Not Exceptionally Bright

| SK, Canada | Working | September 3, 2016

(The battery for my laptop is about a month out of warranty, but it is getting REALLY hot. I call Laptop Manufacturer, say the magic word, ‘burning,’ and am promised that an exception will be allowed. All I have to do was give an exception number to any Laptop Manufacturer retailer to get a new one.)

Me: “Hi, I need a replacement battery for my [Laptop].”

Worker: *in a bored voice* “I need to see the computer to run diagnostics to make sure it’s actually an issue with the battery.”

Me: “Actually, I have an exception.”

Worker: *basically repeats what he just said*

(This goes back and forth for a while, with him insisting he needs to see the computer and not believing I have an exception.)

Me: “Look. You don’t need to see my computer. You do need to look up this number, which will prove what I’ve told you multiple times now.”

Worker: “Ugh, fine!” *enters number* “Oh.” *completely different, meek voice* “You… have an exception.”

Me: *head-desk*

Making A Lot Of Noise About You Leaving

| Olympia, WA, USA | Working | May 13, 2016

(I recently left a small computer shop I was working at to work for myself. On the last day of work, I gave my manager a gift, a small electronic noise maker that can be set to various volumes, timers, and sounds. About a month after my departure, my coworker sends me a message.)

Coworker: “You b****! [Manager] just came clean with that stupid noise maker!”

Me: “Whoops. I’m surprised it took this long. I thought you would have put it together that on my last day there you were hearing noises.”

Coworker: “I might have, except it kept going, and he moved it around and had it set to go off randomly, even when he wasn’t here!”

Me: “I am very sorry, and I will never do it again.”

Coworker: “He had so much fun with that.”

Me: “Are you at work today?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “Can you give [Manager] a high-five for me?”

Coworker: “…”

HDM-Lie

| England, UK | Working | April 27, 2016

(I managed to order the wrong length of HDMI cable online. With delivery dates long, and no TV, I visit the local large chain computer store.)

Me: “Excuse me, where are the HDMI cables?”

Worker #1: “Oh, I think they are over there somewhere.” *gestures vaguely*

Me: “Oh, okay, thanks.”

(I eventually find the display, completely in the wrong direction, and pick out some items.)

Worker #1: “Oh, good you found them.” *looking at the items I’ve picked* “Oh, you don’t want those ones.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Worker #1: “That cable is far too long. The picture will be very poor quality. Here, this is the one you want.”

(He picks up the most expensive cable a meter shorter than I needed.)

Me: “Oh, err, no thanks. I need one at least four meters long. These will do fine.”

Worker #1: “No, no, no, just move the TV closer. You really need a better quality cable.”

(Worker #1 pushes the cable into my hands and tries to snatch the cheaper ones from me.)

Me: *recoiling in surprise* “I can’t move the TV closer, and I assure you these will be fine.”

Worker #1: “Look, I know what I’m talking about. You need these ones. Long cables will lose the picture.” *a lie*

Me: *exhausted* “So these cheaper ones won’t work?”

Worker #1: “No. You need the better ones.”

Me: “So why do you sell them?”

Worker #1: “I er, well these are just far better. Listen I know what I’m talking about. Hey, [Worker #2], come here a second. Can you PLEASE explain why he wants these ones and not the cheap ones.”

Worker #2: “Well, these cables will give you a much better picture. The cheaper ones won’t give you 1080p.” *another lie*

Me: “I’ve had enough. These will be fine. This is the end of the discussion. I’m paying and leaving.”

(I eventually get past the two workers. They still call out to me as I get to the till.)

Cashier: “Oh, are you sure you want these? We have an offer on [Expensive Brand] cables this week.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Cashier: “Are you sure? These ones will break much faster than the better ones.” *lies again*

Me: “Ring me up.”

Cashier: “I was just trying to—”

Me: “Ring me up now; if I hear one more lie from you or your colleagues I will register a complaint.”

Cashier: “Fine.” *throws the cable at me*

(Safe to say, I never shopped there again.)

Problem Solving Revolving

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Right | January 29, 2016

(We have a tech-support line but no dedicated support people, so all us techs take turns answering it. It is my turn.)

Me: “[Store], support. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, can you help me with… never mind. I figured it out. Thanks, bye!”

Me: *turns to the next tech in rotation* “Next one’s yours!”

The Key(board) To Making Great Beer

| IA, USA | Right | October 20, 2015

(I work in a computer store that does a lot of repairs. A customer comes in with a laptop they are having problems with.)

Customer: “Uh, I was cleaning my keyboard with some Windex and now it’s not working right.”

(We are slow, so I take the computer in back and pop the bottom plate off and am assaulted with the smell of stale beer. It had obviously been spilled on the keyboard and flowed down into the computer.)

Me: *after returning to the customer* “Are you sure it was just Windex that got on the keys?”

Customer: “Yah.”

Me: “What about the beer smell?”

Customer: “Oh, well, I was using the Windex to clean off the beer!”

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