Singing Her Own Praises

, , , , , | Working | August 5, 2020

The manager of our local community centre is moving on to pastures new after seven years of sterling service, so naturally, the centre has been advertising for a new manager. The criteria for the job are pretty standard: applicants must have experience of managing a community centre or similar, must have a proven track record of fundraising, etc.

There have been a few… shall we say, interesting… applications, but a recent one was an absolute stand-out. The applicant, for some unfathomable reason, believed she was applying for a job as an Avon representative; Avon sells cosmetics door-to-door in the UK. The icing on the cake came under her list of qualifications, where she listed “Mother of a Musician and Singer” as being a suitable qualification for the position.

Those of us on the selection panel are still frantically scratching our heads trying to figure out on what planet “Mother of a Musician and Singer” has any bearing on the suitability of a candidate applying for a top management position at a community centre.

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“WTF?” Is Right

, , , , | Related | June 6, 2020

My brother and I are both adults and get together on a regular basis. He’s allergic to coconut and I have cat-like mannerisms. We’re at a gathering with our dad when a light bulb goes off in my head.

Me: “[Brother], I have coconut oil in my hair. In case I forget, remind me not to headbutt you.”

Brother: “Okay.”

Dad’s face had “WTF?” written on it during this exchange.

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Unfiltered Story #194981

, , | Unfiltered | May 28, 2020

We have a cafe in our Leisure Centre. A customer comes up to the server.

Customer: What is the difference between the 4 oz burger and the 6 oz?

Server: It’s bigger.

Unfiltered Story #190304

, , | Unfiltered | March 20, 2020

We hold a ‘Parent and Toddler’ session in the pool on a Monday morning. I get this question on a Sunday afternoon.

Customer: ‘The Parent and Toddler session? How old does the child have to be to attend?’

Me: ‘How old is the child?’

Customer: ‘Ten’.

Me: ‘No’.

The customer just said okay and walked away. It wasn’t until he had gone and I turned to my colleague and he was sat also bemused that I realised that I was not going mad…

Unfiltered Story #186898

, | Unfiltered | February 16, 2020

I work in a Leisure Centre that includes varying activities. We are on the coast so don’t tend to get many visitors out of season. A man bounds in with his girlfriend. They look at the pool and see there is a class going on.

Man: Oh no! I wanted to swim!

Me: Sorry sir, there is a class on at the moment but there is lane swimming in 45 minutes.

Man: Can I swim anyway?

Me: No Sir, the class uses the whole of the pool.

Man: No way! He then speaks to his girlfriend: Hey babes, you still go to the gym, I’ll take a walk on the beach.

Girlfriend: Why do you want to do that?

Man: To free my mind! (Yes, he actually said that. I didn’t know whether to laugh or puke).

He then bounds over to me again and asks if he can play bowls. In the UK we have ten pin bowling and we have green bowling. The latter tends to be played by, um, older people. So I do tend to check with anybody under 30 that they are aware of this.

Me: It is green bowling, not ten-pin.

Man: (And I cannot stress enough how patronisingly he said this).. Yes! I know!

I gave up at this point. I wanted him, his confidence and his moronic girlfriend to leave. A colleague came down at that point and I mouthed I n e e d a c i g quite effectively and not patronisingly at all.