We Know Her Type

| Finland | Right | January 11, 2014

(A customer had spilled beer on her old laptop and wants a cost-effective way of making it usable again. The spare keyboard is too expensive. We end up disconnecting the internal keyboard because its stuck keys prevent the machine from booting. She was fine with the idea of using an external keyboard from now on. The customer returned the next day, slamming the laptop on the counter.)

Customer: “The keyboard doesn’t work! I was here just yesterday and you said you fixed it!”

Me: “Yes. We ‘fixed’ it by disconnecting the keyboard, because you didn’t want to order a new one.”

Customer: “But it doesn’t work!”

Me: “It does not work because you agreed to disconnecting it. You specifically asked if anything could be done instead of ordering a new spare keyboard, which is more expensive than the machine’s current worth.”

Customer: “You didn’t repair it!”

Me: “You didn’t want the new keyboard. The old one was beyond repair. There’s nothing else I could do about it.”

Customer: “But I paid money for it!”

Me: “You paid us for opening the laptop and disconnecting the cable. Many budget laptops, such as this one, are really time-consuming to disassemble because they use plastic clips instead of screws. We charged you for 30 minutes of service time.”

Customer: “But the keys no longer do anything!”

Me: “…”

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Laptop Flop, Part 5

| Finland | Right | November 22, 2013

(A customer walks in with a cheap supermarket-branded laptop. She insists it’s only a tiny problem, but it turns out to be a malware-ridden horror show with no anti-virus software installed at all. I spend over 30 minutes cleaning it up with the customer standing behind my back. I recommend installing an anti-virus package, which the customer refuses. She then picks up her machine, and tries to walk out.)

Me: “Excuse me, aren’t you forgetting something?”

Customer: “…Huh?”

Me: “The service fee is 45 euros.”

Customer: “Oh, come on! The computer was already expensive, and now this?!”

Me: “I guess we couldn’t go on for long if we worked for free.”

Customer: “But this is what you nerds do on your free time anyway!”

Laptop Flop, Part 4
Laptop Flop, Part 3
Laptop Flop, Part 2
Laptop Flop

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The Warranty Comes Warranted

| Leicester, England, UK | Right | November 21, 2013

(A young customer comes wandering in during lunchtime, fiddling with the laptops on display.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, please. I’d like to buy a laptop.”

Me: “Certainly. What would you be using it for?”

Customer: “Facebook, Skype, iTunes, and Civilisation IV. And typing, I guess.”

(I show her a sturdy Dell.)

Customer: “Excellent, I’ll take it. Does it come with a warranty?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, Dell offers a standard one-year warranty.”

Customer: “Uhm, would it be possible to get a… longer warranty?”

Me: “We offer an additional three year full warranty for [amount] more.”

Customer: “Does it cover… like… EVERYTHING? Like, maybe, falling down stairs, getting rolled over by suitcases, accidental cups of coffee?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yes, Ma’am. Everything.”

Customer: *sighs, resigned* “I’ll have the full warranty. Something tells me I’ll need it!”

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Laptop Flop, Part 4

| Antananarivo, Madagascar | Working | September 24, 2013

(In my country, high import taxes mean that all computer stuff costs much more than abroad. I’ve wanted a laptop for a long while, but those were always slightly out of my financial reach. Then, a particular store decides to sell laptops that are exactly the right balance between low price and acceptable performance. Their ad mentions ‘available in-store right now.’ I decide to pick up one. I show up at the store on July 15th.)

Me: “Excuse me, I’m here to get a [laptop model mentioned in their ad].”

Employee #1: “Oh, we don’t carry those. I don’t think we ever did.”

Me: “Uh… your ad in today’s newspaper says you do. Actually, it says you started selling those last week.”

Employee #1: “Uh? I wasn’t aware of that. Let me check…”

(He leaves for one minute, and directs me to his colleague.)

Employee #2: “I’m sorry, sir. We have a small problem with dim-witted employees. We do indeed carry this model, but it’s not available in-store. You have to pay a ten per cent deposit, and then come to pick it up here at the store on July 31st.”

Me: “That’s not what your ad says.”

Employee #2: “We also have a problem with over-enthusiastic advertisers, sir.”

Me: “And you don’t do home delivery.”

Employee #2: “No, sir. Only in-store pickups.”

(I’m a bit put-off by having to wait over two weeks for my laptop, but I still decide to go along and pay the required deposit. After all, the store is widely-known and I haven’t heard anything bad about them. On July 29th, I get a call.)

Employee #3: “I’m sorry, but we have a small problem. Apparently, your laptop wasn’t included in the wares we received today. I’m afraid you can’t get it until August 8th after all.”

Me: “Um… okay, then.”

(I’m annoyed, but don’t say anything. On August 8th, I show up at the store as expected.)”

Me: “Hi. I’m here to pick up my [laptop model].”

Employee #4: “Uh? Why are you showing up now? This model isn’t supposed to be available until next week.”

Me: “One of you told me to come today. And, if you’ll check my order, you’ll notice that you’re already over a week late for delivery.”

Employee #4: *checks the order* “Oh… right. Well, they were mistaken. We don’t actually expect to receive that model until August 16th. You’ll have to come back then. Sorry for the delay.”

(I’m starting to lose patience, but I don’t want to be ‘that customer,’ so I stay polite and agree to come back the following week. I go back on August 16th.)

Me: “Hi. Is my [laptop model] available yet?”

Employee #5: “That model isn’t supposed to be available until the end of this month, sir.”

Me: “You’re joking, right?”

Employee #5: “Afraid not, sir. What’s the pickup date listed on your order?”

Me: “July 31st. Then August 8th. Then August 16th. You guys keep delaying it! You can’t have me wait for another two weeks and pretend that everything’s normal!”

Employee #5: “Oh. If you cannot wait, sir, we’ve had [different laptop model] available in-store for weeks now. It’s more expensive than the model you ordered, though.”

Me: “Which is why I didn’t get it to begin with. Well, forget it. If you’re not going to give me a laptop today, for the price I was ready to pay, just give me back the money I already gave you and cancel my order.”

(To their credit, they only negotiate for another 10 minutes before refunding me in full. I go out and find another store that allows me to get a better laptop, for an actually lower price, even if it takes another four days to get it. I promise to never shop at the first store again if I can avoid it. Fast forward to September 2nd, when my phone rings while I’m at work.)

Employee #2: “Hello, Mr. [Name]? The [laptop model] is available in store now. You can come to our store anytime to pick up yours!”

Me: “Now you’re just f****** with me.”

Laptop Flop, Part 3
Laptop Flop, Part 2
Laptop Flop

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Questioning The Location Of The Question

| ON, Canada | Right | July 5, 2013

Me: “Good afternoon, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I got a question!”

Me: “Okay, how can I help?”

Caller: “Back in the sixties, me and Burt would drive to ‘Trannah’ to get a corned beef sandwich. The guy would say ‘Pickle on the side?’ and we say ‘Yeah, pickle on the side!’. Now you wanna buy ten, y’uunastan’ but you could only afford one! We ain’t got no money, y’know? These days, y’wanna buy one, ’cause you can’t buy ten. It’ll make ya sick! You’ll throw up!”

Me: “Yeah, that’ll happen. I hate to cut this story short, but what was your question?”

Caller: *click*

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