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But Now You’re REALLY Good At Painting Flowers!

, , , , , | Learning | March 6, 2022

I signed up for a still life painting course. In discussion with the organiser, I explained that I was looking to gain some experience and learn to paint different things. They seemed to say all the right words and convinced me that this was for me.

In the first class, I noticed two things straight away. One was that I was the only man, and the second was that the room was full of paintings of flowers.

I didn’t really register anything into either, but I wasn’t surprised that the first thing we painted was a vase of flowers.

The next thing was a different bunch of flowers and then another bunch of flowers.

After a while, I started to want something new. I enjoyed it, but I wasn’t going to paint flowers at home. This wasn’t teaching me much.

After being presented with another bunch of flowers:

Me: “Sorry, but will we be painting anything else?”

Instructor: “You don’t like these flowers?”

Me: “They’re fine, but I was expecting something different at some point. I don’t know, fruit, people, or something.”

Instructor: “Don’t worry, your masculinity won’t be hurt by flowers.”

Me: “I didn’t say that. I don’t mind painting flowers, but that’s all we’ve done. I was hoping for variety.”

Instructor: “Well, I’m sorry but that’s all I prepared.”

I went with it for now, but when the next painting was of flowers again, I had to say something.

Me: “Sorry, but are we going to do anything different at all?”

Instructor: “The subjects will be chosen by me.”

Me: “Fine, just wanted to know. Excuse me; I have a phone call to make.”

I called the company and ask to cancel, explaining my reasons. They begged me to try one more class and said that they would talk to the instructor.

I went to the next class.

Instructor: “Thanks to somebody, we will have to not finish last week’s painting. Instead, we have a new model.”

She pulled off the cloth to reveal the still life: instead of a vase of flowers, it was… flowers on a plate. I got up and left, got some of my money back, and found a new instructor.

I wasn’t shocked to see some of the people from the last course in the new one.

The Mansplaining Paradox: When A Man Explains What Mansplaining Is

, , , | Right | October 12, 2021

An ex-girlfriend’s family works in party supplies and decoration. Occasionally, they get a massive order and I help out.

On one of these times, we just drop the first van load to the hall, I help get it all unpacked, and then, while they drive back to get the second load, I take the things inside.

I get done pretty quickly. As I am waiting, I notice some of the family putting up the decorations. One of the women is struggling pretty badly with some of the tissue flowers. Putting up the decorations is not part of our service, but I have some time.

Me: “Hi, I’m part of [Company]. I have a moment if you would like any help?”

Woman #1: *Nearly shouting* “I can do it myself!”

Me: “Okay, I was only asking.”

Woman #1: “Well, don’t! I don’t need some man, mansplaining things to me.”

I can tell she is frustrated, but she is practically spitting at me. I go to wait outside, when one of the other women waves at me.

Woman #2: “Hi, sorry, I would like some help if that’s okay?”

Me: “Sure, these can be tricky if you’ve never done them before. The trick is not to use tape; it just rips them. Look.”

Woman #2: “Oh, wow. That’s great! Thank you!”

I can hear the first woman still b****ing , first about me and then the flowers. She finally throws the flowers on the floor and storms out.

Woman #2: “Sorry about her. She is always like this.”

The van turned up and I had to help unload the rest. I learnt after the party that they had left an amazing review and had tipped pretty well!

The Ol’ Bait And Switch

, , , , | Working | April 12, 2021

It’s a Saturday afternoon and the late shift has started. I am working and a young female coworker calls a young male coworker.

Female Coworker: *A little seductively* “Hello, I was just wondering… Do you have any specific plans tonight?”

[Male Coworker] confirms that he does not have any plans; he’s just chilling.

Female Coworker: *Sternly* “Great, so you’d better come and work your hours today, as scheduled!”

Luckily, he lived nearby and was at work five minutes later.

“Senior Center” Is Definitely Code For “Cult”

, , , , | Working | March 1, 2021

I am the author of this story about my aunt demanding that my husband’s parents join the senior center. About three months later, my aunt comes up with this little gem.

