Obviously Speaks Duh-tch

, | Leuven, Belgium | Learning | June 16, 2013

(At the time of this story, translation sites like Bing and Google don’t exist yet. I work the graveyard shift as a supervisor at the public-access computer labs. One student has been working since I started my shift at midnight with several books lying on his desk while he types like there’s no tomorrow. It is now 7:00 AM when the student comes to my desk.)

Student: “Excuse me; the translator isn’t working.”

Me: “Huh?”

Student: “The translator on my computer. It doesn’t translate my text.”

(I assume that he has tried to install some third party translator which won’t work because the C drives of these PCs are write-protected.)

Me: “Can you please show me which translator you’re using?”

(I walk to his desk and see that he has a Word document of dozens of pages of Dutch text. The student selects the text, goes to the Language menu in Word and selects “English.”)

Student: “See? It stays Dutch.”

Me: “I’m sorry to say, but that’s not how the Language option in Word works. That only selects the dictionary for your spell checker.”

Student: “But I have to turn in this paper at 9:00 AM!”

You’re Really Pushing My Buttons Today

| Oregon, USA | Right | March 5, 2012

(I am an administrator at a computer lab.)

User: “Hey, can I use one of your computers?”

Me: “Sure, station #3 is free.”

User: “But the screen is dark.”

Me: “It’s just the screen saver. Press a button, and it’ll go away.”

(She presses the power button, effectively turning the computer off.)

User: “But it’s still dark!”

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T-Minus Five Seconds Until YouTube

, | | Right | June 24, 2008

(A student needed a stack of VHS tapes converted to DVD.  The first couple tapes were nothing special but the third  looked like the camera had been set up in a hotel room. The three of us working in the lab were wondering if it was even her tape until we saw the student sit down on the bed.  Then she laid back. Then someone else stepped into the frame and started taking off her shirt.  I ran to the phone to call the student while a crowd gathered in front of the computer.)

Me: “Hi, this is *** from the lab. ¬†We’re working on your tapes right now but we’re not quite sure about one of them.”

Her: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, one of them seems like it might have slipped into the stack accidentally.”

Her: “One of mine? Wha–OH MY GOD! ¬†The sex tape?!”

Me: “That’s what it looks like.”

Her: “Oh my god! Just box it up and hide it. ¬†I’ll be right down to pick it up!”

Me: “I’ll pull it right away.”

Her: “Please, don’t let anyone else watch it!”

*people cheer excitedly in the back of the lab*

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. I’ve already shut it off.”

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Zero Short Term Memory, Part 2

, | | Right | February 22, 2008

(There is an ID check to enter the lab and to print.)

Me: “Hi, can I see your ID please?”

Guy: “No, I don’t need ID to come in here.”

Me: “Yes, at this lab it is required.”

Guy: “But I don’t need an ID to come in!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I really need your ID or I can’t let you come into the lab.”

Guy: “Oh I need ID to come in? Why didn’t you just ask me for it?!”

Me: *headdesk*

Related:
Zero Short Term Memory
Short Term Memory Is For The Weak

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Honesty Is Always The Best Policy =P

, | | Right | November 15, 2007

Customer 1: “… ah, okay. Thanks for your help.”

Me: “That’s what I’m here for.”

Customer 2: “I need help…”

Me: “… and that is how it’s done.”

Customer 2: “That was simple. You made me feel dumb.”

Me: “That’s what I’m here… I mean…” (I didn’t know what to say from there)

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