I’m Just Not That Kind Of Program!

| ON, Canada | Right | September 2, 2015

(A customer has come in and noticed that we are now using Windows 10. He asks about Cortana, the voice activated assistant, so I give him a brief demo.)

Me: “So you can just say ‘Hey, Cortana,’ and then tell her what you want her to do. Give it a try!”

Customer: “Hey, ‘Cantina!’ Drop Your Dress!”

Me: “Maybe you should try it when you get home…”

Convicted Of Stupidity

| Finland | Right | February 9, 2015

(A customer walks in the store and proceeds to the counter.)

Customer: “I’m so glad they arrange you folk some proper jobs.”

(She then walks into the store, leaving me puzzled with her comment. She returns in a bit with a product.)

Me: “That’ll be €25.99. Cash or card?”

Customer: “Don’t take this wrong, but I don’t want to give my credit card to a convict.”

Me: “A convict? I assure you I’ve never had any problem with the law.”

Customer: “Why do you have bars in the windows, then?”

Me: “Our insurance company insists on having them so you can’t get in by just breaking a window.”

Customer: “Oh…”

(I’ve never seen anyone with such a bright red face before!)

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A Memorable Transaction

| England, UK | Working | December 12, 2014

(We’re looking for a new digital camera. I find one I like and go to reserve it.)

Salesperson: There is a deal today: when you buy this camera you can buy this 8 gigabyte memory card for only £14.99.

Me: “No, thanks.”

Salesperson: *a bit rudely* “You have to buy a memory card, or it won’t work.”

Me: “Really, that’s okay, thank you. I know what I’m doing.”

Salesperson: “How about you buy it and if you don’t like it you can return it?”

Girlfriend: “Maybe we should buy it then, if we need it anyway?”

Me: “Trust me; we don’t want that one.”

Salesperson: “Suit yourself, then!”

(The camera turns up just a few days later. When I go to collect it I see the same salesperson standing there. She motions her colleague, as if to ‘show off’ what she is going to do next.)

Salesperson: “I remember you.” *hands me the camera* “It’s still not going to work if you don’t put a memory card in it.” *I can hear her coworker laughing at this point*

Me: “Yeah. You see…” *I open the box* “I do know a little about cameras. and this…” *I pull a SDHC card out of my pocket* “…is not only double the size, not only two models faster, but it was also £5 cheaper than the one you tried to bully us into buying.”

(The salesperson stood there for a few moments, with an open mouth, then rushed our transaction through in complete silence. When I got it home the memory card worked brilliantly, and it turned out the camera had an internal memory that wasn’t listed, meaning that she was completely lying about it needing a card in the first place.)

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Wifitis

| Overland Park, KS, USA | Right | August 5, 2014

(I work at a busy computer and electronics store. A customer approaches me in the printer section.)

Customer: “I’d like to buy a wifi disabled printer.”

Me: “Ah, do you mean a wifi enabled printer?”

Customer: “No. I want to buy a printer but it can’t have wifi.”

(I acquiesce and spend some time showing her a few different lines, explaining what each can do. None of them are satisfactory, since any modern consumer-level printer with decent features has built in wifi. Sensing her frustration, I show her a newer model. She’s pretty much sold but I tell her wifi is built in but that she can disable it if she’s worried about security.)

Customer: “No no. It’s not about security. It doesn’t matter if it can be disabled. We can’t risk having wifi in the printer at all.”

Me: “Not to pry, but why is it so important that the printer doesn’t have built-in wifi?”

Customer: “My husband is very sensitive to wireless electronic signals. He gets extreme headaches when exposed to them even for a short period of time. That’s why he’s standing over there.” *points to a smiling man standing about twenty feet away*

Me: *sarcastically* “Oh, no!”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “You might want to inform your husband that he’s been standing under the store’s main wireless access point for the past 20 minutes, being blasted with wifi signals 50 times stronger than any of these printers.”

(She ran to her husband, said something, and pointed up to the access point on the ceiling. I tried not to have a smug look on my face as the man suddenly feigned illness and they left abruptly.)

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Laptop Flop, Part 5

| Yorkshire, England, UK | Working | January 21, 2014

(I order an apparently great half-price laptop from a nationwide PC company, after [Assistant #1] assures me they have lots in stock. She says she’ll ring me in two weeks when it arrives).

Me: “Hi. It’s [Name]. I ordered a [model] laptop a couple of weeks ago, but I haven’t gotten a call yet. Could you tell me if it’s arrived, please?”

Assistant #1: “Ah, no. It’s not in yet. According to the system, it’ll be four more days.”

(One week later, I ring again.)

Assistant #2: “There’s been some delays with the deliveries, so unfortunately it won’t be here for another month.”

(One month later, I’m feeling pretty fed up and I’m contemplating cancelling. I get a call from the shop.)

Assistant #1: “Hi. I’m ringing about your [model] laptop. It seems that we don’t actually have any available in stock anymore in any of our shops. We can give a full refund, though, and I’ll personally give you a 20% discount if you buy another laptop with us before the Windows 8 launch next week.”

(I go into the store, and look at a few laptops on display.)

Me: “Do you have this model available in store right now?”

Assistant #2: “No, but I can order it for you! It would only be a couple of weeks until delivery.”

Me: “No.” *I explain what happened last time* “I only want a laptop that’s already here.”

Assistant #2: “Hmm, well we only have this other one here that’s within your price range.”

Me: “I’ll take it.” *we go to the till* “Is [Assistant #1] here? She said she’d give me a discount for all the hassle last time.”

Assistant #2: “She’s on holiday for two weeks.”

Me: “Well, did she make a note of it on my cancelled order?”

Assistant #2: “Ah… no.”

Me: “Can I speak to your manager, please?”

Assistant #2: “Uh… [Assistant #1] is the manager.”

Me: *giving up* “Fine. I’ll just take the laptop and go.”

Assistant #2: “Would you also like one of our store credit cards?”

Me: “Are you kidding? No.”

(It came as no surprise to hear two weeks later that the company had hit financial trouble. One good thing came out of it though: the laptop I ended up with has proved to be a good one!)

Related:
Laptop Flop, Part 4
Laptop Flop, Part 3
Laptop Flop, Part 2
Laptop Flop

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