(I work in computer repair. It is 2011.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My iPhone doesn’t work, and those idiots in the phone department couldn’t help me.”

Me: “May I take a look?”

Customer: “Here it is. It won’t make phone calls.” *hands it to me*

Me: “Ma’am, this is an iPod Touch.”

Customer: “That’s exactly what that dumba** in the phone department told me. God, are all you people stupid?! iPods look like this!” *holds up an iPod Classic*

Me: “That’s an iPod Classic. These are the new touch screen ones. May I see the box it came in?”

Customer: “What? Here, fine.” *hands me the box*

Me: “Ma’am, can you read this to me please?”

(I flip the box to where the label clearly says iPod.)

Customer: “What, are you blind too?! It says iP-…oh. Oh! Well, don’t I feel like a b****.” *walks off*

Next Customer: “Whatever they’re paying you, it’s not enough.”

This story is part of our iPhone roundup!

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(The customer has a covered hardware issue. It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.)

Me: “I’m going to request that a replacement device be sent to you, free of charge. You should receive your replacement in two business days.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to wait two business days! You need to make it arrive Friday!”

Me: “I understand your frustration sir, but tomorrow is Wednesday and the second business day is Friday. Thursday is the holiday.”

Customer: “You make it get here Friday!”

Me: “Sir, Wednesday is one business day. Friday is two business days. You will have your replacement on Friday.”

Customer: “Put your supervisor on!”

Supervisor: *after greeting the customer and looking at the details for the replacement* “What can I do for you, sir?”

Customer: “That girl’s trying to teach me how to count!”

This story is part of our Thanksgiving roundup!

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Read the Thanksgiving roundup!

Customer: “Can you recommend a perfect anti-virus to use on my computer?”

Me: “At the rate viruses are coming out, sir, there isn’t really any that protect your computer perfectly.”

Customer: “So, they don’t really work?”

Me: “No, not really, sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, which one doesn’t work the least?”

Customer: “Hi, I think I have a problem with my computer. I tried fixing it myself, but now it’s just not booting at all. I’d like to have it backed up, too, while you’re at it because I run a business and I can’t afford to lose anything.”

(The next day, I call the customer.)

Me: “Hello, sir, was this the only copy you had for your business data?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, do you have any disgruntled employees that may have had access to your computer recently?”

Customer: “No, why?”

Me: “Well, sir, the hard drive has been hacked at with what looks like a flat-head screwdriver, severing a connection on the bottom.  It appears very deliberate, and we won’t be able to retrieve your data.”

Customer: “Do you mean the battery?”

Me: “No, sir, the hard drive.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought that little round thing on the bottom of the hard drive was a battery. I was just trying to replace it. Well, I’ll just come in and pick that up.”

Customer: “Very good, sir.”

(Four minutes later, he calls back.)

Customer: “Just a quick thing: if my wife comes in and asks about it, could you leave that part out?”

Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My mother’s computer won’t connect to the Internet.”

Me: “All right, let’s see if we can figure out the issue.”

(I spend five minutes troubleshooting the connection, and still can’t get it connected.)

Me: “I can’t find anything wrong with your computer. Is it a desktop or a laptop?”

Customer: “I don’t know. She’s in Florida, so I’ll have to call and ask her.”

Me: “Okay, do you happen to know her Internet service provider?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s you guys.”

Me: “Sir, we’re a repair center. Are you sure she has Internet?”

Customer: “Doesn’t it come free with the computer?”

Me: “No, they stopped doing that a while ago.”

Customer: “Figures. I’ll tell her!”