Aunt: “Did you know that the director of our senior center is trying to get a law passed in Delaware that makes all seniors in the state have to join a senior center? That way, [Husband]’s parents have to join the senior center or they have to pay a fine! Our director always prays that every senior finds a senior center just like ours before we eat lunch.”

My aunt gets a look on her face like she is remembering something very pleasant.

Aunt: “Every senior finds a senior center just like ours: yes, she prays that. If the law goes through, her prayer is going to be answered!”

I am skeptical about this at first, so I decide to call the senior center myself and speak to the director.

Me: “Hello, I am [Aunt]’s niece. She says that you want to pass a law that forces all seniors to join a senior center. Is this true?”

Director: “Yes, it is! We are having funding issues at our senior center due to a lack of new people coming to the senior center. The state pays us based on the number of members that we have. We would receive more funding if all seniors were required to join the senior center. I am also trying to get the law passed so we can help seniors. Most of them can’t care for themselves and they need help that the senior center can provide.”

Me: “Don’t you think that it is unconstitutional to force everyone over the age of sixty-five to join a senior center? [Aunt] literally demanded that my husband’s parents join your senior center at my wedding! Do you realize that some seniors don’t want to go to a senior center?”

Director: “But your husband’s parents need the senior center! Most seniors are unable to do basics for themselves such as cooking, grocery shopping, and attending religious services. We provide a nutritious hot meal every day, we take them on bus trips to [Major Retailer,] and we have a preacher who comes to the center every day for services!”

Me: “My husband’s parents are Jewish and are members of a conservative Jewish temple in Wilmington. Why would they want to attend a Christian service every day? They also exclusively eat organic food so they wouldn’t want to eat at the senior center, and they refuse to shop at [Major Retailer] because they don’t like the quality of the food there.”

Director: “But the senior center is a great way to socialize!”

Me: “My husband’s parents both have social anxiety and they don’t want to be around people that they don’t know. They have a daily routine that is set in stone and they follow that routine to the letter every day. There isn’t room to spend time sitting around a senior center!”

Director: “But our senior center is losing funding because new people don’t want to join! If people keep leaving the senior center, we might have to close it! We need a law that forces all seniors to join a senior center to keep the senior centers open!”

Me: “Don’t you think that it is unethical to force people to join a social group if they don’t want to?”

Director: “But seniors need help! They don’t realize that they can’t care for themselves! We need them to join to keep them safe and healthy and to keep our senior center open!”

I hung up after that and I called the state division on aging to complain about the loony senior center director. The guy at the division on aging had heard about the director’s antics before and he said that they had been dealing with complaints about her for years in regards to her overzealous promotion of the senior center. When I talked to my aunt a few weeks later, she was VERY upset that her beloved director had been fired!

Is “Senior Center” Code For “Cult”?

The Art Of Being A Cool Kid

, , , , , | Friendly | December 11, 2020

As I am walking home from school, I pass these ladies outside our neighborhood’s town center with a Christmas tree, tables, and clipboards. These ladies look to be in their early forties to early sixties. Out of curiosity, I walk up to them.

Me: “Hello!”

Lady #1: “Hi there! Are you interested in helping a child in need this Christmas?”

Me: “Sure! What do I have to do?”

The three ladies look a little shocked at this.

Lady #2: “You pick a kid’s name off the tree, and then you just follow the instructions on the ornament!”

Lady #1: “Would you like to have your parents come back and write their names and phone number?”

Me: “No, it’s fine; I’ll put down my info.”

All the ladies are very shocked at this.

Lady #3: *Pause* “Sign here, please.”

I put down my information and pick a ten-year-old boy who wants an arts and crafts kit.

Me: “Wow! I got lucky! I got a kid who loves art, too!”

Lady #1: “You… you like art?”

Me: “Yeah! I take it at school! Bye!”

As I walk off, I can hear [Lady #1] talking.

Lady #1: “See, [Lady #2]? Not all teenage girls are self-centered b****es!”