An Issue With The Male-To-Female Connection

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Working | January 15, 2013

Me: “Hi, I just bought a new desktop from you guys and I think it has a faulty connection.”

Employee: *condescendingly* “Uh huh, I see. And what exactly is your trouble, miss?”

Me: “When I put a disc into the optical drive, it didn’t respond. I checked and the OS is denying the computer even has an optical drive, but the light on the front is on. So, I figure the connection to the motherboard must be loose. Can I get you guys to patch that up for me?”

Employee: “Sure, we’ll get rid of that virus for you in no time.”

Me: “Um… did you hear me? I said it’s a hardware problem. I’d fix it myself if it wouldn’t void the warranty to open the case.”

Employee: “No, no, sweetheart. It’s almost definitely a virus. It’s really rare for it to be anything else. We’ll have to run what’s called a scan, so you’d need to join the queue. It’ll be a couple of days for that.”

Me: “You don’t need to scan it! You just need to open the case and reconnect the bloody wires!”

(We go back and forth, but I eventually surrender the machine, insisting before I leave that “check the hardware first” be written on the work order. Three days later, I finally get the call to come in and pick it up. This time the clerk is a different one and the work order is nowhere in sight.)

Me: “So what was the issue?”

Other Employee: “Well, Fred scanned it about five times but it kept coming up clean, so when he left yesterday I popped it open myself to check the hardware. Funny thing: the drive wasn’t even connected to the motherboard!”

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There’s No Reason We Can’t Be Civil

| Detroit, MI, USA | Right | November 28, 2012

(I am a Civil War re-enactor. I am returning home from an event, still in my full Union uniform, and I make a quick stop at a major computer store. On this day people are being distracted by an angry customer who is throwing a loud fit. He is complaining that the store doesn’t carry a transmitter for his 40-year-old receiver.)

Customer: “I’ve been shuffled from one store after another to find this part! I can’t believe you don’t carry it! You’re all just a bunch of f***ing nerds caught up in your modern computers! You’re just trying to talk me into buying a computer, but I’m not having anything to do with that!”

Employee: “Sir, I promise you that I’m not trying to get you to buy a computer. But if you’re looking for an outdated part, we can try and find it for you online.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***. You’ll look stuff up online, steal my credit card information and make me buy a computer! I’m on to you a**holes and the way you use your nerd skills to rip people off and spy on them! I’m not having anything to do with your modern bulls*** technology!”

(I finally step up next to the customer and loudly speak to the employee.)

Me: *to the employee* “I’m sorry, does this mean you can’t help me fix my telegraph?”

(The angry customer turns and gives me a sharp look. His face flushes between surprise and confusion as he sees me in my Civil War uniform, but as he opens his mouth to continue, most everyone surrounding us starts laughing. He turns red and storms out of the store.)

Employee: *to me* “God bless the Army of the Potomac!”

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No Recognition Or Cognition

| Canada | Right | May 9, 2012

(A customer comes in asking for dictation software. I showed him a very popular dictation package.)

Customer: “Does that use voice recognition?”

Me: “Yes, it does.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t want that! Voice recognition doesn’t work. Do you have any dictation software that doesn’t use voice recognition?”

Me: “No, we do not.”

Customer: *looks annoyed and leaves*

Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 6

, | Romania | Right | June 5, 2011

(A customer comes in asking about a monitor. She needs convincing that it is brand new, and that we do not sell second hand.)

Customer: “Where do I adjust the brightness and contrast ?”

Me: “From the menu, like in a TV.”

(I bring up the menu on the screen to show her.)

Customer: “So, is that included in the price?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “The menu.”

Me: “Yes. The menu comes with the price.”

Related:
Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 5
Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 4
Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 3

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(Stereo)Typing With A Laptop

| West Palm Beach, FL, USA | Right | March 25, 2011

Customer: “I need to know how to lock my laptop. I picked it up the other day, and there were all these porn sites in the history! My son is seventeen. I told him to stop using it, but you know how they are at that age!”

(I chuckle in agreement.)

Customer: “Wait, how old are you?”

Me: “Well, I’m just a couple years older myself.”

Customer: “Well, you know what I mean!”

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