Oh, we don’t carry those. I don’t think we ever did.”

Me: “Uh… your ad in today’s newspaper says you do. Actually, it says you started selling those last week.”

Employee #1: “Uh? I wasn’t aware of that. Let me check…”

(He leaves for one minute, and directs me to his colleague.)

Employee #2: “I’m sorry, sir. We have a small problem with dim-witted employees. We do indeed carry this model, but it’s not available in-store. You have to pay a ten per cent deposit, and then come to pick it up here at the store on July 31st.”

Me: “That’s not what your ad says.”

Employee #2: “We also have a problem with over-enthusiastic advertisers, sir.”

Me: “And you don’t do home delivery.”

Employee #2: “No, sir. Only in-store pickups.”

(I’m a bit put-off by having to wait over two weeks for my laptop, but I still decide to go along and pay the required deposit. After all, the store is widely-known and I haven’t heard anything bad about them. On July 29th, I get a call.)

Employee #3: “I’m sorry, but we have a small problem. Apparently, your laptop wasn’t included in the wares we received today. I’m afraid you can’t get it until August 8th after all.”

Me: “Um… okay, then.”

(I’m annoyed, but don’t say anything. On August 8th, I show up at the store as expected.)”

Me: “Hi. I’m here to pick up my [laptop model].”

Employee #4: “Uh? Why are you showing up now? This model isn’t supposed to be available until next week.”

Me: “One of you told me to come today. And, if you’ll check my order, you’ll notice that you’re already over a week late for delivery.”

Employee #4: *checks the order* “Oh… right. Well, they were mistaken. We don’t actually expect to receive that model until August 16th. You’ll have to come back then. Sorry for the delay.”

(I’m starting to lose patience, but I don’t want to be ‘that customer,’ so I stay polite and agree to come back the following week. I go back on August 16th.)

Me: “Hi. Is my [laptop model] available yet?”

Employee #5: “That model isn’t supposed to be available until the end of this month, sir.”

Me: “You’re joking, right?”

Employee #5: “Afraid not, sir. What’s the pickup date listed on your order?”

Me: “July 31st. Then August 8th. Then August 16th. You guys keep delaying it! You can’t have me wait for another two weeks and pretend that everything’s normal!”

Employee #5: “Oh. If you cannot wait, sir, we’ve had [different laptop model] available in-store for weeks now. It’s more expensive than the model you ordered, though.”

Me: “Which is why I didn’t get it to begin with. Well, forget it. If you’re not going to give me a laptop today, for the price I was ready to pay, just give me back the money I already gave you and cancel my order.”

(To their credit, they only negotiate for another 10 minutes before refunding me in full. I go out and find another store that allows me to get a better laptop, for an actually lower price, even if it takes another four days to get it. I promise to never shop at the first store again if I can avoid it. Fast forward to September 2nd, when my phone rings while I’m at work.)

Employee #2: “Hello, Mr. [Name]? The [laptop model] is available in store now. You can come to our store anytime to pick up yours!”

Me: “Now you’re just f****** with me.”


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Questioning The Location Of The Question

| ON, Canada | Right | July 5, 2013

Me: “Good afternoon, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I got a question!”

Me: “Okay, how can I help?”

Caller: “Back in the sixties, me and Burt would drive to ‘Trannah’ to get a corned beef sandwich. The guy would say ‘Pickle on the side?’ and we say ‘Yeah, pickle on the side!’. Now you wanna buy ten, y’uunastan’ but you could only afford one! We ain’t got no money, y’know? These days, y’wanna buy one, ’cause you can’t buy ten. It’ll make ya sick! You’ll throw up!”

Me: “Yeah, that’ll happen. I hate to cut this story short, but what was your question?”

Caller: *click*

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An Issue With The Male-To-Female Connection

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Working | January 15, 2013

Me: “Hi, I just bought a new desktop from you guys and I think it has a faulty connection.”

Employee: *condescendingly* “Uh huh, I see. And what exactly is your trouble, miss?”

Me: “When I put a disc into the optical drive, it didn’t respond. I checked and the OS is denying the computer even has an optical drive, but the light on the front is on. So, I figure the connection to the motherboard must be loose. Can I get you guys to patch that up for me?”

Employee: “Sure, we’ll get rid of that virus for you in no time.”

Me: “Um… did you hear me? I said it’s a hardware problem. I’d fix it myself if it wouldn’t void the warranty to open the case.”

Employee: “No, no, sweetheart. It’s almost definitely a virus. It’s really rare for it to be anything else. We’ll have to run what’s called a scan, so you’d need to join the queue. It’ll be a couple of days for that.”

Me: “You don’t need to scan it! You just need to open the case and reconnect the bloody wires!”

(We go back and forth, but I eventually surrender the machine, insisting before I leave that “check the hardware first” be written on the work order. Three days later, I finally get the call to come in and pick it up. This time the clerk is a different one and the work order is nowhere in sight.)

Me: “So what was the issue?”

Other Employee: “Well, Fred scanned it about five times but it kept coming up clean, so when he left yesterday I popped it open myself to check the hardware. Funny thing: the drive wasn’t even connected to the motherboard!”

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There’s No Reason We Can’t Be Civil

| Detroit, MI, USA | Right | November 28, 2012

(I am a Civil War re-enactor. I am returning home from an event, still in my full Union uniform, and I make a quick stop at a major computer store. On this day people are being distracted by an angry customer who is throwing a loud fit. He is complaining that the store doesn’t carry a transmitter for his 40-year-old receiver.)

Customer: “I’ve been shuffled from one store after another to find this part! I can’t believe you don’t carry it! You’re all just a bunch of f***ing nerds caught up in your modern computers! You’re just trying to talk me into buying a computer, but I’m not having anything to do with that!”

Employee: “Sir, I promise you that I’m not trying to get you to buy a computer. But if you’re looking for an outdated part, we can try and find it for you online.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***. You’ll look stuff up online, steal my credit card information and make me buy a computer! I’m on to you a**holes and the way you use your nerd skills to rip people off and spy on them! I’m not having anything to do with your modern bulls*** technology!”

(I finally step up next to the customer and loudly speak to the employee.)

Me: *to the employee* “I’m sorry, does this mean you can’t help me fix my telegraph?”

(The angry customer turns and gives me a sharp look. His face flushes between surprise and confusion as he sees me in my Civil War uniform, but as he opens his mouth to continue, most everyone surrounding us starts laughing. He turns red and storms out of the store.)

Employee: *to me* “God bless the Army of the Potomac!”

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